Avatar Posted by bAllen173216 222 days ago (Question)
I'm 21 years old, a Junior majoring in Political Science/Economics. While I would say that I am a confident person, my sense of social value is low. I was bullied, treated like an animal really, in middle school. From that point on I have moved from one social setting to the next; keeping quiet, I was not before, and not making social connections of meaning. I have spent large portions of my life feeling a sense of isolation from my peers. Now that I am 21; I am in college. I feel as though my social skills are comparativly low, indeed that they have atproated over the years to a poing of being virtually non-existant.The enviornments in which I have been so far (2 college dormatories) I have been generally despised and thought of as creepy by those in my hall and those in class. In reality, after living in the same building with these different groups of people I have failed to introduce myself; or begin a conversation. Shameful. I must contend with listening to them mock me through the walls; as I suffer, alone and not wanting to. My job has been much of the same experiance, gradually but surely I have earned the loathing and hostility of my co-workers; moving from restraunt to restraunt with in the franchise by way of neptoism. While I have one or two close friends I am consistantly questioning their bonds that tie us and what sort of impression I am making upon them during and for long after out time spend together. Indeed, mainly as a way of escaping from my dorm, in its boredom, in its pain; I drive for long hours in my car. Fantasising about myself in positions of power or evaluating my unhappy state; asking myself why I am unhappy; why I CONTINUE to fail.


Answers

Written by Athlaos 222 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Funny, I sort of identify with you in the fact that you and I have one thing in common: we feel that our social skills are comparatively not as 'developed' as those of our peers. I prefer to think of it as 'different', and sometimes 'enhanced', and feeling that I am from a different time in history than most of my peers. Its kind of fun to do that. Obviously though, like anyone, I believe whatever I want to make myself feel better about my situation.

But I notice one big difference between you and me: everyone (and I mean absolutely everyone) loves me. I can't tell you exactly why there is that difference between us, I don't think its becuase there are different people going to your university than there were going to mine. But I do believe that if you love yourself and other people, you will get that in return. Yeah, yeah, I know it sounds like Karma crap but seriously, you won't get very far in life if you hate yourself. There are total assholes who hate everyone but are successful simply because they love themselves and don't care what anyone else thinks. In short though, its your choice who you want to be. People will love you if you love yourself.

Written by Edahn 222 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you should start by being realistic. You're not going to suddenly change into a new person. Your change, and it's a VERY VERY real possibility, will happen gradually. It would really be helpful if you can imagine what that slow progression might look like over the next 3-4 years. The more detail, the better.

The way to go about that is by (1) setting small realistic goals and gradually moving up, (2) adopting a supportive attitude of yourself (loving yourself) rather than talking shit to yourself and looking at yourself as someone worthless, and (3) learning basic, working social skills to make and keep relationships, and on the flip side, knowing what not to say.

(1) Adopting realistic goals - instead of trying to make friends with everyone, try and practice JUST MEETING people for a whole month. You don't have to come up with a great introduction or anything too calculated. Just say "what's up I'm ___________" and ask them a simple question about something going on around them. "Are you enjoying the party?" or "What're you drinking?" or "What class are you waiting for?" After a couple minutes, just say "nice meeting ya!" and take off. The next step is to get to know them a little more, and maybe even get their number and hang out with them. You can also keep your current relationships (at work) very simply and just FRIENDLY. FRIENDLY is the keyword here. If you practice that, to the best that you can, you'll be fine.

(2) Supportive attitude - How do you treat yourself? How do you view yourself? Can you look at yourself as someone who is struggling to do their best who has the right intentions, rather than just "a fuck up" ? Can you try and practice being kind to yourself? It dovetails with the first theme of friendliness, but you're being a friend TO YOURSELF.

(3) Basic social skills - There are lots of ways to go about this. You can buy some books, watch people in real life, solicit feedback from your friends, find a support group for shy people, see a counselor, or just notice how people react to you and adjusting accordingly. Most of this will fall into place if you practice (1) and (2).

Best of luck! If you need more instruction, buy a book or see a school counselor or therapist. You could try The Gift of Shyness by Avila or Radical Acceptance by Brach, or whatever book resonates with you.

Best,

Edahn

Written by bellacutie 221 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

I think you got alot of good information from the other posts. I'll just add a few comments. I think you had a profound experience with being bullied in middle school and this greatly affected your self esteem. It made you feel unable to connect, making you withdraw. I think you're stuck in that pattern of assuming others don't like you and you feel unhappy. It's a viscious circle. I also sense in your writing a resentment to the people around you -and I understand why.

In order to fix this you need to break that old pattern that you unfortunately learned in middle school. You can follow the self help steps from the other posts and it will take time. Essentially you want to get out of the negative mindset you're in. Like the first post said - you need to project a friendly attitude. People aren't drawn to someone who appears angry or sad. Also you need to get out of the resentful pattern - meaning you can't expect to be friends with people if you're feeling resentful. Simply put you need to be friendly (smile, look peaceful) in order to attract friends. Think, if you were secretly video taped -do you think you would want to be friends with you. Sometimes we don'trealize how we appear to others. Try to heal yourself, so you can get out of that old pattern - you can do it. Best of luck.

Written by Clyde 212 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Could you start social interactions slowly, by joining like a political science or economics group or get a couple of study partners?

Little is better, and the longer and farther you go in, add more time and people to your group.

Best,

Clyde


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