Avatar Posted by imissme 74 days ago (Question)
I've dealt with depression everyday, for the last 20 years of my life. I've attempted suicide 3 times and gave up after the last try. I felt and feel, that god has cursed me. I am constantly lonely and the times i ever wanted to be alone and die, someone, out of the blue, would find me. Every time. 5 years ago, I started cutting after the first girl i really ever loved (who was also a cutter) broke up with me. I found it helped alot. It made me feel something other than fear, hopelessness, darkness. I would do it everyday. Arms, inside of the thighs and at one point, the bottoms of my feet so i could make it through the day without crying. Then, 2 years ago, I met the one. She told me 3 months ago that she was in love with someone else the whole time and was just waiting for him to breakup with his current GF, and left me. I lost alot of weight. My eyes were black and raw from constant crying and was going to be fired cause i couldn't work. So, I started cutting again and i don't cry as much anymore.

The last line in that paragraph bothers me. What's wrong with me? Everybody else seems to be happy with themselves and when they're not, they deal just fine. I'm a good person. I do anything for my friends and when i love someone, i love them unconditionally. I guess the real question is "What have i done to deserve this?".
But i guess you can't answer that.

I'm still in love and please don't say "You'll find someone else". I don't want anyone else. That love has been claimed. Please help.





Answers

Written by JunieBeatrice 73 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. I wish I knew how to quit cutting. I have been in therapy for a year and a half and it has not happened yet. It is something that just helps when nothing else does. But I have to say that talking to my counsellor, mostly through emails because I kind of suck talking in person, has helped lessen it. It does not happen as often and I can choose to talk to her instead of cutting, and sometimes I can do that. And sometimes the pain wins. But the only thing I can say is to keep fighting. Be strong. Be determined.

It hurts when someone we love does not love us back. I am sorry that has happened to you. You sound like a very caring person. A counsellor may help you sort out some things about yourself, what the truth is. You have not done anything to deserve to feel bad enough to cut yourself, nor to feel the loss of love. Sometimes these things just happen in life, and I know that is a really flimsy answer, but I think that is what it comes down to.

I know what you mean about not crying. Cutting seems to make that impossible at times. One thing that works for me is to watch a really sad movie and I will usually end up crying. It helps that release.

If you feel again like killing yourself, please call a hotline like, 1800suicide or you can go to any ER. They can help support you until you are safe again. And be sure to take care of your cuts, to insure they do not get infected.

Try to take care of yourself. Get enough sleep. Excercise. Eat healthy. I know it sounds cliche but it does help. Having a routine that you stick to, helps. You are worth taking care of, I know it may not feel that way but it is true. Sometimes feelings we have inside are in conflict with the truth. But knowing the truth and acknowledging it as true does help to free us.

I am not sure any of this is helping, as I have not been feeling really good myself either, and cutting would feel good right now but I am hanging in there and choosing to not engage in that behaviour. Will you join me in this step?

Take care, all my best. Junie

Written by looking4nanswer 73 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Junie has some great points and the things she said can help alot. I too am I cutter so I understand where you are coming from. In life we are delt cards that we may not deserve but it what we are given and we have to work with it.After talking to some pros I was told cutting is like an addiction, in that it will always be apart of who you are but you can overcome it. Having a routine helps a great deal. If you would like someone to talk to my email is mhsdancingqueen@gmail.com. I check it all the time so I will always be there. I hope that helps

~Jenn

Written by bellacutie 73 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you received good advice from the above posts and they can relate since they're familiar with cutting. I'm not a cutter but I've certainly have my share of pain for sure. I've also have some experience answering questions here and have learned about self injury. I'll address this 1st and depression second.

I would highly recommend looking at the self injury forums at psychcentral. At the top there are sticky posts and they have helpful coping strategies. From what I understand - a person resorts to cutting because they have overwhelming pain which they internalize. The pain is overwhelming so cutting takes the focus off the pain and the cutting releases 'endorphins', which gives you TEMPORARY relief from your emotional pain. So the trick is to find coping strategies - one great way is to exercise(this releases endorphins). Another tip is to hold icecubes in your hands(ouch) - this is very painful and will give you that endorphin surge. You could also draw with a red marker(make sure its washable LOL) lines where you would normally cut. In the sticky posts in the forum you can print out an 'impulse control log' and it gives an example how to fill it out. I also need to caution you, that you are setting yourself up for infection every time you open up your skin. I can give you so many coping mechanisms but it will only hold back the pain, not fix it. I encourage you to visit your doctor and get into therapy and treat your depression with meds.

Now I'll address your emotional issues. You say you've been diagnosed with depression- if so, what kind? When you say you're cursed - I sense that you feel sorry for yourself and you think you're a victim? It seems people just assume happiness should come to them and nothing bad will ever happen. Unfortunately bad things do happen to all of us - but it's how we react, that determines whether we'll get through them or not. So you need to ask yourself, are you going to give up and feel sorry for yourself or will you become a fighter, survivor and be resiliant??

Regarding your GF - I'm sorry this happened and that wasn't a good thing she did. But do you think it's worth ruining your life for her? I don't think so! I have a feeling you're young because I remember feeling like there was no other man for me and I couldn't live without him. I don't feel like that anymore. I have suffered the ultimate slap in the face from my husband and yes I felt devastated. But then I got MAD and realized, I'm not going to let anyone or anything ruin my life!! I am the most important person and that's how YOU need to feel. Do you deserve to suffer - no you don't. DO you think she deserves your love? I know you didn't want to hear this, but I have to say that - you will find someone else - she's not worthy of you. It will take time to heal and because you're depressed your situation seems magnified.

Right now it's very important that you tell your doctor how you feel. Then you need to implement the self help strategies that JunieB gave you. I need to stress that exercise is one of the best ways to fight depression. I feel many depressions (except the organic ones) come from internalized anger - so get constructively MAD. You also need to accept that life does stink sometimes and you're not cursed. You need to learn how to be a fighter, be resiliant and realize that you do have control of how you CHOOSE to react. You only have 1 life and you don't want to waste if feeling sad. I will give you a link to a suicide website:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ You can also call 1-800-DON'TCUT - but I think it's better to learn your own coping strategies. I think you should stop feeling like you're victim and reclaim control of your life. Best of luck, Bella:)

Written by imissme 72 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you all for your comments. I will address some now.

I am 27 years old.

I exercise almost everyday. I was a big kid growing up and i have to exercise to keep my weight down.

Yes im jaded. I have been stomped on in every personal relationship, friend or spouse, I've ever had. No i don't believe i'm entitled to happiness. I "DO" however, feel that i am entitled to "Some happiness". I do not in any sense of the word feel like a victim, I am a victim. Of Callousness and utter disrespect by almost every human I've come in contact with. As for the good times, I remember them well and it just makes me all the more sadder when it hits me that the providers of those memories i hold close to me, hate me or just plain wont talk to me anymore. Its. Really. Hard. I say i feel cursed because i don't have anyone. No one.

I am tried of the whole love thing. I have given myself too many times and im sick of it and because of it. It's made me cold to the point that i'm starting to treat people like shit and that really scares me. I hugged my mom yesterday and felt nothing. That well has run dry.

Again, i thank you for your kind words. I haven't heard them in a long time. But my body and mind is tired, nothing is working, and i can't help but think that maybe, it's time for me to go.

Written by JunieBeatrice 72 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. Thanks for replying back and letting us know how you are doing.

In your last line, when you said, maybe it is time for you to go, if you meant, kill yourself, it absolutely is not that time. But it is time for you to go get some help. Please seek out a counsellor, I know you may not feel up to trusting people with the way you have been treated, but find a counsellor that you can get a long with, it may take two or three or four and start talking. And trust me, I know how hugely scary that is. But they walk through your journey with you. They help you come to terms with things that caused you pain and you can begin to heal. You deserve to heal.

I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. I know it can be hard to conjure up feelings of love towards others when you feel sick and tired, but I do not think that is lost forever from you. I think you can get it back.

I strongly urge you to find a therapist. They can help.

I know what it is like to want to give up on life, and give up on yourself. Even lately I have been pushing those thoughts out of my mind because they are there. But I am not going through it alone, I can email my therapist, as I have been doing for several days in a row, telling her "hey I'm hurting, and I want to hurt myself and I do not know what to do." Just saying those words and knowing she cares and she hears me, I am not alone. I think it would be so good for you to have that same sort of support. Please reach out for it. It is so much better to not feel this way by myself, I want you to have that experience of someone caring and knowing and just being there.

There are lots of good articles online about finding a good therapist. Most importantly find one that clicks with you.

In the meantime, if you still feel like it is time for you to go from this earth, please call 1800suicide or go to an ER or tell someone safe in real life so that you do not struggle with those thoughts all by yourself. They can be big and powerful and convincing, but they are really hurtful and bad to stay inside unchecked.

Feel free to write again. Take care of yourself. All my best. Junie

Written by bellacutie 72 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I wish you wouldn't think that it's your time to go. I really think you need to go to your doctor and get your depression treated successfully. The reason you didn't feel anything when you hugged your mom is because you're in a deep deression - where negative emotions consume any positive emotions. Those positive emotions are there but hidden temporarily. Please feel free to talk to us anytime and you can contact me in the forum section by typing in lynn P. if you need encouragement. When you fell in love with that lady, you were still suffering depression. It's better if you treat your depression successfully first, then look for someone to love again. You are a lovable person. Go to your doctor ASAP and tell him/her that you want to beat this once and for all. Hugs, Bella

Written by Clyde 50 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

All of us are entitled to just some happiness. No one really owns it. I wish they did, so we all could have it.

I do think you need to go to your doctor and let them know what is going on.

Best,

Clyde


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