Hi. I used to have very close friends but it's like everything changed over night. 6 months ago we were all good friends, hanging out and talking, now I feel I am being avoided. I call them all the time to see if they want to hang out, but they never answer my calls. I message them on facebook when I'm free, but they never respond. They update their site with pics everyday hanging out, having fun, and doing stuff, I am only one missing from the group (literally). I feel so depressed. I talk to my family and do things with them all the time, but yet I still feel empty. I try to keep occupied by drawing, going outside, listening to music, etc. but it's just not the same. My best friend who I could go to for anything is now too busy to even chat. If I call one of my "friends" and they do happen to pick up, it's always "Can I call you back?" or "Hey I'm busy right now?".

I have tried so many times to forget them all and move on. I grew up socially awkward because my family sheltered me from a lot of things a normal person should experience. I hate it every day, I find myself blaming them for the way I am. I am trying to get out more and talk to new people but where do I go? What do I say? but I have very poor social skills, and I'm not that attractive either. I'm not downing myself but this is what I was told. I've thought about giving up and accepting being alone, removing myself from society. I'm having heavy thoughts of enlisting in the military, as a career choice. But my family does not support me and verbally threatens me every time I mention it. I've always wanted to do this since I was a kid. They love to lecture me like I'm still a child. "I WOULDN'T DO THAT, YOU DON'T WANT TO DO THIS, BE A ROLE MODEL TO THE YOUR COUSINS, ETC". They have a family of tradition which I do not want to fall into, it's in no way bad, but I don't want to be apart of it. I feel as though I am always being told what to do, being controlled, like some sort of puppet. I've lost myself and I need help.

During the day I'm sitting at home alone with my dog, playing video games and on the internet. I used to joke about the idea of doing this all day, this happening, becoming deeply depressed like this. What can I do to get back on track? What exactly am I missing? Am I doing something wrong? Should I just get away for a while?


Answers


bella
1530 days ago
I'm sorry you're having this difficult friend situation - I understand friendships can sometimes seem fickle when you're young and that's sad. I've noticed in a group of friends, there's always one leader who runs the group. If for some reason they decide one friend isn't desirable(for what ever reason) they all sort of follow the leader.

You mentioned you struggle socially - can you identify specifically your challenges and try to solve them? I think Facebook can be a source of sadness, when you see all your friends interacting. Do you want to enlist in the military because you really want this or as an escape?



EMP_Soundwave
1530 days ago
I think you are right, when using Facebook and see my friends, it feels as though a needle is jabbing at an already open wound. I wish to enlist because I really want this. Despite the negative reaction I get from my family, I wish to still follow through with this. I will find my social weak points and get back to you, thank you for your comment.



Edahn
1530 days ago
Honestly, as hard as this is, I think you need to put your pain on hold and try and solve this. It could be that your friends are just not great friends, but if you notice a pattern where everyone is distancing themselves from you, then most likely you're doing something to push them away. Don't beat yourself up about it, just try and look at it as a problem you need to solve to get your social life back on track. Think of yourself as a scientist looking for a solution, not getting too emotionally involved in the experiment. Can you try to do that? You seem smart enough, judging by the quality of your writing.

So. What could it be? I'm not sure. Maybe you're a downer. Maybe you say inappropriate things. Maybe your jokes are bad and make people uncomfortable. Maybe you just don't know how to carry your part of the conversation. My brother did this for a while. He would get on the phone with me and just not say anything, expecting me to talk. It made me really uncomfortable since 1) I hate being on the phone and 2) I only like talking the bare minimum that's needed. I really abhor chit-chat.

I think you should talk to your best friends and ask them, honestly, to tell you how you might improve your personality and relationships. You can tell that you feel like people have been avoiding you and that you really want to ask your friends for some advice on how to really better yourself so you don't push people away anymore. At first they'll probably give you a lame excuse like "no, you're fine, I've just been busy." But if I were you, I would press them for information. Let them know that this is really helping you, not hurting you, and don't give them any resistance (but it's okay if you ask for clarification). If they're having trouble, give them some places to start. Ask them if they get annoyed when they talk to you on the phone or if you're kind of a downer.

Whatever they say is fine. You don't have to go out and change yourself. Just reflect on it. Are they right? Do you like the things that they dislike? Should you change your friends or change yourself? Both? Neither? If you decide there are some things you need to improve (sense of humor, enthusiasm, how interesting you are to people) then attack it rationally and strategically. There are ways to modify anything, the best way being by hanging around people who have the qualities you seek. You'll end up absorbing those qualities without even trying.

You've got some work cut out for you, but you should do it. Force yourself to make those calls today if it makes sense to you. Make 3 today and 3 tomorrow. If they're really not comfortable, you can ask them to think about it for a day and tell them you'll get back to them.

In the end, if they don't pull through, then take bella's advice. Brush up on your social skills (by copying socially skilled people) and make some new friends.

Best of luck,

Edahn



EMP_Soundwave
1530 days ago
I am melancholy at times. Some of them actually read my messages and choose not to respond which irks to the point of insanity. But Bella is right, Facebook is a source of sadness, so I will try to stay back from it for a while. I have taken your advice and sent them messages asking them what they did and did not like about me, hopefully I will get a response. I will seek out those who have the same qualities as I do, as soon as I realize what they really are. Even though I don't know where to look for friends, I will try my best, and I will get back to you. Thank you for your comment.