Avatar Posted by biggs42 68 days ago (Question)


Hello. I've never been to a site like this, but feel I should connect with people with similar situations. I've been with the same girlfriend for the past 4.5 years. We just recently bought a home together. She as some issues in her past that haunt her, it's complicated but I'm going to spill it: She has three other sisters, her and all three of them were abused by their father as children. Years went by, they "forgave" him and wanted a "normal" family life. Two years ago, their mother finally found out about this, and divorced her father (she had been wanting a divorce for years and years).



This was two years ago, she has not seen her dad since. This is an Asian family, btw. Things were the best they have ever been in my life until her father was pretty much banished. Then there were spotty times where she would get depressed, then snap out of it. Here lately, she has been saying she misses her dad (she is 30, btw) and wishes she could just have a normal family life. She says that I should just let her go becaused she's destined to be alone because she is "damaged goods". I was with her through her parents' divorce, and through some hard times. There is no way in hell I will abandon this girl, I want to eventually marry her, but would not dare bring it up in the near future. I've invested too much of my life and energy and love to simply move on.



I've tried to get her to get help, she's stubborn and refuses. I am very open-minded and encourage her to take some time for herself, and give herself some space. Here lately, it's began to affect me (not sleeping well, general feeling of malaise). Also, her and her sisters talk about their dad often, and she's always depressed and ends up saying she needs to be alone after these conversations. Her and the one sister I like are taking a trip to the beach in November, which I think will be a good thing.



I want to do something special for her, I know trying to cheer her up is just a temporarily solution, but anything will help. I'm going to force her to take a weekend trip for herself within the next couple of weekends. I often wonder if she even does feel for me at all anymore, but if I don't call her during the day she asks why? So I know the love's still there, it's just clouded by her depression. I'm a very patient person, but I don't want to spend another year, or however long going like this. Also, one other important factor, all but one of her sister lives in the area anymore, she has seven siblings. I think she really longs for family more than anything, and it's a 5 hour drive to see her mom and brothers. We live in Atlanta, one sister lives in Baton Rouge, one in L.A., mom in SC, she doesn't even know if her dad is still alive.



ANY suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for reading.



Answers

Written by violetskye 68 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

i dont know what to tell you..maybe every other weekend (or once a month) you should either go to her mother's house or have them come over for a family dinner...otherwise i dont know

Written by biggs42 68 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for replying. I'm willing to try whatever. I go up and visit my folks about once a month, leaving her some time alone. I also encourage her not to just sit around the house while I'm gone, get out and take a mini road trip (she says she needs to do this). Also, whenever I do manage to get her out around my/our friends, she does have a great time, she even admits that, she just complains about it before we actually do it. We are going to visit my folks at the end of the month, I know she'll complain at first, but she really does love my family and they embrace as if she were their daughter, so I know she'll have a good time. I'll drop everything and drive the 5 hours to see her mom and brothers if she would just suggest it.

Written by bellacutie 68 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Well it sounds like you're a great person and she's lucky to have you. Was she physically abused or sexually abused? Usually in the Asian culture, there's alot of shame attached to talking about your family and family is very important to them. I think you should gently encourage her to go into therapy and work through her emotions. If she wants to work on forgiveness that's a good sign. Just keep being supportive but try not to get lost in all the drama. Best of luck.

Written by biggs42 67 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

it was sexual abuse when she was very young,around 5 or 6.

Written by Jazi5 67 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think that she is VERY lucky to have a guy like you by her side through all this, many guys would have walked away by now, cuz it's too much to handle. I had a similar experience with the being sexual abused thing, and I think that if you encourage her to write it out in a journal how she feels, it should help to release the emotions that she's going through inside, at least it helps for me, when I'm really depressed...With you by her side I'm sure she'll come around to making you feel loved even more so again...Good luck...hope I helped some...

Written by biggs42 67 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Yes, I'm hoping she'll come around. It's been tough on me as well, I'm actually hoping she'll do her little roadtrip this weekend because I could seriously use a break. I told some people on another board this as well: it seems she's in a better mood in the morning, and worse in the evenings. I'm guessing because she's had all day to think and for those thoughts to set in.

I try and get her to do some cardio with me in the evenings, because that's my current way to help deal with MY stress. I guess I like it because you literally feel like you're "running away" for a little bit, and it clears my head. She used to sketch and draw out her frustrations, I'm going to try and get her to do that again.

Thanks for the replies, I haven't even told anyone about this. With her being asian, she is very private and wants no one to know about her troubles, but I had to tell someone for my own sake.

Thanks.

Written by Clyde 49 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Maybe you could help her sketch and draw, instead of her doing the cardio with you--do something she likes?

Best,

Clyde

Written by Jazi5 49 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Clyde....Try doing something she likes, it will make things easier for you, hopefully....Best of Luck


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