Avatar Posted by TERESA 83 days ago (Question)
ok so I have been in therapy for 9 mos.
childhood sexual abuse, physical abuse; gonna be 40; never have sought help up until last year; knew something was wrong just wasnt sure what; on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds 1st time in my life....
Thought I was through the hard part w/memories...did the EMDR.... but now I am just an emotional mess.... I could cry at any minute..... totally lonely and the weekends are the worst thing ever....now the despair seems to be seeping into my weekdays.... I just want to feel normal again (if I ever have) I dont want to be stuck dealing with this stuff forever....actually I am trying to apply, recognize and be mindful of all the things I am learning about to my real life (I feel like a child, lost and learning things that I didnt know, I didnt know) all the while I am grieving for what I feel is a fake past: one I may have dreamed up or made real in my mind; i.e. a socalled decent relationship with my parents (the monsters) relationship with the siblings (who dont know about the sexual abuse but know about the physical abuse) They too suffered the physical and verbal abuse from the other parent....now I feel like I am alone ...each weekend I dread because I know I will be home and alone ...during the week I stay frantically busy and this helps so i dont think too much about this stuff...now I am trying to do the same when home so I can keep busy and not allow myself to get lost in my mind wandering around for hours trying to figure shit out) .... ugh ....I just want to know from people who have experienced this sort of stuff and those who have helped others through it....how long does it take to get to the so called finish line.... do we ever get there..... is there such a thing.... is nine mos a long time for therapy? So sorry for all the questions....I just started looking on the internet and ran into this website and people are responding and its actually the best thing right now because I really feel like I am by myself on this even though I go to therapy ...I feel like I am a burden on him because I am constantly seeking his help....now having another outlet for this ....well I think you can get where I am coming from....I just need a network of people who can relate and give advice and I just need help because I am scared shit of how I feel with everything...I question myself on anything and everything now because lots of who I am or what I thought I knew isnt so....well thats all right now I know its a lot....any help of comments is really appreciated ... lots and lots of thanks :)


Answers

Written by bellacutie 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I glad you feel comfortable talking about your feelings here. You might also want to join the forum section of this website. I'm sure you know that we're not doctors or therapists - we're just regular people who like to share our wisdom.

Personally I never suffered child abuse of any kind, although I had a close call when I was 13. I'm a mother of 2 girls and find it very infuriating that any child should suffer abuse.

I don't know how long it would take to work through these issues. I know it's necessary to recognize what happened and feel the pain. I'm a great believer though in moving on from the pain(once it's dealt with) and looking to the future. I want to make sure that I'm not insulting you or anyone here by saying this - because I'm not saying you shouldn't deal with the abuse. I just don't want you to feel victimized for the rest of your life. You had bad parents who didn't know how to raise children - you didn't deserve to be treated like that. There has to be some point in the theraputic process where the patient can say -"that's it, I won't let what my crappy parents did, ruin my life now". How will you eventually shed the feeling of being a victim and move on from your past. I think it's important to get angry and reclaim what was taken from you as a child. Yes you should feel all the pain but don't let it consume you - you don't want to spend your whole life stuck in this pain. Best of luck in healing. :)

Written by TERESA 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi bellacutie, thank you for your input. I am glad you never had to go through this type of abuse.

The thing is, I have never really dwelled on this crap. I kinda just tucked it away, although I had convinced myself that I let it go long ago. I thought I had. But after 20 yrs of wondering why I am not in a real relationship and the last 10 on no relationship...and doing everything on my own, raising a child, working my butt off paying the mortgage, taking vacations with just me and the kiddie...I think the facade just came tumbling down...job troubles cause financial troubles which caused stress and BANG there you have it....WTF? (sorry for the expression). I have a very hard time looking at myself as THE VICTIm....Even in my email when I say I am a victim of abuse or when I say I am a survivor of abuse ....well it just doesnt fit my personality and doesnt sit well with me. However over the last several months I have learned that this is in fact partly what I am....though I do not want to own the title so much ...just accept that it did happen. In addition I really dont plan to allow it to run my life...but ....right now I think I have been sideswiped but the whole therapy thing...I mean I wasnt really sure what to expect nor was I prepared to feel everything that I am. I literally feel like I got hit by a mach truck or something. Right now I am not even fixated on the abuse...unfortunately I think I have moved on but to other issues that have sprouted from my abuse and going through therapy. Everytime I think I got a little bit of a handle on some coping skill that is not healthy I another one pops up and I have to recognize it address it and find a better way ... of course I am grateful that I have a therapist who is good at his job! and is so patient and also frank! which is good cause I got a thick head. You got to bank it in for me to actually get it most of the time. Getting angry is another difficult thing for me...I mean my parents are not the same people or they are but they are also different now...how exactly do you bring up stuff from 30+ years ago ...today? and then tell them they are JACKBALLS to put it nicely?! I am still trying to find the anger or atleast figure out how to express the anger to them. I am not good at this part at all. In the meantime I have distanced myself from them almost completely 100% .... of course now they want to know whats wrong with me? huh?! what the heck do you mean whats wrong with me!? What was and possibly still is wrong with you?! ..... Thats what I would like to say....just havent found the courage yet to do that and well....my mother has not idea that my father sexually abused me and for years and years....thats a whole other can that I have not even attempted to delve in to. I have basically taken the 2 of them and put them into the same bubble which is soundproof! I dont have to talk or hear them unless I want to. Avoidance is now another issue I know I will have to deal with... so says my therapist. Oh well.....guess I will get there when I can ... I just wish I could speed up the process and not feel so anxious ....depressed and terribly sad.....SUCKS outloud!

I hope my harsh words do not upset you I really try not to swear to much even when typing...I am just frustrated with myself.....and the whole situation...getting my head around this crap is wearing me out!

Thank you for your input...and listening to my rambling on and on ...have a good one

Written by Thumbelina 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi, Teresa,

I did not go through childhood abuse, per se, but did go through something similar. What you are experiencing is a form of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) because you are beginning to realize the true nature of your past. The other thing you are experiencing is grief. PTSD is a very difficult thing to go through and comes out in different ways. It can cause us to be jumpy, nervous, anxious, hypervigilent (always watching out for the next trauma),untrusting and a lot of other things. You are grieving for the life you had made up in your head and for the life that you as a child didn't get to have. Grief is very individual. You cannot put a time limit on it. You will, unfortunately, need to give yourself as much time as it takes to let yourself grieve fully. It's not going to be easy, but believe me, if you do not do it, it will come back on you later. You will also need to process the anger you have towards your parents. That takes time. You have a very big job to do. The final part of the task ahead of you is to re-parent that damaged child inside of you, the little girl named Teresa who should have had a very different life. After you process all the pain and grief and anger, the adult you can nurture her and re-parent her and comfort her. Is nine months too long in therapy? No, not at all. Especially considering what you went through. But the good news is, you won't have to go through it forever. Please believe me because I did process my past damage and it did get better and I am so glad I did. Hang in there and I am so glad you have come to our website.

Written by bellacutie 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Teresa,

no it doesn't upset me that you were blunt and swore a little. I think it's good to get it out of your system like that. When I said that it's good to get angry I didn't mean that you necessarily have to direct it at them personally because that would be hard. I'm sure your therapist is familiar with 'empty chair' therapy where the patient vents at the appropriate time their true, core feelings toward the pretend abuser. You could also write your feelings on paper as well. I can never understand how or why anyone could abuse a child - particilarly their own child!! I think if I had one wish it would be for all children to be safe from harm!! Since I had a close call with a brother inlaw when I was 13, I vowed if I ever had kids, that I would protect them like a mother lion and also empower them to protect themselves. My oldest daughter is a brown belt in Karate and my girls know not to trust anyone -I know that's sad but that's the kind of world we live in. Do you have siblings who were also abused? We're here to listen anytime you need to vent - best of luck with healing.

Written by JunieBeatrice 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Teresa,

No, nine months is not too long for therapy. If you think about how long your abuse went on, it probably lasted longer than nine months. For me, it was 8 years, and then the self-abuse that followed afterward: the eating disorders, the cutting, etc. All of that is going to take a while to heal because it took a while to happen. There is nothing wrong with it taking time. Of course though, it is horrible that it takes so long because you know, it hurts, A LOT. And often it is hard, and you are right...it does not fit neatly tucked away and only come out on therapy days. It seeps over into other aspects of life. Like you, I love distraction. It can be unhealthy though. The eighty hour work-weeks when I get paid for fourty...yeah there is something wrong there. At some point and I am not totally there in my own therapy, I am going to have to face everything and deal with it, and not let myself use distraction or not eating or cutting or whatever, to cope and to numb out from the pain. Luckily, my therapist is very cool about such things and says that I am not on a time schedule, that I am right where I need to be and she is there with me. I have a feeling you are taking things at the pace you can handle them, that you will be where you need to be in your healing process all the time. When you run and seek distraction, it might be because things went a little too fast and you are feeling scared. At least, that is how it is for me. But I think, ultimately it will be worth it. In the meantime it is kind of hard and stuff, but try and hang in there and just keep talking. As hard as that is. And do not beat yourself up over not being able to be angry with your abusors...I have not gotten that down either. The only person I can manage to be angry with is myself and that is only adding to the problem. But I will get there and I suspect you will too. And according to my therapist, after the anger, there may still be some sadness but it will be no where as deep as it is now. I find that hopefull, and I hope you do too. Hang in there. Be strong. All my best. Junie.

Written by MUE 82 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Teresa,

I could have written your post - almost word for word - AND your responses! Literally, my jaw dropped, because what you've experienced - and the feelings that you have - are nearly identical to what I've been going through!

I have been in therapy for about 6 months, and I still have a very long way to go. I asked my therapist where the finish line is...and he told me that there really is no finish line. You start to see the hills as challenges instead of overwhelming obstacles, as you make progress at a pace that you can handle. Even after 6 months, we haven't even touched on dealing with most of the abuse issues.

I am right where you are...and still struggling. Know that you are not alone. ((( HUGS )))

MUE

Written by Angua 81 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Teresa, you have my sympathy. And my empathy.

I haven't long started therapy for an identical issue (about a month ago) and I haven't really gotten very far at all. I tend to be obsessive and dwell too much on my own past, so maybe my timescale isn't accurate to yours, but most of what you've written sounds as though you share my attitude to both what happened to you and the therapy you've been going through for the past nine months.

I'm afraid I can't tell you how much longer it will take, but I can tell you that you're not alone in this. If you ever need to talk, about your abuse as a child or anything else, you're more than welcome to email me at sargeant.angua@gmail.com

Good luck getting through this! :)

Liz

Written by Clyde 79 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think a lot of it is PTSD, and of course, since you are still working through it, it will take some time to get over it.

I dont think you never really ever get completely over it, but you do learn how to feel better and how to cope.

As Bella said, it is a good thing to join the forums at PsychCentral, as it gives you others to talk to as well.

Realize when you are in pain, you are getting to the point of working out your issues, because you are uncovering them.

I really hope for the best in your situation.

Best,

Clyde

Written by TERESA 61 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you all :)


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