It’s been about 5 years since I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and nothing about my life has changed one bit since then. I’m at the point where I feel like I have nothing to live for. I hate myself, my body and my mind (the root of all my anxiety). I’ve alienated almost everyone in my life, including friends and family. Now I basically have no friends and I’m so distant from my family. I barely have anyone to talk to, or have anyone that talks to me. I’ve never felt this lonely in life. I basically don’t want to go out of my room, which has basically become a cave that I live in. When I do go out it’s to eat or go to work. Work is another problem. I barely do anything at my desk…just sit around and let the time fly by. I do what I’m asked for but that’s pretty much it. I don’t enjoy my job at all, and it’s pretty hard to leave since it’s a family business and I pretty much have the responsibility to help out. I’ve got some money saved up that I could use to start my own business but I’ve been searching for years for something to do but I can’t find anything. People ask me what my interests are and I don’t know what to answer. I think hard and I can’t come up with anything. I barely enjoy doing anything now. All I do is pretty much sleep or try to read something in my free time. I’ve basically lost interest in everything.
I’ve seen so many psychiatrists and psychologists. I’ve been hospitalized twice. Had inpatient and outpatient treatment. I’ve had so many different types of meds that I can’t even remember them all. As well as for depression, I’ve had meds for bi-polar disorder and anxiety. I’ve read tons of self-help books but I just can’t buy into what they say. It all seems fantasy to me. I recently had to go through cancer, and I thought it would be a life changing event, something that would make me appreciate life more, but nothing changed in me.
So I’m stuck and don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I’m just someone who’s dead inside and is just wondering around in this world until the time to go comes. I also feel that I’m rather apathetic because I don’t care much about what’s going on around me. I don’t feel like I care about anyone, not even myself.
I’ve got a terribly low self-esteem, tons of anxiety that torments me, barely any friends or any communication with my family. I don’t enjoy doing basically anything and I have no hobbies. I’ve got no relationship with God and I feel like I’m going to end up atheist soon. I have a tremendous fear of death which I guess has made me less religious. I’ve got a job that I don’t enjoy (it could be due the depression) and I don’t find anything else that would interest me. I barely go out and when I do go out with some people, I don’t enjoy it (because I’m mostly in a bad mood) and want to leave pretty much leave as soon as I get there. I would try meeting new people but I honestly don’t want to put the effort into it. I don’t feel like I could really care about people or have a meaningful conversation. I have no romantic life at all. I always wanted to get married and have kids, but I’m 100% sure that it would be irresponsible of me to try to have a family in the state that I’m in. I’d only make their lives difficult.
So today I’m pretty much just hopeless and empty inside. I find it hard to even move around. I’m only 25 and I’m starting to believe that my life will consist of just wandering around basically doing nothing and not caring about anything or anyone, like I’ve been doing the last couple of years. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but I’ve grown tired of looking for solutions. Nothing seems to work. So, I’m stumped. I don’t even know why I’ve written all this to share it here. What future can I possibly have?????
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