Avatar Posted by want2bwhole 197 days ago (Question)
I'm still haunted by my past sometimes and there is a sense of panic or uneasiness, i want to get my peace back. I used to date this guy who turns out to be psycho, it was 10 yrs back and up till today I'm still feeling the repercussion. He acted weird, he would say somethings that were weird that he would kill his brother in his dream coz he was tryin to get close to me and he was so happy to be with me. We would get into fight, I'm not sure why but i remember i was so miserable then. When he's upset he would either hit himself (causing me to panic, until now) or go to kitchen and grab a knife as if he would kill himself. I felt it was like an indirect threat. I would feel guilty it was my fault coz nothing like that has happened to me, and he blamed me too stating that he never behaved like that before that I 'drove' him to do that. He said I was the one at fault, I should not behave this way or that. He would be constantly jealous, there was once when I invited him for dinner with a guy friend, he would fidget around and left without notice. Later on, he told me he was furious about me talking to the guy he walked by home by feet. And this happens so many times. He would get mad for no reason, and he always wanted to kill himself in front of me. He also told me that if he ever saw me talking to a guy that I was flirting, he would blame me, not the guy. When we fought, he would call me continously on the phone, once he showed up at my apt looking frantic coz I didnt want to pick up the phone. There is this uneasiness and panicky feelings that I want to get rid of. I want my peace back. He acted differently in front of his family. Once he showed up with wound on his head (after he hit himself) and when his family asked him he said something to defend me. He made it seemed like he was covering up my fault for him to not make me look bad. I was so confused and never did tell anyone. But it's still haunting me. Was it really my fault?? Am I a bad person for causing someone to want to hurt themselves? And worse still, his family blamed me for leaving him. They used to say I looked down on them coz my family is rich. I'm mad and I dont want to continue to feel bad about myself. Pls help, I feel i'm replaying the same symptoms to the guys im dating now coz I'm not recovered. I dont want to become the abuser due to my anger. What was his problem?


Answers

Written by bellacutie 196 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

you decribe what sounds like an extremely toxic relationship. He obviously was a very disturbed person and this was not you're fault. You didn't make him act like he did - it was his decision to make those choices. I think this was traumatic for you and you may need to talk it out with a therapist. It's possible you could be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but I'm not a doctor. You're right you do need to recover, otherwise you may end up in more unhealthy relationships.

This wasn't your fault at all and I think he was emotionally disturbed. Since you do feel stuck, then you should find a therapist to help you deal with the anger. Best of luck :)

Written by Edahn 196 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It sounds to me like he played a lot A LOT of manipulative games to get you to feel guilty so you were more amenable to his will. It also sounds like some of this guilt might have sunk in.

Imagine for a second that you were your mom, and you just finished explaining the whole situation. What kind of advice would you offer? How would you see the situation? Would you say "yes, it was your fault" or would you say something like "are you kidding? He was totally manipulative and controlling and you deserve a lot, lot more."

I think you're actually doing just fine and right on track. You're breaking out of the guilt and control-games he played and can see how this was HIS THING, NOT YOURS, and that having had this experience will make you wiser, not broken. That's how you'll slowly but surely recover your peace of mind. You're doing great.

Edahn

Written by want2bwhole 196 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you Edahn, but as a matter of fact, the only person i confided in was my mom. And what she did was blame me!!!! Can you believe that? I was so shaken at that time and all she did was blame me, saying it was my fault. I thought mothers (or parents) should be there to protect their kids, her actions made me even more confused and felt even more stuck. What is she telling me? That I do not deserve love? Why does she have to hurt me by putting me down? Does she not love me and care about my feelings? I have this lingering feeling that noone would come to my rescue and have my back when I'm harmed. It makes me feel unsafe and panicky.

Written by Edahn 196 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't know how she said it, or why. I don't think saying that you made a mistake means she doesn't love you or doesn't support you, absolutely. "Support" or "love" doesn't mean she needs to agree with everything you decide, but that she tries to guide you towards happiness. It's possible she really is trying to guide you by pointing out where you misstepped. Maybe, on the other hand, she is afraid of how your decision will affect your life. Maybe she's dealing with some of her OWN fears and issues. To be honest, I'm not there and don't know all the details, but these are really important things to consider before deciding that she's not supporting or loving you properly. This would be a good thing to bring up with HER, telling her, very sincerely, that you see the situation differently and would like to know that in the end, she's behind you and cares for you.

Even if it that conversation doesn't work the first time around, try and keep your composure. Find a safe place inside you that exists independent of your circumstances that doesn't require ANYTHING. Look inside!

:)

Written by Clyde 179 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree. I dont really think it was you causing him to hurt himself. I think it was more his idea to make it someone elses excuse, to take it off of him and how he was feeling.

Best,

Clyde


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