Avatar Posted by iamtired 455 days ago (Question)
I feel like I hate myself. I've done some really horrific things. But also, many terrible things happened to me. But I don't feel like I can forgive myself.

I've been told I'm very sick, mentally. Half the time I don't believe it. And the other half I'm trying to convince myself I'm not, but considering it may be the truth.

I've considered killing myself, or at least, having terrible thoughts on those lines, since I was a child. I don't understand myself, one of the horrible things I did was try to kill my siblings when I was 10. They were just little kids, much younger than I was.

I don't understand what would prompt a child to do those things. I blocked it out for a long time, and whenever it was brought up again, I would deny it.

Last night I became very depressed, I usually am, but lastnight I was worse. I walked to the store in the middle of the night, and I kept thinking people or something was following me. And I kept getting scared and growling like an animal. I felt stupid by the time I got home, realising that I was having an episode of paranoia again.

I really hate myself, and have always wished I would die. Or that I had never been born. I've been hospitalized so many times I cannot count them, and I am sick and tired of going there. I feel sometimes, that I should tell people about how I feel like killing myself or others. But I know they would put me in the state hospital for a very long time.

I don't want that, but I'm also very afraid of myself. I've done/thought of things just as bad now that I am an adult, and I did as a teenager. I'm scared of myself, and I wish I could just kill myself. So no one has to worry anymore. My own mother looks at me and starts crying sometimes, saying that I am a selfish child, and it wasn't her fault I turned out the way I am, when in truth, it probably is.

I hate myself for brining so much pain into my family's lives. I hate everything I've ever done, I haven't ever had a pleasant day since I was born. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I'm running out of strength. I keep hearing voices talking to me, either telling me I'm okay and to feel better, that I deserve better. The others just tell me the things I've done are unforgivable, and I'm better off never existing. It's very confusing.

I rarely eat, I don't clean anything, I can't get out of bed half the time, I know it isn't as simple as depression. There's so much more to it, to everything. Too much for one post here in this question forum.

I don't know what to do. I'm terrified, and tired. And I keep shaking. Eventhough I've eaten.

Help me.


Answers

Written by Mattie58 454 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You sound as if you're really suffering, and you shouldn't have to. I hope you'll find a good therapist as soon as you can. You don't have to have these feelings. You're beating up on yourself every day. Please know that no ten-year-old can be "evil" or "bad" -- what you did must have been an expression of something terrible you were going through at the time. It sounds as if you turned your anger, fear, or other negative emotions on the only people who were more powerless than you. You probably endured those stronger than you abusing you, and you tried to "pass it on" as children (and adults) will do. But now you're grown and you know it isn't right. You need to get to the bottom of what happened to you then and how you can move on constructively. Please do find a therapist as soon as you can -- you shouldn't have to live in so much pain any longer.

Written by iamtired 454 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm worried, because lastnight I got into bed, and I turned the lights off. And when I looked up at the ceiling I saw MYSELF standing on it. Then it went away and I saw black footprints walking on the ceiling to the wall, then they came towards me. I got really scared and cried myself to sleep. Then when I woke up thismorning I kept hearing an ambulance siren out my window, in my yard. When I looked nothing was there. And then the sound traveled into my head and I got really scared again and tried to go back to sleep.

I'm worried that something is very wrong, this isn't the first time these things have happened to me, and I'm not sure what to do.

My friends tell me I need to be on medications, but I don't have a doctor, and I'm afraid someone will find out that I'm getting sick and don't know if I should just check myself back into a hospital. I feel very frightened. And I feel like it will happen again soon... what should I do?

Written by Clyde 452 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi I am...

As I mentioned in the previous post, you really do need to seek medical help. Even if it is not medications, you can at least have some psychologist or therapist to talk to about how you are feeling.

I do think that some of your feelings has to do with not being able to discuss all of this. Let the doctor know how you feel.

Best,

Clyde

Written by inkstain87 446 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I have worked with schyzonphrenics before and this seems VERY typical. Schyzophrnia is a crippling disease but it can be controlled. I must stress that for the safety of yourself and your family, PLEASE seek medical help. The visions, the growling, the voices, hearing sirens, lacking cleanliness, they ALL point to schyzophrenia. You can treat this but not without seeking help.


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