Avatar Posted by moony 109 days ago (Question)
I'm 24yrs old, madly in love with a guy belonging to a different religion since almost 4 yrs. My parents are nt happy with this relationship.. He is very good to me n makes me feel better whenever im upset or im lonely. i ws in the hostel for 5 yrs doin my bachelors in dentistry..i used to be very home sick.. my parents used to cal me once in a while but he used to talk to me 2 or 3 times a day n see to it that im fine, he stil does even though he is abroad,, i feel he is d right guy for me.
Now my parents don wan me to even talk to him.., according to our religion, we hv the right to select our life partner,any religion, but require parents consent.. i have secured 19 ranks and 9 gold medals in dentistry but they dont allow me to work anywher other dan the city wher dey live but there is no vacancy here.. im at home since almost a year now..they say since i fell in love, they don trust me anymore...this is a everyday story at home, i'm fed up listenin to thier yellings..i cry a lot whole day..All my batchmates are working.. I feel very depressed...i have no interest in living anymor.. Please help me..


Answers

Written by SuperInferior 109 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Maybe talking this through with them might help. You might want to do this just to figure out if they're really trying to protect you according to your religion, or if they're just trying to have some control over you. In which case, it might be something you look over.

I'm religious also, so I would never dream of telling you to go against your religion, but sometimes what a religious person might do to you, is not right. For example, most religions say to honour your parents and do as they tell you, but any kind of abuse is not what God would want. And if you're getting depressed I can asume it's not incorrect to call it a type of abuse, in a way.

Explaining just how bad this is for you to your parents might help alittle.

I'm not sure about the job, or bf situation, as agian thats due to having to honour your parents. But if it turns out that they may be just doing it for their own gain, then perhaps a loving God would disagree with them. In which case, maybe going away against their will and having some space from them might be good.

And marriage is something I won't attempt to help with because that definatly relates to your religion and you wouldn't want to start that with guiltiness regarding your parents.

Whatever you do dont end anything. Its going to sound stupid, as when your depressed its the hardest thing to do, but treat everyday as an adventure. The aim of the adventure being to find something else in life to love.

Gardening, creating sculpture, painting. And no, you dont need to be good at it. Just knowing that there is something out there that wouldn't have existed without you is very empowering.

Also, try getting a furry pet, they're said to help with depression. A cat or dog are idea as they seem to have more personality than what my hamster has. But hamster are ok too. Something warm and living in your hands can calm you, and you dont have to feel completely alone that way.

If you need anymore help let me know. I'm overcoming depression too. Also, now that I think about it. Go to your gp and see what he says about your moods. He might be able to suggest things from groups and activities to join, medication or therapy.

Its a good idea to go to the gp and ask if there is a doctor interested in or knowledgable of depression. Theyll have more information for you that way.

Written by moony 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thank u so much for ur help

im truely grateful

Written by Edahn 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you need to focus more on the marriage and your relationship with your parents. If you KNOW you want to marry this guy, then you will have to make a decision between trying to get your parents acceptance (and your religion) vs. this guy. That's a decision you'll have to make on your own.

If you're still just dating this guy, then there is no rush. You can continue to date him until you figure out where you stand.

Sometimes when people deny us something, we end up wanting it more. It psychology, this is called Reactance. Maybe this is happening here on some level. That's something that'll be more clear when you take your parents out of the equation by no longer depending on them for approval and instead coming to rely on yourself more and more.

~E.

Written by moony 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for d reply

Actually, im very much confused nw.., after hearing about reactance, but i don think it has anytin to do with it though...

Written by Edahn 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

After having a little more to think about this, I will give you my complete honest evaluation and advice.

I am an atheist, despite being spiritual. I can appreciate tradition and heritage, but I also believe that religion has a tendency to divide people and create boundaries (and hatred) unnecessarily. I'm not speaking of ALL religions, but I am speaking of most of them, and by the looks of it, I am speaking of yours too.

There is no real substitute for creating your own identity. It will give you confidence and pride in your life and decisions and provide you with deep meaning. Creating an identity doesn't mean you have to reject EVERYTHING you've been doing already. It does require, however, that you evaluate what you believe is right and what you believe is wrong.

In your case, you will have to decide what your religion is really telling you to do. Is it true that it commands you to marry someone else in your religion? Is it possible to interpret your religion's instructions differently to allow you more freedom? Do you believe your religion is legitimate AT ALL? Once you figure that out, you will have to decide how your beliefs conflict with your family's beliefs and desires for you. Are your family's restrictions legitimate and healthy? As I said before, you will have to make a tough decision and I don't think there's any way around that. If your parents' ideas and expectations are too suffocating, you may have to make a hard choice and draw a line about what you are willing to give up and what you are not willing to give up.

This is important stuff that shouldn't be overlooked.

After you establish your values and your "line," you will have to see how you still feel about your boyfriend. Things may change or they may stay the same, but I think you will come out a stronger person if you go through this process of establishing yourself.

~E.

Written by bellacutie 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Let me see if I understand you correctly - your parents are upset that you were seeing a guy(of a different religion) secretly and now they won't let you work outside of your home town - is that right? I think it's nice to respect your parents but I think they're being unreasonable, in not letting you work in a different town. If you're finished and are a dentist now, you could be making alot of money.

Regarding the young man who's a different religion this is something you need to sort out with your parents. I be honest here, that religious differences can cause problems in marriages especially if the parents don't approve. A couple would also need to sort out what to do about whether one of you converts or you each stay the same religion. Then theres the whole confusing decisions about the marriage ceremony and what to do about raising the

children - what religion will they been raised as.

I don't think it's fair that they are keeping you at home and denying you the opportunity to work in another town. I think you need to politely stick up for yourself. Sometimes a difference in religion can cause unforseen problems later on, so be careful. We don't always love the right people, even though it may feel like it at the time. Best of luck. Hugs Bella.

Written by moony 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

first of all, let me thank u for ur reply..

i have told my mom about it since he first got in touch with me.. she even knew he follows a different religion..

actually, according to our religion, we are free to marry a person from any religion provided we get both parents consent,.. He even came down to our house to speak to them..my parents told him to speak to his parents as their consent is required too.. Mom kept telling, might be there is some wisdom in it, n might be its God's wish.. But now, i dono y, mom and dad say , he is nt d right guy for me.. mom doesnt tel me the reason.. i respect my parents a lot and have never backanswered or argued.. im nt able to speak to dad .., might be im scared because he speaks on the face n it hurts me a lot.. he says, he never expected it from me n i have broken his trust...

Written by Clyde 109 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I dont think it is right that they are keeping you home either. Could you talk to them and see if they can change anything?

They probably will not, but after a certain age, why not move out and do what you want?

Best,

Clyde

Written by moony 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thank you for ur help..

I don think my dad wil change his mind... and im scared to talk to him.. i don think i can gather enough courage to talk to him...

Written by Clyde 92 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I can understand you worry about your dad not changing his mind, yet you are 24, and you can do what you want.

BUT you do have to make the decision...you have to weigh the positives and negatives of BOTH relationships and understand you might lose one forever if you decide against them.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bellacutie 108 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi again Moony,

you sound like a very special person/daughter and it's rare to find a young lady who has so much respect for her parents. I married someone from a different religion, so I wanted to share what could be some of the problems that might come up. I wouldn't want you to have problems later on. As long as you're going into this with your 'eyes wide open' then you should be free to follow your heart. I don't think you've done anything so bad that you should be labeled untrustworthy. I'm a mom and would be proud to have you as a daughter. I will give some wisdom though - get established in your dentistry field first, before you become serious with thoughts of marriage or relationship. Also remember now that you're older that you do need some independance from your parents to make decisions. Best of luck in your career and life, hugs Bella.

Written by moony 102 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm really over whelmed by your reply. i know your intentions of helping me was positive and pure and I thank you whole heartedly for your advice. My eyes welled up when you said you would be proud to have me as your daughter. I am seriously considering your advice of getting established in my field first. I wish i had a older sister like you.

thank you once again.

Regards


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