Nothing seems worth it anymore. I've lost all my important people and its been ripping me apart. We don't speak anymore, they've been completely ripped out of my life, a thousand miles away. My family is strict and demanding, school is the only word that is used around here. I only find solace in sleep. People talking to me feels like a burden and school is getting less and less important to me. It's not worth it. I feel like dying. Before I thought it was stupid but now I'm starting to feel so alone and empty. An eternal darkness would be better. The only thing that is stopping me is the pain and the status of my family. I wouldn't want them to pretend to grieve over me when I'm gone and have a suicidal kid etched in the family name. My life feels like a hole that is hollow and empty. I can't enjoy anything anymore. Please help me. I'm scared.


Answers


series0
1649 days ago
silentrose,

You are definitely coping with a lot right now, both grief at your loss of friends and the unending extremity of your isolation and lack of joy.

You would probably benefit from talking to a therapist. Is it a possibility that you could ask your parents to find you a therapist? This could also be a great way to broach the subject of your tense emotions rather than revealing any thoughts of suicide or the like.

Incidentally, you seem to have an excellent command of writing and vocabulary, a flair, if you will. And that observation also makes me want to ask you - who did you mean when you said, "We don't speak anymore ..."? Is that a specific friend? Also you say, "... they've been completely ripped out of my life". This seems to indicate you are barely controlling some anger. You probably need to recognize that anger and find a way to be comfortable with it. Don't let it stay knotted inside you and erode your joy. It sounds like that already may be happening.

I am very sure by the way that even if your parents don't act like it now or they fail to show it in a warm way, they really do love you, and they would not be JUST pretending to grieve if you took your own life. Their pain would be very real. But I think I can detect in your words a healthy realization that for you suicide has presented itself to someone with a good imagination and a sense of her own value too strong to give in to anything so horrid and pointless.

You are seeking solace? That is fantastic. Look around you and dare to see beauty and wonder in every way that you can. It's all around you. In every moment there is beauty and wonder even if sometimes there is also pain and doubt. Sometimes the balance of the two is beauty itself like a rose cut from its stem and living its last moments in a vase.

Don't worry though. You cannot be cut from your source. As long as you allow yourself to see it all around you, you can sustain yourself with beauty and wonder. Often it is tempting to engage in despair because so many others are not seeing the beauty or they are actively blocking their own sense of wonder. Its sad.

I highly recommend that no matter the cost you realize this: how you feel is you own responsibility. It may sound overly simple or even rude to you right now, but you can decide to feel joy, you can decide to witness the wonder around you and let it lift your spirits.

One superior step in this direction is to realize that negative emotions like fear and doubt are meant to be experienced only briefly. When you start to feel them, do not indulge yourself in self-pity and sadness too much. Stop the addiction to these negative feelings and simply decide to distract youself with positive things and move on with your happiness. I do not mean to say by this that there is no proper time and place for negative emotions. Just dedicate yourself to experiencing them only briefly. Do not wallow!

Part of the beauty you might consider searching for is a new friend. It sounds like you need one. Open your eyes and look. Engage other likely and maybe some not so likely people. You may be the wonder in their life to. Imagine how that will make you feel. Make it your mission!

Also, if you'd like to learn a lot about yourself and what motivates you and others then try this website and take the free test:

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/

Then read the sections on your dominant personality types. Then maybe see if you can read the other types and figure out what types your parents are. The enneagram can be a fun tool for understanding why people do what they do.

Regardless,

I understand your fear right now. You feel alone and uncertain. Never be afraid to post here and reach out to people. There are those all around you who will help. I hope I have helped in some small way. Take care of yourself.

Good Luck!



bella
1649 days ago
Hi Silentrose,

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and scared. You recieved good advice from Series0. Would you mind telling us your age, because I'm trying to understand if you're in University or a teenager at boarding school. You sound very depressed and I really think you need to see a doctor - you can also speak with school counsellors. When someone's depressed it can change their thinking and the way they see the world. Please don't wait to see a doctor.

I hear that you feel very disconnected and misunderstood by your family. It might be they just don't realize you're as strong as they thought. I think you need to tell them how you're feeling. Sometimes depression can take over making everything seem negative. I encourage you to tell a trusted adult how you're feeling and go to the doctor on Monday. Are you eating well and exercising? In the meantime here's a good link:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/



Chemar
1648 days ago
Hi

so sorry that you are feeling this way

In addition to that very helpful website that Bella gave you, I also wanted to let you know of an anonymous toll free phone number that you can call anytime you need someone to talk to or feel suicidal

1-888-747-8336

I do hope you will reach out for support as you are doing here and maybe consider joining the forums here too to connect with others. Just click the Community button above. Do also consider discussing what you feel comfortable to with your parents, and let them know you feel you need to start seeing a therapist. If you dont feel able to talk to them, maybe talk to your school counselor and see if they have suggestions for you. Most importantly is not to face this alone as that will just feed the depression and hopelessness you are feeling.

It may also be a good idea to go for a physical and bloodwork at your doctor. Often things like hormones, or even poor nutrition, can escalate our emotional upheaval.

I am not sure that I fully can agree with the website suggested that categorizes people into these fixed character "types". I believe we are unique individuals with personalities that are formed by many aspects of our environment and life, and yes, our genetics too. But we all have the capacity for very dramatic change, both positive and negative. I have seen that in my own life and that of others...I am *very* different from the person I was when I was younger and not even the same as I was 10 years ago!

so please dont just see yourself thru the lens of what you are experiencing now, but try to discover things about yourself that can inspire and fulfill you. Perhaps there are talents to develop, abilities to explore?

I really hope things will get better for you :)

We are always here if you need to release more.



Edahn
1612 days ago
Silentrose, your newest question is inaccessible because of the title. If you can resubmit it with another, more specific title "Need help repost" for example, we could answer it.