Avatar Posted by lemonDrops 349 days ago (Question)
I am disgusting.

Before you say "you're not" or "you're fishing for a compliment," please let me explain myself...

I am very fat (almost 190 lbs on my 4' 11'' frame), and every time I do something to loose weight or feel better, I have the tendency to binge eat and hurt myself in other ways. I eat for my emotions and eat to keep me from physically hurting myself (I have a long history of self-injury). I feel the need to sabotage. Although I understand, on an intellectual level, that this is absolutely ridiculous, I cannot help but binge and purge and cut. The act of doing something good for myself makes me sick... I feel like I don't deserve that kindness.

I am disgusting, because every time I feel like doing something to better myself, there is some part of me that won't let me do it. I find it hard to do things that are good for me.

In short, I hate me. I have fantasies about killing myself, or being killed in the most graphic, and most gruesome ways. There are times when I've walked down dark alleys hoping to be raped and torn apart, because I deserve it while the many others who suffer from such horrible things don't.

But, I refuse to act on these fantasies because that would be the act of a bratty teenager living in an ever changing world. I know it would hurt others. Although I feel like living is a lost cause, my mind knows that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Because I am an only child, and I have many friends who depend on me for emotional support, I do my best to be strong for those in my life.

I'm not ignored, nor am I told that I am not capable. In fact, I am showered with complements. There are many people who believe I can do many things that I believe I cannot do. I receive a lot of attention, and a lot of support.

But, I can't believe them... in my mind I'm this fat, disgusting, filthy, ugly, undeserving, bratty, whiny, depressed stupid, lazy, piece of sh*t.

I can't live like this anymore without killing myself or ending up in a hospital. I have to learn to live with myself.

So, my questions to you are:
1) If you've ever felt this way, have you ever gotten over it/ how did you get over it?
2) How do you better yourself when you, truly, hate yourself?
3) How do you accept compliments gracefully even if you know they are fake?
4) Also, do you believe that fat = disgusting, filthy, ugly, undeserving, bratty, whiny, depressed stupid, lazy, piece of sh*t ? ( I know you are, obviously, not going to be truthful on that one).

- I hope the last question didn't intimidate you... I don't mean to put you down... I'm just a bit bitter...
ANY answer would be greatly appreciated.

- I am bipolar, and I am on medication. Before the meds, I was way more irrational. I'm also seeing a therapist. My problem with therapy is that I feel like I'm a burden on her (my therapist) when I whine like this... but then, being quiet doesn't help... I don't know how to talk to her about this without sounding like a broken record. I hate burdening others with my problems, they don't deserve to hear it.

(I also posted this on Yahoo! Answers)


Answers

Written by xanrac 348 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

1) i have felt this way before and not just once but continuesly now i am only 14 so i have a lot of life ahead of me and you will probably think i dont no any thing about this type of thing but just remember i have been trough all this but what i did was continuesly thaught in my head that when i am older i am going to have kids and i love kids more than anything in the world so that keeps me going and gets me out of bed every day.

2) i dont better my self i believe i am ugly and discusting and always will do so i just never bring up the topic in my head that way i wont think about it and also i write poetry and storys so i forget that fact (and as i am a girl my hormones dont make it any easier)

3)i have taught myself to just say thankyou to the person and then just say in my head yeah right i havent taught my brain to accept these compliments and dont think i ever will but i am not thinking about it.

4) no it really doesnt i am not exactly thin myself and i find it really hard to loose wait but i think people have there own opinions on what fat means, but to me fat means someone who uses food as comfort as do i and have a lot of issues and dont no what to do with them.

but i think you need to set your self a goal like i have (to have kids) and then you will also have somehing to look forward to that is worth it and also i use my writing and dreams to escape from the world for a coulple of hours and people say they cant stop me from writing because i do it to much so maybe you could write a sory and then see what you come up with.... i wish you the best of luck.... and if you ever need any one to talk to i am here ....

Written by Clyde 348 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My dear,

If you feel we are going to lie to you, then why ask? Because, really, you dont think we are going to lie. You do not want to believe that others will say something good about you--and you dont want to believe that you can be a good person.

I agree setting a goal is good--set a healthier eating plan with your therapist or doctors help.

Discuss all of this (your feelings) with the therapist--that is what they are there for. You need to expound to your therapist (discuss how you feel) or else they cannot help you.

You are worth it, and in time, you will see you are.

Best,

Clyde

Written by Edahn 348 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think there's a deep layer of hurt here that has to be acknowledged and released. You've internalized a lot of ideas about fat people and how worthless they are. Others have mistreated you, and you have mistreated yourself by giving up on yourself. I think that's what hurts you the most, and I think your inability to feel like you're worth something is really a symptom of you trying to avoid the pain that's there.

What I mean is, in order to have hope, to imagine yourself kicking ass at life, or to simply imagine that you might be able to climb out of this rut, you need to "pass through" your pain. Passing through means EXPERIENCING the pain you've caused yourself, and that other have caused you. It means crying it out, but also crying in a way that you are compassionate to yourself and that you stop mistreating yourself. That you stop saying that you're worthless, that you stop criticizing yourself, and that you start realizing that you have PAIN underneath that drives who you are, and that you are not responsible for that causing that pain. Circumstances have caused it, other people have caused it, and other people have caused their pain. Forget the blaming game and the self-blaming game and start playing the listening game. No more cutting, no more distracting, not more blaming, just simple listening, like you were listening to a friend.

So try imagining a better life. Keep trying. Be courageous, I know you can. See that other you as clearly as you can, functioning in life without addictions, with balance, knowing how to deal with cravings in a way that's respectful and wise.

Then set milestones. Dedicate yourself to becoming that person one step at a step, one decision at a time, little by little. Progress doesn't come in one moment. It's an accumulation of little moments and what you do with the opportunities in those moments. You just have to believe that if you keep making good decisions, one at a time, over the next few years, that you will be in a better position that you are in now.

When you notice cravings come up, watch them come up. Pay attention! Once you acknowledge that they're there, make a conscious decision to not partake in them for the sake of your ideal self. Decide what you must do to avoid the situation. Maybe go for a walk, maybe watch TV, maybe get out of the house and go to a coffee shop. You know best.

At the same time, start looking for things in life that give you meaning. It takes people a while to find things that make them feel awesome at life, but it's possible if you have a little open mindedness (and everyone has that, without exception). Experiment and see what resonates with you. Building meaning is a way to overcome addictions to pain. I recommend you pick up Victor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. It's a perfect book for you.

Let us know how your progress goes. Feel free to ask questions, okay?

*highfive*

You can do this shit!


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