Avatar Posted by TreeStar81 88 days ago (Question)
Sorry this is so long, but everything is bursting at the seams for me lately...

There are really no words for how tired I am of feeling so awful all the time. I have multiple health issues & no insurance, suffer from depression, me & my husband are ridiculously broke and have arguments/misunderstandings all too often, I've been applying for so many jobs yet not receiving even one response, I'm wondering what jobs I can even do now, when my body doesn't want to function properly or sleep well at all.

I also know that encountering even one more jerk out there will make me go nuclear, so I I avoid leaving the house unless it's necessary, or if it's a nice day & I can go to the park & not have to deal with anybody. I am so damned fed up with the cruelty, indifference, destructiveness, and stupidity of human beings. My very few trusted friends live on the other side of the country, in & around a city known for its generally aggressive & often destructive attitudes, and that I believe has been a very toxic environment for me -- which is why I left.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired of things, of being in physical pain, and having to force myself to go mentally numb to get through most days. I'm not trying to incite drama here, or be a whiner... I'm just DISGUSTED -- the stress makes the physical ills that much worse -- with being bogged down with this crap all the time. And I'm tired of keeping it all stuffed inside me until it reaches critical mass & becomes yet another mess on top of all the shit that was problematic in the first place. It's just a towering, endless heap of nonsense. About a month ago, I made the lame choice of taking mild pain pills to numb my anger & help me sleep, but they didn't make me tired at all. The panic over it that resulted with my husband and next door neighbor was such an awful fiasco that I'm still very rattled by it. No one wants to have someone yell in their face when they're already feeling horrible. I don't drink much and never take drugs, and it got wildly and painfully blown out of proportion. I felt bad that people were so worried about me. I'm very depressed and angry, but none of the problems I'm dealing with were or are getting addressed by my loved ones, even though I'm telling them plainly what's going on. I'm just getting a very hard time from people about things that aren't the real issues, and have nothing to do with anything. I don't feel heard and feel mostly invisible.

I don't care who judges me; I never really have. I'm a good person, I know I have value & have solid, worthwhile things to offer. None of this is a self-esteem issue. Still, it's nearly impossible to believe that my efforts will result in any progress, or that anything will get better. Years of bad experiences, despite much effort & trying different constructive approaches, have resulted in having no reason to believe life will improve. I worked hard for a degree that I can't use now due to my limited physical abilities, and even moved to a new city with and supposedly better job opportunities, and better food, air & water quality. I thought my health & overall life would improve, but now I'm on food stamps, sick & in pain all the time, and worlds beyond frustrated.

One of the worst part is feeling that I can't or shouldn't turn to my husband for support. He cares for me deeply, but tends to be oblivious and far more concerned about whatever's going on within his own sphere much of the time. We've had a lot of problems and disagreements, specifically regarding his volatile mood swings, presenting his opinions as facts, as well as making decisions that affect us both but that are only in his personal interests. It's definitely created a rift between us, and I don't feel like I can fully be myself or open up to him anymore. I've felt very thoroughly misunderstood and often unconsidered for many months. This saddens me greatly, and is exacerbated in the extreme by the fact that he is enlisting in the Navy very soon. I am strongly against the idea for multiple reasons, his own safety and mental well-being being chief among them. He has serious anxiety issues that I don't think will do well in a high-pressure environment.

I also find it vastly unfair to give up four years or more of the life I (maybe we? I don't know anymore) dream of for us, so he can work for a government/military I inherently distrust, possibly get himself killed, and who knows what he could end up being responsible for by obeying orders, especially if idiot politicians push for war with Iran. I find anything having to do with war deeply disturbing and morally repugnant. I have great respect for veterans and their sacrifices, but this is not the kind of life I signed up for, or ever saw myself having any part of. He is not just signing his own name on that dotted line of the enlistment agreement. It's our LIVES. He is allowing his autonomy to me taken away, and by extension, my own. I will not be free to conduct my personal life how I choose, or in a way that will be in my best interest, because of his decision. I am more appalled by this than I can say.

I am glad that he is trying to form a stronger sense of direction for his life, and am glad for the medical benefits we'll both receive. But I can't help feeling angry & helpless that what is dearest to my heart will be taken away for long periods, for reasons that I find needless, destructive, and basically insane. I would never do well with living on a military base, so my choice is to stay here and HOPE that I find a job & he gets through with is mind & body in one piece, and live a lonely life that's nothing like the one I so looked forward to with him, and worry about him all the time while we're separated... or, go live a lifestyle that is a very poor fit, on the property of a government I want no parts of and feel outrage towards, and will be vastly uncomfortable and isolated in. I feel awful enough as it is about having such an unclear future job-wise, and thinking of either of these options brings on overwhelming sadness.

He is moving forward with his enlistment regardless of how I feel, though, and I can't help being angry and feeling kind of abandoned, and a strong sense of disbelief over it. I would never subject him to something like this. My heart is breaking every day thinking about it, and I am so angry with him that it greatly interferes with enjoying what time we have left before he ships out. It's a lose-lose situation: bottle up all the intense feelings & try to be happy together while we can, despite my insides screaming in hurt & outrage about how unfair this is, or be honest about my feelings and try to work it out somehow, which only paints me as the villain for not being supportive, when I CAN'T, for the sake of his well-being in addition to our marriage, which leads to guilt and widens the rift between us... it has become an emotionally exhausting catch 22.

I've been working & hoping, trying to overcome obstacles & make the best of things all my life. I used to pride myself on transcending life's troubles with grace, and now I'm bitter, disgusted, and cannot stand having one more bit of happiness taken away from me, or another thing I've worked for or another chance I know I deserve come to nothing. I don't want pity, or to hear that I should move back to my hometown (my old friends often badger me about this, as if returning to a place I couldn't stand will somehow magically solve things). I'm not spiritual, I don't want prayers, and don't believe in medication for cases like this. But nobody seems to listen or understand, and every day something inside of me screams louder about all the things I desperately want to change, yet cannot.

I'm incredibly tired and apologize for the long rant... I just needed to speak my mind, whatever it's worth.





Answers


Chemar
87 days ago
Hi

it is good that you released the feelings here.

It honestly sounds to me like you should be seeing a therapist (psychologist) so that you can talk about it all in a safe environment

I can understand that you are hurting, and that you also understandably are upset at your husband for making the decision to enlist when you don't support it. But there are also possibly reasons that he feels this is the right decision and just as you are struggling with your issues, he is trying to deal with his in ways he feels are right.

You being angry is not going to solve any of the problems.

If you read through your post, you may be surprised to see how many "I, me and my's there are.....maybe that is a clue? As humans, we do tend to see the world through the narrow lens of our own perspective, but sometimes we can get so introspective that we lose sight of the whole.

I do hope you will see a therapist, even if you need to wait till you get medical coverage, and also that you and your husband may consider marital counseling as well. Being able to talk things through with a trained professional can frequently bring a lot of resolution in areas that may seem unsolvable!
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bella
87 days ago
I agree its sounds like you need to sort out these life issues with a therapist, since there are several problem areas. I want to ask a couple questions: do you have children, what kind of pain medication are you taking and what kind of physical limitations do you have?? Regarding the pain meds - I hope its not Oxycontin, because this is so addictive. When a person has pain and psychological stress, this is the perfect ground for an addiction to form. As you mentioned, you took pills and I quote "taking mild pain pills to numb my anger & help me sleep" - this is key behavior that could lead to addiction to pain meds.

Regarding lack of a job - when someone with a degree can't find a job, they often forget to look outside their degree. This means taking a job below your education training - yes its embarrassing, but at least its money. Regarding financial troubles - I believe all couples should get financial counseling, work on a budget and know how to cut corners...such as canceling satellite, shopping a lower end stores, controlling excess spending, etc.

I hear mostly in your post, that you're completely stressed out and angry - a therapist can help you address each area and find solutions or at least acceptance, so you're not burning about your life problems. If you're just seething about problems, this prevents you from finding solutions. You also need to speak with your family doctor to find ways of coping with your physical problems. Your psychological problems will exacerbate your physical problems too.

Regarding your husbands decision to join the military - does he know how you feel? Is he making this decision to improve your overall financial problems? Is this a deal breaker or someone you can work around. Can you handle being alone? I hope you'll find the best solution and hope life gets better for you.
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