i feel like life is in general too hard for me sometimes
either that or i'm to slow.
even my manager at work thinks so. he said so himself refering to me "he's not quick".
and whenever i make a mistake he'll say "you're killin' me" which I know is the politically correct way of him saying: "WTF you retard".
i hate life. i hate everything. there's so many things in life i cannot see past. everyone i've ever met thinks i'm odd, stupid, slow, or weird.
i hate social situations. everyone says i'm quiet. they'll kind of joke saying i'm a 'big talker'. i just don't understand... it's like i'm missing the big picture about something. i'm not really sure if i can trust people. i can honestly say i wouldn't doubt it if they talked crap about me behind my
back because of all the times i keep screwing up.
i seriously don't know how to respond to people sometimes. i mean, for example if someone walked up to me and said "i like your shirt" i know the right
thing would be to say thanks, but i'd rather just say "ok". like who cares, you share the same opinion as me. i just dont get it.
i really feel like i am 'slow' or sometimes i really do wonder if i am just simply a stupid person and cannot do anything about it.
i was considered a special ed student in school. i was placed in classes where other students actually had obvious disorders like ADD.but it's
different for me. it's like i wasn't fit for mainstream classes but i'm not retarded.
i thought about cutting myself again after screwing up at work today. sometimes i just want to quit and leave by saying that it is too much for me to handle
juggling school, work, and my other personal problems. i dont know how i would even go about doing that. i don't even have the balls to anyway. how pathetic.
i have the lowest role in my job and i only work 12 hours a week, 4 hours a day. and with the way i react to the stress you'd think i was working 8 hour shifts
left and right.
today was my moms birthday. i didnt know it was today, i didn't even know how old she turned. yet my sister buys her a card and gifts. all i did was sign the damn card. like whatever, someone just turns a year older and i feel sorry because i am 'supposed' to be all cheerful. my mom picked me up from work, i walk in the house and my sister urges me quickly to sign the card for her... and then after that, not even knowing it was my mom's birthday as if it even should matter to me and after the crappy day at work i literally just started crying.
i just dont understand the world. i feel like i owe the world an apology but i'm not sorry for anything.
I'm not always like this, though... when i am not worried that much, i usually feel very optimistic about my life. like over-confidence sort of, even though i try to be a realistic - purposely pessimistic to anticipate what the worst possible situation i can get myself into...
i don't know anymore. i get that feeling like "i cant believe this is happening right now" even when i type this.
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