Avatar Posted by BloodStainedTears 71 days ago (Question)
I don't really know my question. But what i kinda do want to know is...Why do I want out of my life? Yes I know you might not be able to answer that. But I mean I think about suicide almost everyday. I used to cut...I guess just to feel something other than nothing. I stoped but then one day I started again. Like today...I never wanted a blade so badly before. Yes I know I might sound emo but to tell you the truth im not. I just hate life and I want to get out of mine. I don't care about anything or anyone anymore. Some people think i do care but i really dont. Some of you might even think "if you dont care then you wouldnt be writing this" Tell ya the truth...I guess im just writing this so i well i really dont know why. and so if your reading this im sorry to wast your time and i dont blame you if you dont want to go on..another question. How can i stop cutting? I would like to feel something but something different from pain. but thats prob one of the reasons i do it is just to feel something then nothing at all. I dont know why. My parents when i was little i used to be able to get along with them. But now its like every time i try to talk to them we end up fighting. I dont talk to my mom or my dad. They say they love me and that they care. I know they do but one of the reasons that i fight with my mom is cause shes to over protective and she cares way to much. I wish she was more like my dad sometimes but that may never change. Im not saying that i want to change the way she is im just saying. Sometimes i even admit to myself that i am suicidal. But another thing is..Am i really suicidal or am i just not afriad of death? i hate my life and i want it to end. Yea sure i have some friends but sometimes i think its better off alone. Im tired of all the bullcrap some people give me but thats part of life isnt it? but to deal with it or to even start having bullcrap in 2nd grade? thats when i started not to care about anything and anyone i simple just dont care. i hate feeling nothing. sometimes i just want to break down and cry but i just hold it back. cause sometimes crying just leads to cutting. so i try not to. I want to know how can i just let go of my feelings instead of just bottling them up and putting them away. kinda like what im doing now. but writing just kinda helps i think. but i dont know for fact. thats another reason why i cut. I guess just because to me it relives me and its better than to feel nothing. but when i cut i just make it look like cat scrathes pretty much. but when im at school and i want to cut i have a rubber band around my writs and well i think you know the rest. But i wish i could stop. i just dont know how. Another thing is i hate how some people treat me differnt some (there like the preppy girly girls) they think im stupid i guess is one way to put it. and i hate it. they dont know me they judge. but i dont care what other people think of me but it does get old after awhile. just like with my parents. Im two totally different people when im at school and when im home. My mom more than once pratically told me not to be myself. and sometimes when she does say to be myself and i do she cuts me down and says something like "stop it and grow up" (something like that) but when im around my friends (i only have 1 the rest are aquatinces) (yes i kow i spelled that last word wrong) im tired of pretending to be who im not. i just want to be me. but when i try to be me when im around my parents they scream and yell at me to knock it off. this pretty much sums it all up i think. o and one more thing yes i do know that some people have it way worse then what i do. ok this is all im gonna say for right now...and sorry if you read this and it wasted your time.


Answers

Written by JunieBeatrice 71 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. And I wanted you to know right away that you are not wasting my time with your question. I do not know how to stop cutting, I do know that talking with a counsellor can help. I know that, because I cut and I talk to my counsellor. Well, I email her more than I talk but it is still getting words out there. I am thinking eventually I will say enough words and then the wanting to hurt myself will go away.

There are lots of distractions which you seem to know like the rubber band thing, writing on your arms with a marker--I have to be careful with that one personally because I find it triggering--and holding ice in your hand, those types of things. It may help you not hurt yourself in the moment but it will not work forever. If you want something that will be more lasting, I really think counselling is the way to go.

You can start with a school counsellor. You can just tell them to start with that you are having some troubles with your emotions and communicating with your parents. When it feels safe, that is when you can say the rest that you need to say.

I do not know exactly why you want out of your life, but I would guess that you are tired of the pain and tired of your life being this way. That is good in one way because it means you are ready for a change. But you can change in a positive direction or a negative direction. Suicide by the way is a negative direction. And it is FINAL. You cannot take it back. Please contact 1800suicide if you feel like you are going to try to end your life. You can also go to any ER and tell them you are suicidal and they will have a social worker or a psych doc come talk to you and come up with a game plan for keeping you safe.

By the way, school years can be pretty crappy. Sorry for the term I cannot think of a better one. People in school years can judge others and be cruel and make life miserable. But luckily those years do not last forever. Small consolation, I know, when you are right smack in the middle of it, but maybe you will find some hope in that too.

I am not sure if any of this helped, but I am glad that you reached out and talked a little bit. And I want to let you know that I care.

All my best. Junie

Written by Thumbelina 71 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi,

I read your whole post and was really affected by how much you expressed yourself. It wasn't a waste of time, it was really reaching out with what's going on inside you. I don't cut but I've known a lot of people who do. They've explained to me what it's like and why they do it. I can sort of understand why. But like Junie said, suicide is final. I am bipolar. I've been suicidal before but have never tried it. I've thought about it a lot when things get really painful. I hope you know that just thinking about it doesn't mean you have to do it. It IS final and not a solution. Counseling does help. It helps a lot. And just remembering that each and every day that passes, things will change is all it takes to keep me going a lot of times. Things will change for you, too. I hope you try talking to a counselor. Keep us informed about how things are going with you.

Written by Clyde 50 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Could you also talk to your school counselor and see what they think?

Best,

Clyde


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