Avatar Posted by sleepy1 33 days ago (Question)
Lets begin with I am the one with the husband that has the fettish of shaving my head during intimacy.
Well, we gave things one more try. He promised not to bring out the clippers and we both made promises on trying to keep things together and what little changes we could make for each other. Things were bliss for about 4 weeks ( I still missed the BF - you can't just fall out of love)
until hubby got drunk one night and - oh my clippers just happened to be behind the bed without a gaurd! and I ended up with 1/2 a buzzcutt. He has been and since then (3 weeks) ago been wonderful and trying his best. Yesterday I couldnt keep it to myself anymore - I want to proceed with a separation. ANd the BF - he isn't talking to anyone. I got ahold of his sister and he gets like this and will stay depressed for months. Great - and I'm almost done making a quilt for his dying mother and he won't talk. Why can't I be strong enough to just be me and the kids. Instead, all I want to do is sleep and cry.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 33 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm sorry you're still going through this. You sound depressed, so have you told your doctor, about how sad you're feeling - are you on medication?

I really think since your husband doesn't want to give this fetish up - you need to officially divorce him. Regarding the other BF -he also sounds like he's a handful and has communication problems. You can still give the quilt to his mother. I think you would really benefit by getting into therapy, to figure out why you seem to tolerate men who have problems. I suspect you have self esteem issues, since you said you wish you could be stronger. Do you have a job so you can get out of your marriage? Will your husband leave or will you? I think you need to be independant and focus on healing yourself before you dive into another relationship. I remember you telling me before that your husband is dead set against giving up this fetish. Even of you divorce him - he needs psychological help!! I hope you finally see that being in this marriage is bad for you and your health. Bella

Written by sleepy1 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Yes, I'm in therapy. She is kind of the type all that gets accomplished is bouncing my thoughts back and forth. Heck my own head does that enough. I am the higest dose of Cymbalta 120 and take XANAX prn. I get pretty low this time of year and was doing OK, use the light for SAD. Husband came home and caught me crying and it looked like I broke his heart telling him we needed to go through with the divorce. He even said and really meant it "Sorry" and "but I've been doing everything right and the way I'm supposed to" Self esteem - ayup that's me. Own my own business and my husband's father is cosigner on the loan... I just wish I could forget about the BF. I had never been in a relationship where everything clicked so well. I guess I just have to smile so the kids don't worry.

Written by bellacutie 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you're a kind person who is vulnerable to your husbands apologies. He may really mean it when he says he's sorry but the problem is - I don't think he has control over his fetish problem. I think you would feel much better once you're out of this marriage. Hopefully his father won't involve personal things like your possible divorce with the fact he's the cosigner of your loan. When the time is right you need to make a decision.

Written by sleepy1 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks - I wish my therapist helped as much as this site does ;)

Written by bellacutie 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You're welcome Sleepy1 - we don' mind helping you at all. Perhaps it's time to find a new therapist. What do you want to do? This has been an on going problem and I don't think he will give this up. Best of luck and feel free to talk . :)

Written by Chemar 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

sleepy, when he does this clipping of your hair, is he being forceful or violent? or do you just let him do it?? Honestly, it sounds like a form of abuse to me rather than just a fetish.

I hope things work out for you. As much as you care for the BF too, maybe give yourself some space for a bit so that you can make a decision about your own future.

Written by sleepy1 33 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

He is forceful. One time he tied me up while I was sleeping because I got it cut and colored by a professional and not him. He cut it all off. None of that crap came up before we got married.

It all just is so jumbled up in my head and I can't seem to be able to make a FINAL decision. I'm no picnic with all my depression issues and low self esteem - sometimes I feel like noone else would put up with me. Then I meet this BF who made me feel like I was the love of his life and vice versa only to find out he has depression issues. I know how he feels but he doesn't want help or talk. You all are right, I have just bounced from dysfunctional to abnormal and back...

Written by sleepy1 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My son just got an email from the BF last night because I took him to see his son and he wouldn't answer the door.

"Sorry about that and I can't take this anymore. Don't waste your time coming down here because I need time to get myself together and until I can make myself happy again. I love your Mom and you but you and she need to have fun with your other friends. I want this to be over because I can't take the hurting you two and me anymore and it just keeps getting worse. So, I think it is best for us to clean out this mess and please don't worry about me because i have to do this myself only!!! So I wish you all the best and I think it's best to move on.

So, what am I just supposed to never see or speak to him again? It's so painful, I am an adult and should be able to let go without crying. My son he is so sweet - he just said. Don't worry Mom he will be ok, you were depressed like him and are ok. He will be too.

Written by bellacutie 31 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sorry this happened regarding your BF. If you were to leave your husband - do you think he would reconsider?? If not I still think you should leave your present husband. I usually don't advise people to leave their partners unless they have have reached the point, where they can't settle differences or there's some kind of abuse. He has cut your hair without permission - he's pressured you about this for years - which equals mental abuse. He's tied you up in an unfriendly way(not playful sex play) which equals physical abuse. He got mad at you for going to get your hair done and left your wedding ring on the chair - this equals emotional abuse. He refuses to get treatment and has done this with other women - not a good sign he'll change for good. I'm sure you can add alot more to this list!!! Once you've carefully thought about it - make a decision where you'll ask him to leave or you should leave. You need to relieve yourself from this stress - it's not good for your children. Your son is right - you will be okay!! Please let me know when you make a decision(post a new question). All the best Bella(hugs)

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think what the bf says is pretty right on. I dont like the idea of you being hurt, however; you do have to realize, you cannot have both.

To me, it sounds like neither is important at the moment. The one cuts your hair (?) sometimes without your permission, and then the boyfriend decides not to talk to you after you go back to the husband?

You wonder why?

I dont mean to be mean, but you have to make up your mind and stick with it.

You deserve (and they deserve) not to be pushed and pulled around this way the rest of your lives.

Best,

Clyde

Written by sleepy1 31 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It's not that I can't make up my mind between the 2 of them. I love the BF more than I have anyone. He doesn't even know I tried to give my husband one more chance. It is just hard leaving the husband with finances and he puts up with me. I had counseling today - It is firm has been for 2+ years as she reminded me. My children come first and he and my 10 year old do not get along. My husband likes to make fun of things at the expense of others. I just need to have the self esteem to realize it's OK to be without a man constantly by my side.

Written by bellacutie 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you had a lightbulb moment here - yes you do need to know it's okay to not have a man by your side. Learn to be independent and happy on your own with your child. When you're finally settled and happier - then you can consider finding another partner. GL


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