i've been really sad lately. i don't like this feeling. i keep trying to convince myself to be happy, in the hopes that it will come true. but it's not working. i'm lonely, but almost every time i go hang out with my friends in the back of my head i want to be somewhere else. then when i am by myself, i wish someone was there. i've been crying a lot, which is really odd for me. i don't generally cry frequently. i punched a wall two weeks ago because i was mad. i wasn't mad at anything in particular, but i started to get more mad because i was mad over nothing. and the wall was the closest thing to me. i live alone, and i used to love it. now i don't like it as much. i'm a really autonomous person, and i used to really enjoy solidarity. it helped me get back to zero with all the stresses of work and school. but now, when i am at zero i am upset. i don't get it. usually, i can keep my head and my heart very separate. but now they are merging together, and i would think this would be a good thing. but it's making some upset in me erupt. i have no appetite, i'd rather sleep than eat. i can't focus on my school work lately. i'm stuck in my head. i can't find anything that's making me happy anymore. video games, comic books, seeing my friends, reading, learning. all these things usually make me happy, but they don't anymore. i met someone who was only interested in sex, and i thought that would work for me. but it feels wrong, so wrong. that's something i've never had an issue with, emotionless sex. it doesn't bother me, but it's starting to. he wanted to meet up late this week, and i'm going to have to cancel. every fiber in my being is saying i shouldn't go through with it. so i'm not going to. i'm craving connection, but i think when i get there that i will want to be somewhere else. i don't know what's going on in my brain lately. please help me
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