My sister has depression and she's missing. My mother left to go to meet her boyfriend in Chicago and she was gone for an entire month, she didn't leave us with anything to help pay the rent or the phone bill, cable bill etc. My sister kinda picked up the slack and then a week before our mother came home, my sister just said she was leaving and I haven't seen her since, it's been a year and now I'm sixteen and she's seventeen. I spoke to her once online and she was telling me about her new life and how she wasn't coming back home. The man she's living with and says she's in love with hits her and he's really really possessive. I know I can't make her come home but why won't she reason? She's told me countless times that she wants to be with him and that their relationship is complicated, she likes what he does to her and that's all she can explain. My question is what's wrong with her? Is it some type of medical condition? Can it be explained?
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Answers
This is such a sad and terrible story and I'm so sorry this has happened to you. My guess is that your sister felt there was no one to protect her -- and your description sounds as if that's right -- and she's clinging to this man because otherwise she feels adrift and helpless in the world. No seventeen-year-old should have to go it alone the way she has (and you have). In addition, your mother's abusiveness probably makes your sister confused about what real love looks like -- abuse seems familiar and normal to her, and she may not really believe that she can find help or a good relationship that isn't abusive. I am also worried about you. You need to have as much support as possible, not only for your own life, but so that you can support your sister as she tries to find her way in the world. I hope you can find a reliable adult -- a teacher? clergy? social worker? family friend? -- who can help and support you. Unfortunately, there are people who take advantage of those who are vulnerable, so beware of those who offer "help" while asking inappropriate things in return -- especially men. Because you were alone for so long while your mother was gone, I'm guessing you don't have many ready sources of support. But please don't give up -- don't be afraid of disclosing what's happened once you find someone you can trust. If you take good care of yourself, you'll be able to be there for your sister.
It is a sad story, yes. It could be possibly not so much a mental disorder in terms of depression, but in possible terms of looking for something that she hasn't found yet.
Perhaps she feels that the family dynamic is not right for her, and that is part of the reason she wanted to leave? Of course, it doesnt make it right, and no 16-17 year old should be out on their own.
However: do you feel that this "running away" from the family is a newfangled thing with her, or do you feel it has happened forever, just not as drastic?
I worry the most about the possessive boyfriend, then her running away from everyone.
You really need to see if there is someone you can talk to, as well as see if there is anyone she will feel comfortable talking to (perhaps even you) about what is going on.
Please take care of yourself as well.
Best,
Clyde
Koira, it sounds as though you and your sister are dealing with the same issues in different ways. Being abandoned, especially for someone else can create many reactions. Your sister might be being taken care of by someone who cares, or by someone who has preyed upon her need to feel secure. She might also feel the need to be abused or used, as she may have when she felt she had to stand in for your mom when she disappeared.
You haven't mentioned how your home is for you now. If you are where your mom is, that might be why your sister "can't" hear what you are saying, since she might reason that you are not being sensible to stick it out. At both of your ages you still need common sense guidance and I sense that neither of you are receiving it. :( I'm sorry that your life is a bit upside-down for now.
The main thing is to take care of yourself, and continue to learn and grow. Perhaps in the future when you are out on your own and successful, you will be able to reach your sister and give her the family attention she also needs?
TC
drjean
When we were younger my sister was always so spaced out. My mother would get mad at her for not being able to do things and often when my sis couldn't do something our mother would use me as an example of how she should do things. I remember when I . . . six I think or seven, she walked up to this man in the street and grabbed him around the waist and asked him if he loved her. We were in the food court at the mall and she just walked up to this random white guy and asked him if he loved her. I was so shocked and scared that I practically dragged her away by the hand. And, weirdly enough ever since then she's had this . . .fascination if it can be called that, with white males. It's ok with me but my mother is kinda racist so she would put her down a lot when she saw my sis looking at them.
Another reason my sister left was because of my mom's boyfriend, She lothes this man with a passion and basically my mother would try and force her to respect and obey him. Once my sis got so mad about it that she took a butcher knife to a box of cereal. I still live with my mother and since my sister ran away I've started to feel some envy to her. I don't want to but . . . how could she leave me like that? I feel so stranded and alone without her and she's made it very clear that she has no intention of coming home or leaving this guy. She would tell me all the time that she wanted obessessive love. She wanted to be someone moon and sun. I guess she got what she wanted.
Koira, I was thinking that you felt abandoned in all this, first by your mom and then by your sister. It's not a good feeling, or place to "be."
One way to bring your sister back into your life is to stop judging her, but see if you two can do some things together that you enjoy, and just be sisters. Don't put her down for her life, as she would probably begin to put you down (or your mom) and then the relationship would go sour again. Ask her if you can plan to do something together and just go have some fun? Create a new relationship with her, instead of pining the old one.
Everyone makes a decision now and then that puts someone ahead of another in their life. You will too, at some point. Things change. It's a part of life.
I think you do need support through this time, and need to focus on you and your goals for life and how you can make your life the best it can be, without reliance on others to feel worthy! You don't need your sister to be "someone" yourself, though of course it would be nice to have a friendship with her.
I think you need to see what YOU want in life, and go for that.
Best,
drjean