My sister, Vicki died very suddenly in December, 2008; it was a huge shock and it has left very single member of my family feeling depressed. Before I start, I should mention that I am only sixteen.
I have two other sisters; and since Vicki, my relationship with one of them has changed quite significantly. Whenever we are in the same environment as each other, she NEVER talks to me; I mean, I could be in the room for hours and she will not say one word to me. And when she does say something to me, it is usually to criticise me or say something horrible; now, I've been told on numbers of occasions that it is because I can be anti-social at times. Which can not be the case because even when I am in the same room and talking to her, she normally just replies to me with one-word phrases and with a very cold response. And it is upsetting me very much because we used to have such a great relationship before Vicki died.
I have told my parents about it on several occasions and they think that because I'm a teenager and their youngest child that I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I'm over-exaggarating the situation. However - I feel that today, my parents must have been more depressed than usual because they actually rang my sister to get her to talk to me about it (they were totally on her side and they accused me of being the one causing trouble) and my sister just talked to me like I was lying b**ch, and making all this stuff up and a horrible person. I quote she used - "how dare you" quite a lot Instead of making the situation better, it made it completely worse.

This leads to my second problem:- I have tried on several occassions to talk to my family about my grief and other problems that I've been having (my dad, my mum, and my two sisters). I can't talk to my mum because if I do, she just starts crying and my sister's death has made her emotionally mental. And one time, when I tried to talk to the same sister that I've been having troubles with, she just said to me "look, I've got my own problems to deal with; I can't deal with yours too." So, I dropped the case there and then. When I've told my family that I wanted something to listen to, they just accuse me again of feeling sorry for myself, being selfish and over-exaggarating. This is the way that it has always been, I have been seeing a consulor but I really want someone that has experienced the grief to be able to talk too.

Anyway, me and my mum got into an arguement due to this and the events that happened with my sister; she said "do you not realise that i have my own problems?" (and I do because that's why I've never told her much before because I know it makes her upset). Now - my parents are accusing me of causing troubles in the family (with my sister because she is not happy with me for making her look horrible) and they are not speaking with me. I'm just feeling so depressed and lonely, I can't stop crying; and yet - they are choosing to ignore me. (i don't mean this to sound selfish, trust me). I feel like my parents are choosing her over me and they hate me.

All I want is someone to listen to me for once, so I don't have all these horrible feelings stuck inside me and do something that I regret. AND i want me and my sister to have the same relationship that we used to, anyway - I'm sorry that it was so long. Please, I would appriciate any advice (positive or negative)


Answers


bella
1734 days ago
Hi Becety,

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister. I think you're absolutley right, you definately need a grief counsellor to talk to and I think your whole family needs counselling as well. When a loved one passes every member grieves in their own way and this makes it difficult to interact normally with each other. But life goes on and you have your own problems and if you and your family haven't dealt with your grief - then family problems will become magnified or not dealt with at all. To put it more simply - I think you're getting lost in the family structure. There are problems of daily living, but no one in the family can deal with it because they haven't dealt with their grief adequately yet. The stress that's happening now is a symptom the family isn't operating as a unit. I think your sister is angry and probably feels she has to step in and co-parent because your parents can handle the stress, because of your sister's death.

You say you're seeing a counsellor - is this through the school? You're right you really do need someone who specializes in grief counselling. It really does help to talk about your feelings. How old was our sister and how did she die -if you don't mind sharing? Have you thought of doing a special tribute, like a scrapbook or a tree planting? Tell the counselor you're with now, you want to explore grief counselling. Have you tried talking to your sister - maybe you could write her a nice letter? You're welcome to talk here as much as you like. I also encourage you to join the forum section of psychcentral - they have a grief and loss forum there. I hope everything works out for you. Bella