Avatar Posted by Guttershark 97 days ago (Question)
I'm not sure where to start, but this might be long and I'm sorry, but I stumbled across this site and maybe someone can help me before something terrible happens.

Let me start with my past. I've had a not-so-great life. Parents constantly fighting, having to choose between them; living with a dad who i was a "rock" for (Till he had a girlfriend and forgot about me), a mom who had turned lesbian and who was in an unhealthy relationship...
Dad was abusive, mom was overly depressed and would occasionally tell me that i was a mistake.
I have a little sister who has been spoiled rotten by my mother's (ex?) girlfriend. She has a good life (though my mom and her ex gf fight often), everything she wants, nice house, millions of gaming systems, a boyfriend, a smart phone, etc. (She's 15.) I got basically nothing. I had to do chores for 2 hours to get 1 hour of computer time. she's on the computer 24/7 and is now being home schooled because she didn't want to wake up early anymore.
That's beside the point, even my sister doesn't quite act like she likes me.

Anyway, to the main point.
I've been depressed for as long as I know.
I didn't think I was bipolar, but maybe that i just had mood swings. They weren't bad, often when i would be on or near my period.

Well, I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 years now. I love him more than i love myself (which i would say is a lot, but then again... i really hate myself.)
over the years i've just deteriorated.
My self esteem is absolutely terrible.
I hate myself, and I'm incredibly insecure. To ridiculous extents.

For example, i get extremely upset and jealous if i see my boyfriend playing a video game with a sexy looking female character.
Yes, it's that bad.

Anyway, my self esteem has gotten worse and worse (partially because my skin is terrible)
and on top of that, my mood swings have gotten completely out of hand.
I get FURIOUS over the smallest things. I over react about everything. And the sad part is, i KNOW that i'm doing this. but i can't control it.
I think "Ok why am i mad" and instead of being reasonable, i think of OTHER reasons to be mad.
I also don't build up. I just start at 0 and go straight to 10.
Why am I so angry all the time?

It's really ruining my relationship. It's making my boyfriend want to move out. He doesn't WANT to, actually, but he can't live like this.
And instead of being nice, or worried, i say "then i can't stop you" or "just leave then."
why would i do that? Of course i don't want him to leave.

How do i change? what's wrong with me?
and how can i fix what is wrong?

I'm not making a lot of money. in fact i'm not even making enough to pay rent right now.
Are there free clinics that can diagnose these kinds of things, and give me medication for it?
I know something's wrong. This can't be normal for a human to react this way.
I don't want to be like this anymore. I really hate myself. I want to be a sweet, loving, caring person that i used to be, even though my parents treated me like they didn't love me.
They DO treat me like they love me now, and i've turned into this monster. Please help, i don't know where else to go, what else to do..


Answers


Guttershark
97 days ago
i'd also like to add.. And i'm not sure if it's at all relevant but....

Another issue i've been having lately (And have had for a while)

is my nearly non existent sex drive.

I NEVER feel like having sex.

It's not that it's completely unpleasant (it's not pleasant but i don't care about it)

but i NEVER feel like doing it or anything.

a lot of times i feel gross, i'm a bit of a germophobe.

But i just am never easily aroused, and i never just feel like having sex.

it's also taking a bit of a toll on our relationship. (He feels like he can't do anything with me, we barely even cuddle.)

i'm afraid to cuddle because i don't want to have sex.

The other night i was afraid we were going to and i had a massive panic attack in the bathroom because i hadn't showered all day.

is this because of depression?
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Chemar
96 days ago
Hi there

sorry to hear you have been going through this

It really sounds like you need to be talking to a professional therapist (psychologist) about all these emotions and see what they suggest.

It's not unusual for depressed people to feel a lack of sex drive, but also having a complete physical, with blood work to check your hormones, etc may be a wise move.

Are you eating healthy and getting enough vitamins, minerals etc and moderate exercise...all those are important to a healthy body and mind
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bella
96 days ago
I agree you need a complete checkup and discuss with your doctor how you're feeling. Having a few sessions with a therapist or counselor would help - sounds like you still have some pent up feelings regarding your parents split. Often when kids see their parents life crumble, it can make you cynical. When kids see parents divorce, it makes them wonder how much hope they should have for relationships themselves. Depression can lower sex drive as Chemar mentioned.

How do you feel about your body? This can also affect sex drive. While you're at the doctor, gets some treatment for your skin too, since this also affects self esteem. You can also look up fighting fairly websites, but both of you need to use the strategies. Good luck.
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Callmefame
96 days ago
My current boyfriend was exactly like you. Minus the sex drive part. He would get mad at me for every little thing. He would always point out the things I don't do for him instead of the things I do for him. He too, had a past that wasn't good. But he was stuck in the past. All his anger from his past had built up and unleashed it self. He use to say how he hates his self. He was hot and cold. Now he's not like that anymore. With the help from the salvation army meetings he attended and the medication, he's not 100% a easy going person, but he's 85% there. I was also a good support system for him. I would constantly compliment him encourage him, and I never gave up on him. Now don't get me wrong he did say some hurtful and mean things, but I choose to not dwell on them. Cause then I will get depress and would be living my life in the past. Ones past life can affect and damage ones future. If they allow it to. You too will get through this. Take care and good luck.
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Aiai
91 days ago
my therapist told me, people with depression, often have low sex drive, but in some cases it could be addicted to sex.

beside depression, I do agree that you should check a therapist (psychologist) for your issues, it is very important, mental health is equal to physical health... check with your company or your state for free services.
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