i need a quick and painless way of killing myself.
i wont bother you with a drawn out oh feel sorry for bullshit script.
if your afraid to post it publicly send me a messege.
thank you


Answers


bella
1655 days ago
Hi,

I'm not afraid to post publicly plus there is no other way of talking to you. I'll be honest, I sense you're not into sugar coating talk so I'll be frank with you. We are a site that tries to stop people from killing themselves and I won't tell you how to do it. I lost my brother almost 2 years ago, so I know the devastaion suicide brings. What do you think this will do to your family and friends? Your life won't always be this way and nothing is worth losing your life over? Would you like to talk about what's bothering you. I will also give you a compassionate link to look at. The most important thing you should do if your feelings are out of control, is go to your nearest emergency room or call a crisis line like 1-800-SUICIDE. The next thing to remember is to WAIT never make decisions when you're upset. You're welcome to talk here as much as you like. Here is the link: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/



hatingme
1655 days ago
im sorry to hear about your brother. no on will miss me when im gone..i been sick in and out of the hospitals 6 surgeries been tested for everything they dont know what is wrong so i stop going to the doctor they are all fakes. my family has never been there for me even when the hospital called them and told them that i died 2 times and said they need to come they never came. everyone in my life is addicted to pills and drugs( family and boyfriend) im stuck with no where to go



chistyle
1335 days ago
I hope that I am not to late with this. Please dont take that step. I lost my brother to a suicide and the pain and suffering might be gone for him however for all of his loved ones it just stays. With the holidays here it makes it worse. See my bro. killed himself after his son accidently fell their 10 floor balcony. It hurts everyday however we have to move on no matter how hard it is. PLEASE do not take this step.....Their are people who care for you even though your unsure. I dont even know a thing about you and I CARE. We dont know what is on the other side and who is to say that it will be better. I have those thoughts all the time especally with it being holiday season and I find help weather it be a friend, family or even a phone call to a prevention hot line. We all have problems and I'm a professional substance abuse counselor who still calls the hotlines. Matter of fact I just got of the phone with one not 10 minutes ago. STRIVE TO BE THE BEST THAT YOU CAN. cause i know you can...



ithinkaboutit2
1319 days ago
I just googled I want to die and I found your messages. I really was feeling suicidal so I took a Xanax. I don't know if reading your answers or the drugs are helping but I do feel better. Sickly, the most influential post was the one with detailed instructions on how to cut your wrists. After reading that, I am sure that is NOT the way to go. I guess I'll just keep plugging along a little more.



hatemyworld
1309 days ago
Removed_by_a_moderator.



s_marshall15
1298 days ago
hating me, please post something to show us all that you're okay.

I care.



nohopeever
833 days ago
I know how hateme is feeling. Ive had nothing but medical problems and nobody who cares if i die or not either. many surguries, physical pain, constant financi



nohopeever
833 days ago
problems and was actually shocked to find another human on this earth with the calused, cold ppl who don' even come see me when I was dying!I want an easy, painless way tp go too!



nohopeever
833 days ago
Im sorry abouour bro also, but I don't have a caring family or anyone who would be sad if i were gone



nohopeever
833 days ago
PS crisis lines and mental health clinics don't help... i can't be seen. either because i supposedly have too much income or not enough. either way, no counseling for me . wouldn't probably help anyway, no support in my "real world"



hatingme
1655 days ago
see how stupid it sounds god how pathetic!! im sure i will find another site that will give me the answer i need i just need to know how many somas to take?i am really sorry about your brother. i guess thats why i felt the need to let you in to my sick little world for just one moment.

thanks



DOIT
1505 days ago
Removed_by_a_moderator.



hyperguy222
1339 days ago
find Jesus



lunamoon
1334 days ago
email me: herholdtdi@gmail.com



hatemyworld
1309 days ago
Removed_by_a_moderator.



nohopeever
833 days ago
U don't sound stupid to me. i wish i would have found u sooner because i feel the same way a lot! Most of the time anymore!



nohopeever
833 days ago
hatingme, are u still alive? I am whaere u were.



bella
1655 days ago
Even if I lost everyone in my whole family, I would still want to live. Anyone who would tell you how to end your life would be a sick evil person. If I were you, I would be stubborn and live despite how your family is. I'm sorry your family isn't supportive. You can make something of your life even if you don't have family support. Please call 911 and go to the emergency room.



nohopeever
833 days ago
I am a Christian. Unfortunately, being around the Christians i was around at a church for yrs just made me feel worse about me and as if it is somehow my fault im not "healed".. Gee, that really helped a lot!!!! Not! Plus, they abandoned me too! Just like my own so called "family"



nohopeever
833 days ago
Well, I bet u were blessed with knowing u were loved in the first place Bella. I was not!!! Ive tried to love myself but there isn't a way to love yourtself if u have never been truly loved. Im 10 yrs older than hatingme and have honestly had periods of time trying so hard to make life better but never works



wendi nance
1655 days ago
PLEASE FOR YOU FAMILY'S SAKE DO NOT DO IT. IT WILL CAUSE SO MUCH HURT AND PAIN. THERE IS HELP OUT THERE AND GO TALK TO A PRIEST AND PRAY. YOU NEED MEDICATION AND PEOPLE DO CARE IF YOU WILL REACH OUT TO THEM. FAMILY ARE QUICK TO CRITIZE BECAUSE THEY THINK THEY CAN. OUT SIDERS CAN HELP AND UNDERSTAND YOU. GO TO THE HOSP OR CALL 911. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR AND JUST DO NOT REALIZE IT. I WILL PRAY FOR YOU RIGHT NOW.



nothing.
1529 days ago
Show / Hide



RTS
1655 days ago
Hating me, I can understand that it seems hopeless and painful and that your familyis probably not giving you the support you truly need just now. That is horrible. And sometimes the body works in ways that we still for all our knowledge don't understand, we see that all the time where I work. I can see why, with all this and your depression closing your eyes to everything else, you want to go. I was there myself, many times. So listen, please.

There is no guarantee that life will continue for you as it has up to now. Doctors learn more over the years and there might be better ways to help you mnths or even years later. There is also the fact that even if your family doesn't care (they may not, who am I to say)depression won't let you see or acknowledge the people who do, or understand that there are millions of people you have a chance of meeting, and among those are people who definitley would care very much once they get to know you.

The problems with suicide is that there is no chance to go back if it doesn't solve your problems. I'll let you think that one through. I don't preach on site. if you are alive, your choices are much, much broader, even inf your depression is not letting you see it. I am very glad I failed, but there were some very hard years there in between. Like Bella cutie, I cannot help you with doing your self in. there is much that prevents me from that. But trust me, hon. I care. Please get help to bear the pain you are in and to put off this decision. that's all I can say. Wishing you well, dear.



series0
1655 days ago
Hello hatingme!

I know it could be hard to talk about, but I'd like to know what was the nature of your 6 surgeries? What are your symptoms? What do you think is wrong with you? I know doctors are just human as well and they are often wrong and that can be very frustrating when they are supposedly the experts. One of my favorite quotes is from an old Air Force Lieutenant Colonel who was a teacher of mine. He said, "At the pentagon, we have a definition for the word, expert. X is an unknown quantity, and spurt is a drip under pressure." Never gets old to me.

Anyway,

I'd like to know more about the nature of your pain and suffering before attempting to offer you any advice on how to go about fixxing it.

Please, tell us more!



hatingme
1654 days ago
hello series0

to sit and list is hard but here i go if you really want to know.

my first surgery was when i was 6 days old. i was born with toxcimia poisoning they did exploritory surgery and found i had an extra kidney on my right side that was pushing toxins into my body before i was born. so they removed it. i now have hydronephrosis in my right kidney and Pyelonephritis that keeps comming and going

so that is long term now and im 37. my next surgery was when i had a tubal pregnancy i lost half a tube and alot of blood. then it caused more complications that led to cancer cells or what ever and 9 years ago i had a full hysterectomy ( another surgery) but before that i had to have my gall bladder taken out and they had to cut me open do to keloid scare tissue built up from when i was a baby so all my organs in my stomach were all connected due to this and they took out my gall bladder and sewed me up and 2 weeks later i was home but ended up going back to the er 2 days later they had cut open my liver and didnt know it and fluid i guess or what ever it was destroyed half of my intestines and my small bowel andhalf of my actual stomache where food goes. i was very sick and during this surgery i died 2 times on the table and was in surgery for 12 hours while they tried to fix it all. i came out of surgery into a catatonic state i was bad off they didnt think i would make it. so needless to say my tummy looks like something from a horror movie. and 2 years ago i had 2 infected lymph nodes in my pelvis they removed on that was the size of a golf ball and left the other they did a biopsy but the infection was soo bad one result came back negitive for cancer and they other 2 came back inconclusive. i had lost 100 pounds. they gave me the one medicine i was allergic to andi got scared and left after they gave me a shot to make it stop. my lymph nodes swell up and hurt alot im my arm pits and lower on my pelvis and my legs. i dont have insurance. and i dont trust doctors anymore.

so there you have it!



bella
1654 days ago
Hi Hatingme,

I hope you're okay. Can you please let us know how you are today? You're welcome to talk here until our eyes hurt LOL. We're hear to listen. Bella :)



hatingme
1654 days ago
im here i guess this all seems soo odd. i gues if you can keep em talking thats something good right?i want to say thank u to everyone who has even bothered to read this. thank you bella your words lastnight kept me safe i guess. i dont know. i get soo confused and lost. people really dont understand why i am like this.

some say im just a baby or i see things one sided or that i let my emotions take over and that im selfish.maybe they dont understand cuz they dont feel the pain inside me whether it be my body pain or my emotional pain. i feel like they dont hear me when i say i cant deal with anymore or when i cut myself. they dont listen they just keep yelling and yelling and all the unhappiness consumes me and i dont know what to do with it.i want to scream and yell but there is no point they just dont listen EVER.



bella
1654 days ago
Hi Hatingme,

I first want to say, I'm glad you're safe and thank you for writing us back. There's only been 1 time when a poster didn't respond back from a suicide post and from our stand point it's tough. I once got out of bed to check on 1 poster because she sounded so determined - the funny thing is, she had a change of heart and went out with friends LOL.

Thank you for taking the time to explain your medical history and this is horrible what you've been through. I understand why you don't trust doctors. Have you considered sueing for neglegence because I think you have a good case. I know money isn't everything but at least it would take some burden off. I'm sorry you have suffered and still are suffering. There's are member in the forum section who also suffers a great deal physically and mentally - yet some how she manages to have a positive attitude. If you like you can join the forums side, I can hook you up if you would like to talk to her. Do you have any children or a spouse? You can also join the forum section and talk as much as you like and this might help a little, by getting some of your frustrations out. I live in Canada where we go to the doctors free. Do you live in the U.S.? There are still good doctors out there and I hope you can find one who can help you with your pain. I hear you, when you say your life is a struggle, but I hope you won't give up. There are people who have to deal with terrible physical and mental challenges, but some how manage to find the strength to live their lives. Please let me know if you would like to talk to the member I spoke about earlier. Are you in physical pain all the time and on a scale of 1-10 how would you rate it. I sense you're very angry and I certainly understand why. I think talking about your frustrations, might help you - you need validation. Thanks again for writing back. Bella



series0
1654 days ago
hatingme,

Thank you for sharing these hard times with me. Don't worry, it's absolutely clear that anyone still able to deal with life on any level after all you've been through is a trooper and it's completely understandable that you complain about both the possiblity of medical negligence and the immense pain you are under regardless.

I like Bella's suggestion about getting you hooked up with people that can directly understand your pain and suffering by way of having had similar experiences.

I also think that as much as possible you need to find a place and way to experience joy that is away from constant reminders of what you have been through. Some online entertainment is a superior way to approach this because you can make yourself comfortable at home and immerse yourself into the online environment. Such activities can definately be entertaining and help you to feel joy.

Also, even though you do not trust doctors consider this out-of-the-box approach: interview or go for first consult with doctor after doctor until you find a physician you genuinely like and who likes you back. Even if the physician will not allow for a friendship relationship which is understandable on some levels, I think you need to feel like the doctor is a caring person who may not succeed all the time but is definately in it to help. Let that new doctor learn all your history and tell him or her that you obviously want ongoing medical advice but that a big goal for you is improving your quality of life, your outlook, etc. Conversely some folks prefer a doctor that is a complete jerk but who is a radical perfectionist and unlikely to make any mistakes at all. Decide which one you are looking for and go find them.

I dont know all there is to know about insurance but a lot is changing in the US these days. Try to stay abreast of changes in the law and coverage so you can maximize your care.

Again, thank's for sharing. Stay with us and good luck!



RTS
1653 days ago
I just want to echoe what the others have said; thank you for posting agin. I can't even begin to imagine the pain, physicallt, mentally and spriritually you must be going through. Operations are at the best a violation of the bodiy, albeit often necessary such. What happened to your body was a real outrage.

I don't believe that you are "just " getting carried away by your emeotions, or that you are Just" thinking negatively. Your life has served you an amazing amount of the bad stuff up to now. I can see why you feel that won't change. Do you have contact with some type of couselor or therapist? There is a type of therapy called ACT (acceptance commitment therapy; Please don't let the "acceptance " side of it scare you off) that has been really beneficial for people with chronic pain and other chronic illnesses, also depression. If you can't or don't want to contact a therapist, try ordering a workbook on the therapy for yourself and see what you think. Much is really self help. You seem smart, persistant, and turned off on experts, so that is just my suggestion.

take care of yourself, for yourself, and I really hope that things start looking better in your life.



RTS
1653 days ago
Also, I would encourage trying to get a hold of a therapist or a p-doc that you can work with no matter what. I know it will be hard, and that is why I talked about the other approach, but best would be to have that human contact to turn to during the worse times.



bella
1653 days ago
Good idea RTS about the above ACT therapy - it really does help a great deal is a person accepts their circumstances. This doesn't mean giving up but it does mean moving on from the acceptance. It means yes life has dealt me a 'bad deck' but I'll make the best of it. It would also be great if Hatingme could get into therapy that involves dealing with her pain.



GazingAtTheStars
1635 days ago
hatingme I'm not going to waste my time telling you something I know won't work. Nor am I going to try to lie to you in order to save your life. I'm typing this because I want you to understand that you're not the only one out there in pain. Most people won't admit this, but life in general is quite a sad prospect. I deduce this simply from the natural design of life itself. The fact that one must terminate the life of another to survive, sounds to me like the roman colosseum. In all actuality the value of your life and it's meaning are completely up to you. Some people fear death so much that they try to prolong their lives by whatever means necessary. But the people like you and I..we lean to the other side. We await the peace of death, and look forward to it. Just to prove to you I'm no liar, I'll give you a two sentence summary on my pain. My whole life I've just wandered around, never stayed in the same place, and never kept the same friends. I lost my father to suicide a month ago, and now just moved again, and lost all my friends and home. There is only one goal I live for, and without it I deem life completely worthless. I want you to take up this goal, and try to find the answer to it too. Where did we come from, and what's the purpose of our existence? These are the two questions that you must answer. That's my only motivation, and it will become yours as well. I am only 16 years old, but I see through the lies and get straight to the point. You don't need medical help, you don't need to go to a psychologist, you don't need their pathetic worthless advice on something they cannot comprehend. Answer that question, and forget the rest. That is one question is one that hasn't been answered yet, and it probably is impossible to answer. Yet we strive for what cannot be achieved. It's still my only motivation. Good luck to you.



lindsey gale
1632 days ago
I have battled with this state called depression for twenty years, since the age of six when i first tied a dressing gown belt around my neck and lay in bed fantasising about ending it all, i have never been far from these troubled thoughts, when i am low the though of not having to wake up for another day of suffering comforts me, because i beleive at times it will be the end of this suffering...if i could end the suffering then i would want to live, if there is a cure i will stay alive. I do not kill myself because i am afraid of dying, and yet it is also living that scares me to death, i am up and down, solemn and then tearful, angry and then silent ..i am allways shrowded by this dark heavy curtain that sometimes sweeps across me form the moment i open my eyes in the mnorning, i have to accept that i am genetically born a depressive, if i can fill my life with other depressives then i will be happier given that we are all unhappy.my email address lindseygale1983@hotmail.com.please get in touch.When we feel this way we need to drown in our desire to die, not die by drowning.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx



wontgiveup
1608 days ago
hatingme,

I just read your post today. You haven't written anything in a while. Can you please write a message. I'm here for you as I was/am in a similar situation as you. I hope you are safe right now. Please write soon.



Tony Cantlay
1601 days ago
I too suffer from depression and much of the time want to die. I'm afraid I'm old - 55 - and find it hard to concentrate, so I am baffled by this website.

If anyone would like to keep in touch I am tony_cantlay@hotmail.com

T.C.



nevertell
1599 days ago
Please don't kill yourself!! I'm bipolar II, with many other medical conditions. I some what understand your pain. Suicide has been on my mind since I was a child, and have made two attempts. For me there was little choice about ending my life, I was so depressed that all of my logic was gone and I couldn't see past the end of my nose for any options. Please seek psychological help immediately, counseling and medications do work. My help came from the hospital where I was after trying to kill myself. Please...don't let it get that far!! You will be in my prayers, and I hope that you stay safe and ok.



caring4uverymuch
1575 days ago
Hi hatingme and anyone else considering dying. I have depression and often have suicidal ideation, but every time i come out of it, despite the realization that i haven't escaped the pain, the realization that i have distracted myself from it or overcome it and NOT done it keeps me still going! i REALLY HOPE YOU KEEP YOUR CHIN UP. i really randomly came across this site but i care about people in this world having hope, and i don't know if it will help you but i offer you my solidarity in fighting your battle against suicide. i am SO HAPPY and PROUD OF YOU for seeking this website and TALKING to the people on it. for those who are trying to help, YOU ARE ANGELS, KEEP WRITING AND RESPONDING TO POSTS. i feel like i'm not that great because i'm not a therapist (i actually go to one to try to help myself and i am fortunate that i can afford a very good one) but sometimes my therapist tells me i'd be good at her job because i care about people really genuinely. anyways this isn't about me but just a little introduction - I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT PEOPLE CARE ABOUT YOU, and they DON'T HAVE TO BE YOUR FAMILY BY BLOOD. SOMETIMES OTHER PEOPLE may seem to care about you more, like the people on this FORUM! PLEASE LISTEN TO THEM! WE LOVE YOU! I DON'T KNOW YOU BUT YOU ARE MY BROTHER/SISTER IN HUMANITY AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU! KEEP FIGHTING, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!! sorry for the caps but from what i've read in your posts, i know you must be in SO MUCH PAIN, but the pain is NOT ALL there is. it may be all you can feel for some time, but hang on for those moments that it lessens, subsides, or goes away at all, even for a second. each second is precious. each second you read one of these messages and feel loved, is precious. you are SO LOVED. i am so not a hokey person either and i don't mean to sound hokey, i MEAN IT REALLY FOR REAL!! and i'm not a teenager i'm an adult sorry if i sound super emotive!! i really care i really do and i want you to listen to the people here writing to you to STAY STRONG as STRONG AS YOU CAN. don't worry about it being enough or not, whatever you can muster is good enough and keep looking for more strength, keep writing to people and draw upon their strength if it helps you! please please please stay alive. please. it would mean so much to me. i need to make sure i don't die, and it's ironic because i searched "die" on google and this came up and then it made me want to NOT die. so i hope it works the same way for you!! all the caring people writing back you helped me too! i hope for the people still struggling that you feel something good that people are writing to you -- they love you, they are taking time for you, because they WANT TO. because they CARE about you and your LIFE. I CARE TOO. AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT. i am sorry in advance if this is the only time i write, but PLEASE TAKE MY BIGGEST HUGS (non-painful ones in case your physical status is delicate) and wrap them around you and know that you are CARED about. even if you have to close your eyes and imagine this in a room full of people, don't be embarrassed to do it if it could help! I think you are SO AWESOME for reaching out, keep REACHING OUT as MUCH AS YOU NEED for AS LONG AS YOU NEED. KEEP WRITING :) SOMEONE WILL READ, SOMEONE WILL LISTEN, SOMEONE WILL CARE, EVEN IF THEY JUST HAPPEN ACROSS THIS LIKE ME :) i know it might sound strange but I LOVE YOU and i don't mean in a religious or any other context, just purely because you are a human being like me and you deserve the best life possible and something tells me you want more than you've got so far -- so keep fighting for it, you deserve better, the people here believe so. am i right, web people? please help me tell hatingme and everyone else that WE LOVE YOU. WE CARE. STAY STRONG. even if you feel weak, i know physical pain is hard and emotional on top of that makes everything seem unbearable, but if you are reading this, you are MAKING IT and KEEP ON KEEPIN ON please please please YOUR LIFE IS PRICELESS and IT IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

I HOPE I COME BACK BUT IF I DON'T PLEASE FORGIVE ME -- I WILL ALWAYS THINK "HMM I HOPE THAT PERSON IS OKAY!" TRUST ME I DEFINITELY DO THAT! I DON'T WRITE ON RANDOM SITES REALLY EVER SO YOU ARE MY LUCKY ONE :) I DON'T KNOW BUT MAYBE MY THOUGHTS AND CARING HEART WERE MEANT TO GO OUT TO YOU FOR SOME REASON :) TAKE CARE PLEASE, PLEASE KEEP SURVIVING. YOU CAN DO IT. I BELIEVE IN YOU. YOU ARE STRONGER THAN ANYTHING!!!

and oh my gosh, if you survived dying 2 times...LOOK AT HOW STRONG YOU ARE!!!! YOUR BODY HAS BEEN PUT THROUGH A LOT, AND YOU ARE HERE SO THAT MEANS YOU ARE STRONGER THAN ANYBODY I KNOW BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH ANYTHING LIKE THAT. so many people whine and complain about trivial things...you don't strike me as one of them. how you feel is never trivial. i lost my grandma because she felt like nobody would listen to her when she would talk...it was a hard lesson for all my aunts and uncles who used to wave off what she'd say like "oh she just talks a lot"

TALK AS MUCH AS YOU NEED TO. YOU MAY FIND THAT PEOPLE HAVE MORE CAPACITY FOR YOU THAN YOU EXPECT. WE LOVE YOU.



caring4uverymuch
1574 days ago
p.s. also please keep writing here so we know you're okay



asilaydyingin2010
1551 days ago
We speak in different voices when fighting with the ones we love. We do it remind ourselves that this is real... real, I'll never.

It's not about the family or friends. It's about us. Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if it were just you in it?

... and do people really get it? I think that for the most part they do. There are a lot of people out there dealing with different problems and we all cope with these problems in different ways - some not so bad and some worst than others. Some have lost the ability to cope, or weren't prepared to in the first place. It's especially difficult when you've felt a great shock and there's NOTHING you can do about it.

The thing is - some of us can and do get up everyday and do what we know we have to even though we have issues to handle. Why should one person get up and go to work when they know they're dying and will be gone within a few years anyhow, but not another? I've seen it done.

I look to them for encouragement, but I always remember that ultimately it's up to me. I know that you think you will feel peace when you do. The thing that always stopped me was that I didn't have a quick and painless way to do it. It's just too scary.

It's also unnatural... and you know what, I've seen some really depressed people go on with life - and oddly, years later, they're still chugging along.

What YOU need are some friends who make you feel good despite your misgivings and your health - that is, friends who will talk and chat or play and be goofy. You need that neighbor that drives you crazy; the cat that never leaves you alone - and if you can get it... I hesitate to say this because of personal experience... atleast one family member who drives you absolutely insane.

You don't have to get along with all of them - and they may not GET you at all - but you're going through some serious pain here and MUST connect immediately, or YOUR death may be imminent - and I know that is NOT what you want - atleast, not unnaturally.

It is not easy to do - and you may have to use the internet to get it, but you must be forewarned... the computer can be a very depressing place. If you can go outside try to make some friends at a local "kind" pub, or something like that. Get coffee in the morning and talk to people - take a paper if no one is there to talk to.

If you can't go outside, try to mix it up a little bit. Clean dishes, watch TV, talk on the computer, and please READ... books take a long time to read and you want to read them until the end - the less time you spend thinking about your problems, the better.

Do not get trapped into thinking about your problems all of the time. Identify those moments when you are most depressed and brace yourself for them. This may be the most valuable piece of advice I can give you... spend as little time as possible thinking about your problems by replacing them with things you like.

I have a toothache - however, I am on the net writing this message to all of you. I thought about suicide tonight, about 30 minutes ago... and then I came here and wrote this message. Now I'm going to go to bed, and even though I don't want to - I will get up and go to work tomorrow... I love my job, and it takes my mind off my struggles - usually.

Bear in mind that I AM blessed in many ways to not have the same issues as you - and thank goodness for that! However, I am very much depressed BECAUSE of my family.

... and bear in mind - trust me on this one... neither you nor anybody else out there understands, or cares about MY PROBLEMS. I however care about how they feel about me explaining my problems because I know that they have problems too and are doing the same damned thing as me.

A couple of keychain style jokes...

"Your problems make me feel better"

"Your problems make you funnier"

just my two cents



nothing.
1529 days ago
hatingme,

Are you still with us, *Moderator edit* I was thinking about killing myself and i happened to Google, "i want to die." That's when i found this. I made an account just to post this because this is really important to me. I wont understand how you feel, but maybe i can tell you how i feel and that could help.

I hate life because it has no point. I am 18 and i think about death almost everyday. there is nothing particularly wrong with my life. It is as bad as the next persons. Society is sick and makes us sick. I am unhappy because the dumb shit people in the world tried to give it meaning. It didn't work for me. Some have their gods, and others have their humanity. I have nothing. My purpose was purely meant for procreation and it is my belief that yours was too. I want death because there is so much pain and to die is a beautiful think. It is the ultimate obliteration of everything that is you. Afterward there is nothing. No pain, suffering, hate. We die everyday, why not speed up the process? Life may be a Wonderful thing, but what does it matter when we die and are forgotten? Its not worth the trouble to me.



nothing.
1529 days ago
I love you, and its not because a god told me to. it is because the only thing that matters in this short lifetime is how we treat the people around us. If you are treated like shit and your life sucks then i wish the best for you. And if you want to die i respect that. Just please make sure that its what you want. In the big picture neither of us matter. We could both die right now and it absolutely wouldn't matter to the world. Despite that, remember this: There are people that care about you and want you to be happy(i am one of them). If it makes you happy to die then please do it. Don't wait one more minute. If there is an alternative though, then consider it. If i were you i would simply leave everything and start somewhere new, but it isn't my choice.

I really can't tell you what to do. You should remember that you are in command of your own life. Don't let society or the nasty people in it dictate your life. it is yours so take it into your own hands. You may be able to make yourself happy. You may not though. Just remember: suicide can always wait till tomorrow. Also, death will happen eventually. "When" doesn't really matter because it will happen.

Please write back. i want to know what you have decided and think. Your last post was 124 days ago so you are either dead or probably not suicidal anymore. Regardless or the outcome, i hope you are happy. If you perchance get on this site to read this then i hope what i have said helps. If it didn't help, then at least you know that there is one more person that cares.

If you do kill yourself, i would buy a gun and put a bullet straight through your skull if i were you. Make sure to stick it in your mouth and shoot upward so you know it will kill you and not just pass through your brain. I always thought that would be one of the most beautiful ways to go. Also i think jumping from a tall building would be cool. Make sure it is high enough so you die though lol. Either way there is something really fast hitting something not moving and that usually leads to a lot of damage to both objects. Don't do pills they can take too long and you could just throw them up and get sick. Also don't cut your wrists. That's to painful and makes no sense because you are running from pain. You might not die also. Good luck! please write back.



sucide
1529 days ago
I know how u feel i am there right now I turned 22 4 hours ago and realized my life is meaningless the world will be better off without me and am thinking if i can really go through with it a painless way is to take sleeping pills lots of them strong ones maybe ment for large animals cows,horse ect... u fall asleep and your heart slows to a stop make sure no one will find u for a few hours or they will pump your stomach and then u will be on sucide watch 24/7 it is painless you just never wake up.



just jess
1523 days ago
i just want to sleep forever



ILLKIDD
1516 days ago
Still there? I've been reading this and I think the less painless way is to freeze to dead. You actually fall asleep before you go. Can't beat that.

Good luck. See you in the after life



bellajean
1505 days ago
I just lost my husband 7 months ago at the age of 43 to a sudden heart attack..... and let me tell you it hurts very bad every day....Just think of the pain you would cause your family and friends.....Please, Please dont' take your life....Life is a wonderful thing....cherish is nothing is that bad



DOIT
1505 days ago
How about all you stop talking about it and go do it already? Not that hard, shoot yourself in the head and be done instead of looking for attention and making people feel sorry for you. I could name off all the shit that's happened in my life from molestation to abuse to drugs to being an orphan and so on but you know what, play the cards you were dealt or get the hell off this planet and stop taking up the space.



CURIOUS
1475 days ago
Hi DOIT. I'm intrigued by your hard stance with this issue. What has life dealt you and how have you so successfully dealt with it all?



whocares
1382 days ago
Hey DOIT why don't you f#*k off and stop using someone else's forum to cry "poor me". Yeah, orphaned, molested...not what you chose but how dare you compare your struggles to any one else's. You are such a negative voice I think YOU need to seek help. As if you are not seeking sympathy by listing your hardships - what a wank!!! Life is hard, whatever cards you are dealt. Don't project your negative bullshit onto others who are already having a hard enough time out there.



iwantalso
1474 days ago
HTML....I WANT TO DIE ALSO I TIRED OF PRAYING TO GOD



adrian
1473 days ago
Have any of you ever heard of the Choking Game? Well, there are a number of techniques but the easiest (for me at least) is to use a belt and wrap it tightly around your neck until you pass out. Well, anyways, you're supposed to do it with people watching you so that when you pass out they can take the belt off. However, if death is your wish, you can simply wrap the belt around your neck just as you would put it on your waist and then tie the end of the belt to a doorknob and get down to a point where you can make the belt tighten around your neck. You should feel the effects of strangulation quite quickly, but you might want to practice with a friend until you get the "hang" of it. People play the Choking Game quite often so you could tell your friend that you are simply doing it to get high.



twinsxmelbei
1408 days ago
we typed "i want to die" in on google

and it came up with this.

mell and beii wish that you dont die because we know what its like to feel like you want to commit suicide..its not a good feeling

but we want you to know that there are people, even if they dont show it, that are out there who will always love you and you need to realise it.

dont listen to selfish pricks like DOIT..

they dont know what theyre saying can really affect how you think about all of this.

so please dont hurt yourself and please reply to us soon

we want to know how your feeling because we are worried

we are only 16 and are sitting in a history class and responding to your messagee, shows that we really care.

lovee, mel and bei.xoxo



whocares
1382 days ago
I hope that your recent absence is a sign that you are getting the love and help you need, and not another alternative. Your pain is real, but I hope you can overcome it. I hope that you are ok.



dontdoit
1380 days ago
this message is for doit... many people endure pain, loss , hardships... but their are many people that are chemically imbalenced and your fucking commit could lead those people to death, you are thoughtless and uncaring which may be due to your upbringing... but there are many people that dont know how to deal and act on emothions which isnt their fault , and comments like yours only bring torment to those people... in return death ... you are obviousy an uncaring person... unalbe to see how one can hurt so bad and ask for help in the wrong ways but dont know what else to do ... you need to look statistics and information up before you speak in ignorance... the only thing that may come out of your hurtful post is that it may push one overboard



s_marshall15
1298 days ago
that's so true and I can't believe someone could be so uncaring to take another human being's life just by a comment.



crackers
1367 days ago
What happened here? We never heard back from hatingme ... if you passed through the valley of darkness, I hope you had safe journey and now lie in peace. In some way, the fact you thought this through is beautiful.

From my own perspective, I think about suicide many times, each day ... Ironically, its when I think about the actual act of taking my life, that I no longer dwell on the past, nor dread the future and just live in the present. As I pop the cap off the bottle and pour the tablets into my hand that is the only time I ever see myself in the mirror clearly, with no distortion nor irritating humming in my mind. The mind that tells me I have failed and fallen.

And there is it. My body wishes to continue, to live and move on and my mind wants to obliterate, cease and stop. How cruel life is that just as I am able to reconcile the differences between mind and body and consume my final pharmaceutical cocktail, that mind hands over control and closes down leaving the the body to finalize what it is hard-wired to continue.

I am a son, a brother, an uncle, a colleague, a neighbor and friend. All this wonder in my life, all these opportunities to connect with others in an intrinsic and meaningful way. Yet, I feel absolutely disconnected, alone, miserable and guilty that I exist

Good luck y'all. We need it. As the population of the world explodes and our resources diminish, I wonder how large the ranks of 'hatingme' will grow



kaylaaa
1363 days ago
hi im kayla, i was bored and i just wrote in "i want to " and die came up, first this made me sad because thats now a top looked up thing. then i came across this. im still crying right now and i made an account just so i could talk on this.

please, i dont know if your alive or if youve just let this memory go, but please please just write on this. it can even just be a dot. please

. copy and paste that one i dont know im desperate for you to reply this is the most touching series of comments ive ever seen on the internet and im crying for you even though to me your a stranger. please reply

i love you xx



s_marshall15
1298 days ago
kaylaaa- It makes me sad too, that this was a most commonly searched topic and if anyone just wants to talk and get another opinion then add me. I made this account just because of these posts im reading. Because you've had a bad life or one you have not wished for, thats just how life is. Its hard and different for everyone. I find talking helps almost everyone who is stressed and feeling like this. If you're suisidal and have nothing to lose then give me a chance.

you are all loved and you might effect someones life without knowing it.

my email is marshall.siera@yahoo.com



sun765
1362 days ago
I may be flamed to no end for posting this. If that's the case, well, I'm sorry. I feel being informed is much more important than being ignorant. I would rather have someone know where to cut if it's truly their intent than to have them fail and be forced into unwanted institutionalization. I would also rather have someone who doesn't want to die know where NOT to cut in their bid for help. Yes, there are upsides and downsides to it all. Information isn't to blame, it's how it's used. If someone is able to feel for a heart attack victim's pulse properly as a result of this, then wonderful. If someone is able to kill themselves as a result of this, then I am disheartened that someone would be distraught enough to consider such an act, though I find comfort in the knowledge they are not suffering with such any longer.



Equate
1353 days ago
sun765, yuk! This may sound weird, but when I feel suicidal I look at photos of suicide victims. After looking at those pictures, I try and convince myself that I would not want my loved ones to find my corpse in that condition.



Me_Too
1352 days ago
i'm new here. i want to commit suicide too.



lunamoon
1334 days ago
so many people I know do!!! Even people one would thing are happy people. Life however beautiful on many levels is difficult.



hyperguy222
1339 days ago
go to God....



nohopeever
833 days ago
I have for 22 yrs now. it gets worse everytime i get to this point! Bad enough this time that I came here to find "real answers" on how to!



lunamoon
1334 days ago
so do i



qs_corner
1328 days ago
Anyone contemplating suicide, please don't do it!



qs_corner
1328 days ago
Please don't do it, there is hope. NO ONE is a hopeless cause.



unohoo
1324 days ago
Yes, I AM a hopeless cause because you won't even talk to me. I hate my life without you. I cannot go on like this Q.



s_marshall15
1298 days ago
agreed.



Iwant2die
1322 days ago
I am also looking for ways to Kill myself, thats when i google i want to die. I really like all the comments except from that DOIT guy, man, you suck.

Thing is ive heard about the whole theres more to life than you think thing for a while. Ive talked to people and all but the truth is, even after i understand about my life and my loved ones, i still want to Die. Ive been sad for so long that i forgot what it felt like to be happy, no one around me understands my pain, ive been acustomed to fake smiles and all. Am from Africa and being in a thirdworld country, life is kinda harder to get by for people like me. Am 21, and i have a great job as a comic book Artist, i have accomplished alot for someone my Age but the lonliness i feel is unbearable. I have a loving family but am distand from the Emotionaly so they have no idea what am planing to do. I realy hate my life and i hate the world around me, i have been thinking about this for so long that ive come to realize that people are not the same at all. I mean to some people, i have nothing to complain about but to me, life is just not worth it. I wish i had someone to live for but thats just it, theres no one, and i cant live for myself. I cant find love, i cant find happiness, so whats the use? I actually feel better now that i chose to Die.

Hahaha, i didnt post this to get sympathy or attention from any one, i just enjoyed reading your comments and i registerd to be part of it. in someway i was glad to see that am not the only one who longs for the sweet release of Death, and i respect all your views except the DOIT guy, man, Scrw u!

I still cant find a good, fast painless way to do it, plus i dont want to leave my corpse in my apartment for my roomate to find, so defntly not the wrist thing, i also dont want to splatter on some pavement so am thinking of jumping off a bridge, hit the water and drown since i cant swim but i just cant find a good brige. hahaha, funny how it can be so damn hard to kill yourself when others try so hard not to get killed.

I dont believe in God so am hoping to either reincarnate to a better life or come back one of the characters ive fantisized about and drawn all my life. Hahaha, am really quit curious whats beyond, i hope its something cooler than my life cuz i hate it.

And if anyone wants to Die to and would like to be friends for the little time we have left, my email is ericmuthoga@gmail.com



SilentNoise
1321 days ago
Hi everyone,

I'm not too sure how i want to word what it is i want to say but, ever since i was about 10 i wanted to move to Japan and live my life there even tho iv never been there before and didn't know Japanese, but life just seems better there from what i watched in anime's.

when i was about 15 i started to hate my life and myself, my family and where i am, i thought about dieing alot then, i wont bore you all with why.

I'm the kind of guy who likes to do stuff with his friends, but i also like video games, anime and movies...

but its gotten to the point where everything bores me, theres only 4 or 5 friends i talk to now because the others idea of a good time is getting so drunk u forget everything.

I'm 21 years old now never been to Japan and don't speak Japanese but still want to move there more then ever before, and now i'm on the edge i think about ending my life just about every day now. the life i wanted is long gone and i did some research the way i see it it will take about 5-6 years to get there. and even then it wouldn't be the life i wanted.

My idea of a perfect life is to be happily married with a wife that loves me for me, and a child by the time im about 25-35 so i'm young enough to enjoy it to its fullest. i guess thats hard when u hate yourself tho.

No one knows any of this about me, and you would have to know me and the bad luck iv had to understand but its not so bad, at least when i die there wont be any sadness. hmmmm i dont even know why im saying this i know none of you and i never will, my mind is kinda made up and no-one can stop it.

...not like it matters but iv decided to do it when the family goes on holidays again without me next year in march. bye everyone



Scarrzz
1316 days ago
I've wanted to die for about three years now. I take risks like driving my motorcycle at 200mph ( not exaggerating, it's a Hayabusa. ) and every other thrill-seeking behavior I can afford trying to feel alive.

I've been married for 20 years and the marriage was based on faith and hope. I always hoped for her to open up & want me.

It just isn't in her.

I finally gave up & looked to another, who used me & deserted me because I didn't protect her from us going too far in the relationship (it got physical - once.)

I would have divorced and remarried, but now I'm in limbo. My love is always unwanted even though I get an 8 on the "Hot or Not" site, so I'm not awful looking.

I'm chivalrous whenever possible, not a wimp, and used to be very patient, too much so I think.

But I care about the people that do truly care about me and that's why I haven't ended the pain of breathing with no soul and no feeling of love inside.

I gave it all away to someone who immediately discarded it - and me.

So, live in pain for the sake of the ones who care about you is my honest decision, but if I WERE to get past the point of being able to stand it any more, I would gather all the money I could find, help someone with half of it, and take a trip with the other half. At the (my) end, I would find a very very tall place and swan dive head-first into concrete.

The irony is that if you haven't accepted God's forgiveness, you would just keep going until you wound up in Hell, which will not be painless at all.

That seems pretty painless and quick to me, except of course if Hell is real. In that case there is no painless way.



certain
1306 days ago
Please please please please please I want to die.



bobbert
1305 days ago
I tried to kill myself on nov 12th. I drank engine coolant. Had I not been found, my kidneys would have shut down. six weeks of dialysis and about four thousand dollars later i'm 100% healthy. I still feel that death would be the easiest way to keep my head from thinking. I'm not afraid of dying. i'm afraid of hell. Will my bullshit ever get any better? i'm not sure, but i'm pretty sure death isn't the answer.



iamnothing
1304 days ago
iam nothing therefore i want to die .i got this feeling when for 3 times i was abandoned .i loved 3 tmes but in each time the person i loved let me down and left me alone ,this lonliness is unbearable and every day i get a new reason to die.iam dying everyday bcoz lonliness kills me every minute.when i need to talk i find no one and i begin to cry but no one cares. i used to smile ,to laugh to hide my pain and my suffering. iam living in a country in which the only way to have a companion in life is to get married and to find some one to marry is difficalt especially for me since iam over thirty. I want to die to get rid of lonliness ,my pain is so deep that i forgot the meaning of happiness.



HowLowCanIGo
1300 days ago
I've never posted on a site like this, but when I typed in "I wish I could die" in a google search this came up. I started reading through all the posts from a year ago thru today. 1988-1998 I had multiple suicide attempts, some not as serious as others. Each time I was found I cursed the person or persons who found me. Each time I resolved deeper within myself that the next time (once I got released from the "legal hold") would be THE time. I never gave up hope that I would die, on my terms. Now, 12+ years later, I still battle the feelings but no longer the actions. I was one of those stereotypical abused kids (Catholic camp counselors decided it was 2 for 1 night with me) and I could write a book on stereotypical self-destructive behavior over the next multiple years. I can say, today, I do not like life. I do not feel the way I hear others talk about feeling inside. A part of me died long ago never to be found again. I often feel separate from the rest of the world and like I carry a nasty secret...that I hate being alive. When faced with dying, I never felt bad for myself or for others as I truly believed they would be better off without me. Not any more...I know now that whatever I feel, or don't feel, inside...my actions would directly hurt many and more so than I ever realized. Even professionals who reached out to me, only to be slapped away, would feel some impact as though they had failed me. I am a successful career person with a family who loves me. None of what I feel has anything to do with what is real today, it's all what was programmed long ago. So, no...I do not want to live, but I will. I will continue to live for those known and unknown to me who do care about me. I will never, ever intentionally hurt someone else and if I killed myself, it would do just that. I'm not religious but I believe in heaven and hell and I believe I'd be accountable somewhere for hurting others. PS so you know how serious I was, look up Washington State lawsuits re: right to life/death. I fought the courts for my right to die in 1996. I lost, but I tried! I'm glad now that I lost because I might have cleared the legal way for others to take their lives. Yeah, I know the court can't stop you, but I also know when you are in a little cell room with a bed bolted to the floor and bare essentials so you cannot hang yourself, a camera watching 24/7 and absolutely no privacy...well, the court and state can stop you then. So I'm rambling but I had a rough day, found this and here it is ... live, even if you don't want to - it does matter to someone even if you don't know them....



nursetigrr
1292 days ago
I don't know how old any of you are..I'm an adult...late 40's. I've lived the part of my life I needed to live..and things are no better today then they were 20 or 30 or 40 years ago. Who do you talk to when the thought of talking to anyone about anything terrifies you. i get physically ill, when my phone rings. i am tired...tired of the loneliness, hurt and feeling sorry for myself. there has to be a quick painless way. there should be some legal way to arrange for your own death if you want to die.. a way to even arrange for someone to come and clean up at specific time so your family doesn't have to deal with it. i'm trying to come up with the courage to do it any way...but face it..obviously i'm a coward, so i need something painless. at least quick. you guys are great people and gave people some great advice. you should be proud of yourselves. someone out there must know the answer for me...



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
the fact that you admit you are a coward... it means youre brave. you're brave enough to cling to life. maybe things will get better?

(im not belittleing your feelings. i tried to kill myself yesterday, and plan to try again. i just dont want other people hurting.)



certain
1292 days ago
Hello nursetigrr,

I’ve been looking for a swift and painless way to go for many years. In all this time I’ve found nothing. It’s so unfair. I think I may have to ask you, that is if you find something first.



kateline
1291 days ago
I want to die.But I want God takes me to himself.Suicides go to hell.they will never find peace.Their soul will be unrestfulness and will suffer whole eternity.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1290 days ago
I want to die. I was molested, I have no friends, The love of my life doesnt want to be with me, i ruin everything, and the world would be better off without me. sun 765, thanks for the help. i think i might do it...



XxdiexforxyouxX
1290 days ago
It didn't work... I tried and failed... I can't even do that right...



certain
1290 days ago
XxdiexforxyouxX I'm contemplating hanging myself but I'm too much of a coward. I don't know what to do or where to go.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
@Certian Why?



certain
1289 days ago
All I have is the space in my closet. Because it's so low, I will have to rely on suffocating rather than breaking my neck. There is a ladder like structure in my backyard that I could hang from, but it's too public. If worse comes to worse I'll have to suck it up and get on with it.



certain
1289 days ago
@ XxdiexforxyouxX. So sorry, forgot to ask. How are you after everything?



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
well my arm is numb, im dizzy, and im more depressed than ever. the guy i love cut me out of his life because he thinks the suicide attempt was an attention seeking ploy... but it wasnt.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
Im sorry. Why do you want to die? (not trying to be nosy)



certain
1289 days ago
I've wanted to die for over 20 years now. It will never change for me. I don't want this life.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
im sorry . why hanging? arent there easier ways?



certain
1289 days ago
Are you going to a hospital?



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
no. tonight i plan to try again. i dont want to live. im sixteen... and im tired of being used. ive been cutting since i was twelve, and now ive lost the last person i was living for. the hospital is the last place i would go.



certain
1289 days ago
OH MY GOD! You're sixteen. You shouldn't be on this site. I will not condone this. CALL A SUICIDE HOTLINE RIGHT NOW! Call someone please.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
so because im young, i cant die?

why is it okay for you, but not for me?



certain
1289 days ago
Please, please, please, please talk to someone.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
ive wanted to die for the past four years. i have a right to be here.



certain
1289 days ago
Here's a link to where you can find suicide hotlines from across the nation. http://suicidehotlines.com/



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
thank you, but i dont want help.

how would you feel if i was telling YOU to get help?



certain
1289 days ago
I'm sorry but you can't do this. I do not believe in God or heaven or hell. However I do think it is immoral for a child or a parent who has children (17 years and under) to commit suicide.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
whatever. i came to this site for support, not a lecture... and im not a child.



certain
1289 days ago
Sorry



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
but thank you for caring.



certain
1289 days ago
Take care of yourself.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1289 days ago
You too



illy
1289 days ago
I once felt the same as you, i was with my girlfriend for over 4 years and we ended up doing terrible things to get back at eachother, i once wanted to kill myself and have come close a couple of times but as so many people on this site have said, just before i finish the job so to speak i think about my family and how the effectg it would have on them, if you have a family dieforeyou, think of them please.

Also think about what your doing and why your doing it, you say it is because of your ex boyfriend but is he really worth this pain? I am not be-littleing your feelings at all, like i said i was in the same position but i came through because in the end i realised how much there was left here for me, it is such a cliche but time will heal your broken heart, its been 6 months since my ex left me but i can already feel myself recovering. Have faith in yourself. If you wont take my word for it, atleast give it atry. Live with that pain for abit longer and i know you will see it for yourself, remember, things only seem distant from a distance. Stay well, take care and keep at it.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1288 days ago
what if this person was my soulmate?



certain
1288 days ago
@ XxdiexforxyouxX This person is not your soul mate. The fact that this person thinks your suicide attempt is a ploy tells me he’s a fucktard. That is not the narrative. That is not how depression works. How could a person look into the eyes of someone they love someone who’s in pain and dismiss that pain? So many of us carry huge weights on our back, shit that doesn’t belong to us, The fact that this guy revealed himself to be an asshole should be your opportunity to release him, breath a little bit deeper, and walk a little bit lighter.

I know you mentioned that you were molested. That is not something to be taken lightly. There is a saying “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” Don’t let this piece of shit do this to you. You have to stay and fight for justice. You deserve peace.

Again I’m so sorry if I came off as dismissive to you in earlier postings. I know your pain is very real. It’s just that I didn’t know you were 16. The thought of me discussing suicide with you disturbed me. I don’t know you but my guess is that you are a fundamentally decent human being.



AshenPhoenix
1288 days ago
@XxdiexforxyouxX: I believe in soulmates also, and I have struggled with how to live without the woman who doesn't want me anymore. However, I also have to believe that, when fate doesn't turn out right in this lifetime, we can pick up the pieces and try to find the next best answer (and I do not mean suicide). I am trying to just put one foot in front of the other, right now - what can I do to help you do the same?



XxdiexforxyouxX
1287 days ago
@certian-thank you. but i really do beleive this guy is my soulmate, even though hes controlling and he doesnt beleive me... I just cant handle him thinking i faked it... and failing just made me want to try again.

@AshenPhoenix- i just need to know that theres some hope... and i cant seem to find any.



AshenPhoenix
1286 days ago
Let me try a metaphor. Let's say that you were in the forest taking a hike and you lost your car keys somewhere along the path (admittedly, I don't know if you drive). Common actions would be to keep looking for them (which is what you and I are doing, haunted as we are by the past), to go to the ranger station for aid (seeing a therapist), or to give up and walk home (moving on to other people). However, one doesn't destroy the car.

I don't know if there's hope - life stopped making sense to me a long time ago. However, I do know that if you take your life, you'll never be with him. If you remain alive, there's still a chance of reconciliation - and there's a chance that you'll realize that you mistook other feelings as true love. I made the mistake when I was 18, and it took meeting my true soulmate to realize my mistake. (Though, please understand that I am not saying he's not your soulmate either - I cannot say one way or the other.)

Obviously, I found my way here also, so I too must have entered the phrase "I want to die" into Google. Let's keep walking the path, you and I - I will not desert you if you do not abandon me.



imaohw69
1286 days ago
@XxdiexforxyouxX: Please ignore all the mistakes I'm going to make while writing this post, as English is not my first language.

I'll be honest, I won't lie a word.

I read your posts, among the other and when I saw that you're 16, I had to make an answer. Not because you're young, it doesn't mean anything, but because your story is similar as mine was.

I'm 24 now, but when I was 16 my life was really like a fairy tale. I had a lot of friends, I played football, I was pretty popular and people really liked me. I fell in love with a girl from my class. We were together for 3 years, in a relationship, in an open relationship, we broke up and started again many times, whatever she wanted. I was sure I found my soulmate, I felt we were just meant to be together. By the time I found out that all the time she was cheating on me, not with a guy, but with more then 100 guys, literally. She even had a list with thier names. I started to think that she's a whore, slut and other bad things about her, but I stayed with her anyway as I thought we were meant to be together. I was a loser, but I couldn't help it. One day we broke up again, and at that time I didn't know it will be for good. She carried on, with her list of guys, and I fell in depression. Through the time, that depression became worse and my life completely lost sense. All I felt was just pain, fear and emptiness. I was hopeless. I hated myself. Now when I look back, I can only remember the feeling that I wanted to die so bad. It lasted for years.

I closed myself in my room, and detached from all of my friends, from football, from everything I used to do.

And when I was alone and didn't have to listen to other people babbling about shit (they never speak about something smart), I started thinking about myself. When I took all that time I wasted on things that just entertained me (didn't make me happy, just made me not think, like going out and getting drunk and other stupid things I used to do that I thought were cool), and when I gave all that time to myself, I learned so much about myself.

I realized that all my life I was doing everything what people expected me to do. I would do things that I didn't want to do, just not to get in conflict with someone who was "important". I tried to be a role model, but actually all the time I was affraid to be myself.

I learned to love myself. Now, I don't have many friends, as I realized that they were never really my friends. I don't go out, because I don't like to go out. I have a small group of friends that I like to hang around with. The girl that I loved, wasn't my soulmate, and I still do believe in soulmates. I didn't see her for 4 years and we met accidentaly a year ago. She called me out and I went out with her. I was thinking before that if it ever happens, I would be with her again. But when it really happened, I realized that she was never the one. I don't hate her and I don't think that she's a slut. Everyone has a choice to do with their life whatever they like. I'm grateful to her because she helped me to see the world with different eyes.

People that "loved me" before now think that I'm insane, but I don't care anymore. They still don't get it.

Now I don't think that I was a loser before. I still am, but now I know that I am a winner and a loser. We all are. Today my life is not like in movies (you know: and they lived happily ever after). I still feel bad sometimes, even more often than good. But now I love that feeling. If life were always nice and happy that would be dull. I would commit a suicide right away.

Everything is in balance. Good and bad love and hate each other. There's a cost for everything we gain.

I'm not religious. Even today I hate every religion. I don't beleive in their killer god, which we all should be affraid of. But I do believe in God, whatever he/she/it is. And I still am not sure does anything have purpose or sense, but I got that gift: life, and I don't know why I got it, but I'm happy because today I will learn more about it. I will die one day anyway. For some reason I'm here. I don't know where I came from, why I'm here, or where I'm going. Seeking that fulfills me, and in weird way it makes sense.

I can't make you not kill yourself, when I wanted to kill myself no one could make me not do it. I just want to tell you that you're not alone in this, many people feel the same, and I promise you that there is hope, but you have to be the one who will give hope a chance.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1285 days ago
AshenPhoenix thank you, that helps alot. and theres good news. my best friend, who my ex forbid me to talk to, asked me out. and while i do love him, it isnt the way i love the ex i tried to die for. but its helping me feel loveable.

imaohw69 thanks. im sorry you had to go through that, but since youre still here i guess you found a way to cope, which gives me hope that i might find a way too.



AshenPhoenix
1285 days ago
I'm glad it helps. Try to not go too fast with the friend - you want to be careful of rebounding and compounding your problems with further issues.

I'll admit - I get a little nervous when it takes you a while to reply. I am glad you're well. Hope for one of us is hope for us all.

And never doubt that you're worth loving. I know that standard psych talk is to preach loving oneself, but I also recognize, as I suspect you do, that external validation of any feeling is needed. That having been said, you've got people who care about you (your friend, if nothing else). If you'd succeeded in committing suicide, you wouldn't have the chance to go on that date.

It's not all rainbows and sunshine, but you can keep walking, one step at a time (and at this point I'm not necessarily talking strictly to you, XxdiexforxyouxX, but rather addressing anyone who wanders by in their darkest hour).



dislocatedcajun
1284 days ago
HatingMe,

WHY do you HATE YOURSELF? Have you done something That you have been carrying in your very soul that you are having difficulty talking to someone about? I have carried so many things wihtin myself that I TOO have not only given serious thought to, but on three occasions I did something about it. I Battle Serious Depression Everyday. I think I HATE the depression more than I hate myself. I wake up telling myself that 'I will acomplish today. I will NOT sit in this chair and sleep my day away. I will get out of this chair and at least brush my teeth. Then something horrible, deep inside me answers. You will NOT move,You have NO Purpose, YOu messed up your life, You are worthless to everyoe. I am always sick. I fell down a flight of stairs (I don't remember any thing about it, but I do know I thought about it for days and then two months later I wake up in a hospital. I tried to get out of the bed and fell on the florr, I could not walk, I had casts on my arms, my chest hurt, eery thing about me hurt. I am told that I lay in a coma for a few weeks, due to a brain bleed. I am told that my husand was told that I probably would not live. BUt I DID. Now, and because of the NASTY CRUEL DEPRESSION that CONTROLS my very being, that I fight with constantly, I CANNOT DO the thins that I could. I HURT ALWAYS. I have had 27 surgeries in 3.5 years, Doctors trying to correct my body enough so that I can do primary functions, like brush my teeth. I HURT to move. It hurst to walk, but it also hurst to sit. But I continue to fight with this MISERABLE DEPRESSION EVERYDAY! I think about everything that I DID ACCOMPLISH. I DID some pretty reamrkable things in my life AND I KNOW that I WANT TO CONTINUE DOING REMARKABLE THINGS IN MY LIFE. I am smart and can do almost everything I set my mind to, UNLESS this STUPID DEPRESSION moves in and takes over. Yesterday I FOUGH BACK. YESTERDAY I called the closest mental Health center and I went to talk with them. ISTUPID DEPRESSION DId NOT WANT ME TO GO. STUPDI DEPRESSION kept coming up with reason WHY I SHOULD NOT WALK out of my front door.I hashed and rehashed the reasons I should just call and tell them I could not make it. Finally and with not s minute to spare, I walked out my front door, got into my car and drove to the clinic. WHen I walked into the front door, I felt foolish for being there. "For God's Sake Girl WHAt ARE YOU DOING HERE"? You know your husband's family is going to talk about you again because you are seeing a Pshychiatrist(sp?) AGAIN. I kept teklling myself to walk right out that door, get back in the car, drive home and get in your chair; under a blanket. BUt I did not leave, I stayed, even though I really did not want to. I knew that if someone began asking me questions I was going to blurt out everything I was feeling and I DO NOT WANT TO SHARTE my FEELINGS. I am ashmaed of them. I am 57 years old. I reasoned that before medical science became involved, NO ONE LIVED to be my age. I should be dying now, I am finshed with life, there is notthing for me to do or nothing that I need to accomplish. I am simply in the way. My hsuband takes care of me, especially on days that my joints will not let me move. I suppose what I am making am effort to tell you and everyone else that is thinking like you and I are, is, TALK to a professional. EVEN if you have to fight with your self to get there. MAKE your depressed counterpart go with you. TALKING HELPS, even you have have done something your are so ashamed of, you don't wan to expose that side of your self now. Just Start Talking and things will come out of your mouth that you NEVER wanted anyone to hear. The end result is, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER, confused some, not all rosy and cheery, but it is a beginning. I have not checked where you live, but google mental health clinics and fnd the closest one and go. You DO NOTY have to make an appointmtnent in some cases. And I tin your case Qualifies you to just walk into the front door and tell someone I NED TO TALK NOW, before it is too late. You will be amazed at yourself. I will check back with youlater, say about 3:00 this after noon.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1284 days ago
@AshenPhoenix the thing is, i know that when the happiness of feeling loved wears off, ill feel broken again and ill be back in the tub with my razor...



AshenPhoenix
1284 days ago
@XxdiexforxyouxX - First, try to live in this moment of happiness, rather than focus on future misfortune. Then, when misfortune does arrive again, try remembering that happiness came once more - just keep taking one step at a time along that path.

May I ask what sort of diet you have?



Ussnar
1284 days ago
I have had enough. A birthday is near and I have been a compete F*** up all my life. Chronic depression and I think I might even have Personalty Disorder case after 40 yrs nothing ever goes right for me. I have been self medicating on painkillers and red wie fr god knows how ong and I have just had a major manic episode where I have abused the lovbe and friendship of the only person in thw world who has ever done anything for me. I have been a fool and I cant do it anymore. The count down is on,



XxdiexforxyouxX
1283 days ago
@AshenPhoenix when i do eat,its rice, diet soda, baked potatoes. healthy stuff. Why?

@Ussnar im sorry to hear that. but wont this person forgive you?



AshenPhoenix
1283 days ago
@XxdiexforxyouxX: I'll precede this with, "I am not a dietician or doctor," but I believe that certain foods affect brain chemistry. What you describe is very colorless - you might want to consider adding some colorful vegetables (notably green vegetables like broccoli or spinach, although I've heard it said that the healthiest vegetable servings looks like a rainbow). You might also want to add some beans (soy or black) as a protein source. Finally, if you're not vegetarian, you might want to add some fish to your diet. Of course, these may all be urban legends (and I'd appreciate any actual dieticians or doctors weighing in), but I've heard that they help. One thing to note - vitamins from a bottle don't absorb as well into the body. It's much better to get them in food.

@Ussnar: Try talking to your friend - let them know that you regret what you did, and ask them frankly what they think you need to do. The outside opinion of someone who is close to you may give you better context as to how you're behaving. You are capable of changing, even now. Also, you might want to consider a therapist, or possibly rehab for the pills and alcohol. It sounds like you're relying on them too much for mood control, and you may want to see if you can explore healthier means. I don't know you, so I can't say if you are a good person, but I know that good people can do bad things - try to live by that as you seek out the help you need. If you want to come back and talk about it, we'll be here.



XxdiexforxyouxX
1282 days ago
there goes my happy... hes cheating on me again...



AshenPhoenix
1282 days ago
@XxdiexforxyouxX: I thought that he was en ex-boyfriend right now? It sucks and is painful to see an ex with another person, but technically he's not cheating if he's an ex. Or did you mean the friend is cheating on your (and, if so, had you determined that you were going to be exclusive at this point)?



XxdiexforxyouxX
1281 days ago
yeah the guy i got back with... and we are always exclusive. and he says he wasnt... and gosh im confuzed... but i think maybe i dont want to die as much...



AshenPhoenix
1281 days ago
I fear I'm completely confused as well. You'd previously referred to him as an ex - did you get back together with him after you mentioned trying a date with a friend? And did he say that he wasn't cheating, or wasn't exclusive?

(I apologize to everyone for cluttering up the thread, by the way - if there were another way to ask these questions more privately, I would do so.)

In any event, not wanting to die is a good step, and hopefully you can carry that with you the next time you hit a rough patch - sometimes it just takes time to understand everything that's happening. And, sometimes, all you need is a bit of perspective shift.



elma2011
1280 days ago
hi every one.. i read all coments and about everuone they asking how to end they life easy and fast..

its sad if u all feel that way ,no answer why.



AshenPhoenix
1280 days ago
I've thought about those suicide methods. While tall buildings seems like it would be quick...well, what if it's not? Or what if you feel the blinding pain as you die? Or, what if you're one of those rare folks who survives the fall? There's too many complications that can arise from that.

Slitting wrists is also not a sure thing. You hear about lots of people that survived. Between the fact that most people don't know how to do it in the first place, that doing it properly is difficult to do as you're beginning to lose consciousness, and that the body is designed to heal cuts pretty efficiently, and you have a less-than-sure means of suicide. We've got a few survivors of that method in this thread.

Pills also don't work well. The body rejects anything which feels like it may be killing it, and so you often end up with vomiting and other effects which end up rendering the suicide attempt unsuccessful.

I know someone who tried a shotgun in the mouth, as well. In his case, he didn't succeed. However, he was rendered permanently blind and disfigured by his attempt. He's had to live with his father for the rest of his life, though he has found reasons to live in the interim.

I suppose what I'm getting at is that, for me, the idea of a failed suicide attempt is terrifying. You may end up crippling yourself, which will only further cause problems. If you fail, you'll have people scrutinizing your life far more closely than you'd like, in case you're inspired to try again (and, for those who'd like attention, it's not a good sort of attention at all - from my brief suicide watch at a hospital, I would not care to be considered a long-term suicide risk). Finally, the people you'd hope to get attention from will not care, and may distance themselves further - modern-day society dictates working toward self-happiness, and for most people that translates into avoiding such entanglements.

Yes, I am bitter. I feel abandoned by the world, and most of all from the woman I love. I will not attempt suicide - but that doesn't mean that I appreciate life, either.



elma2011
1279 days ago
i hope no one gonna do it,but if u get on very high building u just cant get wrong.all this wrists or pills its for people they wanna live they looking for help,so they all have a chance,mostly all ya young people that u still have all life ahead and u still can chose how to live,and still find love have family travel,if all this doesnt work i understand but how u can know u dont wanna live if u didnt live yet real life.

i understand after u were strugling wit life,or lose some one u love its hard mostly if u not 20.i think to lose some one u really love its the most painfull like partner,kid,parents.and love lost of love its hard and unfair and bad there is reali nothing to say to make person feel better,only wait and cry and wait.they say time will heal,well its truth it ll but how long?and it ll really heal or u just have to get used to it and force ur self.



AshenPhoenix
1278 days ago
Falling a long distance is no guarantee:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alan_Magee

There's a few others who have fallen from planes as well, though those either fell into snow or have had the occurrence questioned. Anyways, the point is that it can go wrong, as can any suicide attempt - and the consequences can be horrible.

Plus...there's something in me which worries about what happens after death. Not in a heaven/hell punishment sort of way, but if there is a soul which lasts beyond death, does the immense pain of that last moment echo throughout eternity?



elma2011
1276 days ago
so i agree about worries what its after



rachelmaya
1276 days ago
hi all, i've just read all of this. i'm not sure if hatingme is still alive because he stopped answering, but i hope so. XxdiexforxyouxX- I'm also 16, and I think I can relate to you just because we're the same age and I know similar struggles. My grandma is a prescription medication addict, along with my dad, mom, and sister [although, her not as much.] my mom suffers from severe depression because of all of it. I've been overweight for most of my life and that only adds to my depression, along with everything else. I've had to move twice, and I know that isn't alot but it's all because my dad would take too much medication, and then the job would fire him and we'd have to go somewhere else. my sister is now 18, she dropped out of highschool two years ago and is now in a band and they're extremely successful so far, but it's been hard with her because she'll commit suicide if she isn't "famous" in a few years, and i'd want to die if my closest companion took her life. By the way, I do not believe in ANY religion or God or Jesus, so i would appreciate it if everyone would refrain from tell me to find god or talking about hell or something like that. I don't want this to be one big sob story, i just want you guys to know my background a little. i looked up on google "i want to die" because it's how i'm feeling now, but i don't think i'd ever kill myself. i just need support, I guess, and I want to talk to people who are contemplating suicide because I'd like to give advice.



elma2011
1275 days ago
hey, i just wanna tell u and all 16 teens,that u just too young to waste time thinking about end ur lifes!!!

im sorry but what do u wanna end up if u still didnt live ur life at all!

few years ago u were baby u just starting ur life now and all what is waiting for u out there..u dont know how ur life can change can turn to be amazing,or strainge or something.

about ur sister all we when we were teens was thinking same omg if i wont be there or this i ll kill my self,i know in this time she mean it for real but all will change. this is just hormons talking u changing from kid to adult and it ll take few years to have no this feelings.

so live a life and try dont get in to troubles,like drugs,or get pregnant,or crime cuz those things ll make u feel like u wanna die in future..

good luck



XxdiexforxyouxX
1271 days ago
@rachelmaya im sorry



AshenPhoenix
1271 days ago
I think this answer has gotten so long that it's crashing the web server or associated database server. I usually see a memory error appear when I try to visit.

I'd suggest that folks try to move their various discussions over to the forums (yes, this place has forums...I didn't realize it at first either). There's a depression forum here:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=6

@rachelmaya: Things sound rough for you, and I suspect for your sister as well (I worry that even if she does make it she'll become one of those artists who'll try to commit suicide when they find that fame is not as fulfilling as they'd hope). Can you tell us anything in your life that makes you happy (preferably in the forums, so that we can avoid breaking their poor servers more than we have to)?

@XxdiexforxyouxX: How are you doing at this point (once again - it's probably better to answer on the forum, just so we don't break their server)?



Toomuch
1266 days ago
So this thread has been very interesting....I would love to die right now...wish there was an easy way...& that I wouldn't hurt my family



emo
1242 days ago
Show / Hide



nohopeever
833 days ago
gee, i would love to go travel but part of the reason i want to die is I can't affiord to go down the damg road or EVER do anything!!!!!



imaohw69
1226 days ago
for everyone who's thinking of commiting a suicide, listen to this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPXw2xgDWqU

this and other john frusciante's songs are the only reason i'm still alive, maybe it can help you too.



sprayray
1198 days ago
my husband left me today... im 16 about to be 17. in august we will be married 1 year. he told me that he would make me a deal, he said he is going to leave for a few days and that im not allowed to leave till he gets back . he said that when he gets back he will know his final answer. im not trying to be all stupid and shit but i dont imagine myself without him. ive tried to commit suicide once before for the same reason when we were dating but my mom was the reason for us splitting up. this time it is cause he said he doesnt love me anymore. i need some good advice and not some bullshit like leave him cause of our ages. i love him very much and i want to be a good wife. hes 21 and just had his 21st bday so our ages arent that far apart so if anyone wants to give me advice please leave our ages out of the situation.



LunarPanther
1187 days ago
Show / Hide



RJM1963
978 days ago
Uh, if you all hadn't been so busy talking about YOURSELVES, you might have noticed that the original poster "hatingme" is GONE now. Moderator edit_



tostupid
853 days ago
sry to throw my 2 cents in .. but i found this cause i feal like it too .. yes as mod said get off your selvs .. an dont throw god and jesus at peeps .. their the main reason i wanna die .. fucking lies pounded into our heads from kids .. .. ya i hate me too . *moderator edit*



Pangea
847 days ago
At one point years ago i would tell you all the great reasons not to kill yourself, but since life happened.If you find out the answer, be sure to send it my way before you go. See ya on the other side



lostinhell
806 days ago
Wow. This is all such a joke. Do you really think strangers care about you? Amazing. I am almost 60. Life is too much of a struggle every day and for nothing. Every day, all day, every year. . and it just keeps going. There is NO point to any of it other than to keep struggling. Really? Why? Few people care and the one that does cant help. Finally figured out that NO ONE can help (yes done it and tried it all repeatedly). Life is such a cruel joke.



SadDad
789 days ago
Right now I really feel what you are saying. I'm just about half your age and it's scary to hear what your saying. It confirms all the reasons I want to die. I've felt this way since 14, now mid-30's. I'm just tired of it. Everytime I think of my daughter it just hurts so bad. I love her so much. I'd be so sorry.