My 38 birthday is march 2 I do not want to live after that my life is worthless i have not accomplished anything in my life I feel like iam taking up space on this planet and that is all Iam good for Iam worthless fat and ugly and i do nothing but cause my family trouble and this is the only way i see the pain of being alone and the hatred i have for myself to end


Answers


bella
1644 days ago
I'm sorry you're in so much pain. You're being very hard on yourself and you don't deserve to be judged harshly. Even if you're doing nothing you still deserve to live. How long have you felt like this and are you under a doctors care? I know you're in pain and you want it to stop. I want you to be patient and lets figure out how to help you. If you're don't feel safe please call a loved one or 1-800-SUICIDE. I'll also give you a compassionate website to look at. Keep talking to us here and we care about you even if we don't know you. It won't always be this way so please hang in there - okay. :)

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/



gina1972
1644 days ago
A couple of days Yes iam under a doctors care I see him Monday



gina1972
1644 days ago
sorry i did not see the reply button



zanzivar
1644 days ago
Gina1972, I too set a date two years ago to commit suicide. I was going to go on the 23rd of May (my birthday)and I told my doctor this. He was great. He asked me questions so gently and told me that he would hate to see me go. I came away from that meeting feeling unsure about picking that date all the same and here I am two years later. While I still fantasise about planning my own death, those kind of days are falling away into the background. I think everyone fears their own death anyway and sometimes we think that if we plan it we have control over it.

First though we have to plan our own life. You are probably not long here so you have a long way to go. The very fact that you are alive is something you must treasure. Talk to yourself in a very special way and become your own best friend. Think of all the grand things you can do now as it is. You can see, hear, feel, eat, move around, smell and care about other people. That in itself is an awful lot of things to do.

Some people accomplish huge things in their lives in later years. You could be the same and are just going through a dull patch at the moment. Get a good therapist ( a sexy one like I have!) and have a great time with them. It is like going to a beauticians and hopefully you'll come away feeling great like I do.

Love Zanzivar.



gina1972
1644 days ago
thank you for this i apreciate it ty for listening



bella
1644 days ago
Hi Gina,

good to know you're still on- I had to go and pick up my daughter from school - she's on the skipping team and there was practice today. Unfortunatley me and Zanzivar shared a bond - we both lost our brothers to suicide, so we know the pain it brings family and friends.

Can you share a little of your history - how long you've suffered with depression - what's your official diagnosis(bipolar, MDD??), family situation(are you married?).

Just because you've given your family a hard time, they still want you around. Are you feeling more sad than usual because it's your birthday? You can say anything thing you want here - it's completely anonymous - that's the great thing. It's not very often you can talk so freely without judgement. So go ahead tell us all about yourself, we're here to listen. :) Hugs Bella



gina1972
1644 days ago
I am digniosed with borderline personality and major depression servere recurrent impulse control disorder and one person said bipolar but i doubt that one but the first 2 are the most recent within the last 3 ys suffered depression on and off since childhood but did not get help until i was 34 and started to cut yes maybe i feeling more sad because of my birthday I live with my mother aunt and uncle I have never held a job always quit I have two sisters one will not talk to me or let me see her kids for the last 2 yrs thank you for listening to me



bella
1644 days ago
I'm sorry you're having trouble with your sister. Are you on medication? In the forum section of psychcentral.com they a BPD forum and many other forums - you might want to take a look. The important thing to remember when you're feeling very sad, is that you won't always feel this way. We have good and bad days and we just need to keep going.Have you felt this bad before? I'm glad you came here to talk and we're happy to talk to you anytime Gina.



gina1972
1644 days ago
yes iam on meds yes but i only tried once to kill myself in 2007 you do not have to answer me anymore thanks for your help you have better things to do then listen to me feel sorry for myself tc



bella
1644 days ago
Actually I don't mind talking to you at all Gina. I feel good helping other people. You could also answer if you wanted. I will be getting off soon since my girls are home now and I have to go make homemade pizza. Other answers will be on I'm sure and I'll check on you tomorow - okay? I hope you feel a little better and be safe. Hugs :)



JunieBeatrice
1644 days ago
Hi. I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. It is hard when those dark thoughts come to end ones life. I hope you don't go through with it. As bad as life can be, and yes it can be very bad, it can be so good. Sometimes it is just hard to see that, or feel like that can happen. It is worth hanging on though. You will have to find your own reasons to live but I hope you spend some time discovering them. Do something nice for yourself. Even if it is just sitting outside enjoying the sunset. Being outside can work wonders for me. Get a little extra excercise, eat well, try to get some good sleep. If you can, do some volunteering. It helps to be around people or even volunteer at an animal shelter. Animals can be such great healers. I know it all sounds like so much work when one is down and depressed and has no energy. But try it. Sometimes when we use a little energy, we get a lot more in return. It is great how the human body works like that. If you feel like you are in danger of harming yourself or ending your life, please go to an ER or call a hotline. It is worth reaching out. You can always change your mind but it is worth it to keep fighting. I struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts myself so I know it is hard. But somehow deep inside, there is a desire to live. I know it is inside you because you are still here. You are in a ton of pain, and maybe even feel hopeless. But there is hope. We care. Keep talking if you want. All my best. Junie



bella
1643 days ago
Hi Gina,

checking to see how you're feeling today? I hope you're a little better.



gina1972
1643 days ago
i guess alright been shoveling snow for the last 1hr and a half see how i feel later thr shoveling kept my mind busy and off of wanting to die



been there
1643 days ago
Gina,

Two years ago I felt the same way you do. I hated my self and felt like I was more detrimental than benefitial to everyone around me. I had no drive, no will to do anything. No desire to do anything-- didn't want to get up in the morning or go to bed at night.--didn't want to cook or go out to eat or eat at all. I wanted to die. But there is something very important that I knew. Death does not end how you feel; it just ends your ability to do something about it. So I was cought between a rock and a hard place. So I decided to get a shovel. I did not like the way I felt, and I am the only one that can fix that. So I looked into an hebalist. I am now taking the herb vitex to balance my hormones. I take Dr. Shultze's Super Food Plus to suppliment my diet. I try to get some excersize at least once a week. (they say the more you don't feel like excersizing the more you need it!) WALK!! Sunshine is so so important. Get some sunshine. If you can, watch the sunrise and/or sunrise. Take extra Vitamin D -- most people don't get enough. I know it sound familiar, but get up early about 6:00 do something you like to do. Get out and go for a sunrise walk- write an email to your sister talking about her-- how is she, her kids--weather is great! Weed a garden. Plant some flowers. Breathe deeply. Little things are so IMPORTANT. Take more interest in things going on outside of yourself even if it seems so hard now. Go to bed early about 9:00. Eat breakfast even if you don't eat any other meal. Something healthy with protein. Look in the mirror and smile! no matter how you feel! Slowly life will come back. Find and persue something that has always interested you. There is so much information on the internet Just don't spend more than an hour or two per day on the computer. Help your mother, aunt or uncle with something that they are doing for an hour or two. If you can shovel snow for an hour and a half, you have amazing persistance. Remember you can do it. You are here to do something important. Find out what that is and don't let anything stop you. I am feeling better now than I have since I was 15. I am 30 and I love my life. Sure I have bad days - days that I wish I was doing something else, but the way I feel now is 100% the opposite of how I felt 2 years ago. The fight is hard but so worth while!

Good luck!

Work hard!

Keep posting on this site; there ARE people that care and have been there.

beenthere



bella
1643 days ago
Thank you very much for your inspiring and informative post ((Been there)). It sounds like you're very proactive in your life - good for you!! You're right things can change and get better.

Gina - ahh shoveling snow. I did that this morning too. Your aunt and uncle are lucky to have you help - in fact I bet it would be dangerous for them to shovel snow, since it's so strenuous. I think 'been there' gave some great advice - especially exercising, sleeping well and the all important vitamin D supplement. In fact her post sounds like something I would write. You keep on trying to get well - okay Gina. We're always here to talk.:)