Avatar Posted by Jake 67 days ago (Question)
I met this girl on match.com back in Feb. She was a nursing student working on her degree. In HS she was very active as a thrower on her track team, and also very active in Karate. When I met her, she was beginning on her downward "spiral". She was getting into drugs and I think she was making "toxic" friends. It seems that there are two major causes to her depression. The first is, she told me that her father was abusive to her as a child. The seccond is back surgery that seems to have caused chronic pain.

When we first met, all was going well for a few weeks. Although after a few weeks she stopped responding to my voicemails and text messages, but every few days. After this went on for a week or two, I told her that I couldnt handle this and communication was key. We stopped talking for about a week, and I needed to talk to her. Meanwhile she had the back surgery that did not work out as planned. It took a few days for her to respond but she did. We talked a few times on IM and we made plans to go see a movie. I went to pick her up, and she was sleeping, her brother told me at the door. I knew she was on pain killers that "knocked her out" so, I lived with it. A few days later she was in the hospital for her pain. I went to visit her there which seemed to go well, although when she got discharged she was embarrassed and would not talk to me for like a week. Since then we have talked a little on IM, but not on the phone. Then she told me that she could not handle a relationship with me because whemever we talked "i made her feel bad". Really I was just trying to be honest to her about my feelings, but I dunno.
After she told me to leave. she was in the hospital for her back, and then she was on the psych floor. When all that was over she IMed me to tell me where she had been and to apologize for her actions. It was here that she told me she was depressed. We were talking on IM again a little and one day it rained and I had the day off. So I sent a message that I was home that day and asked if she wanted to go to a movie. A few hours later she responded to say that she was in the ER. She had been having suicidal thoughts and wanted to play it safe and go there. She said she understood if I didnt want to talk to a "chick that is in the nuthouse". I did go to visit her in the ER that day. That was 8 days ago. I have tried to call the hospital, but they cant tell me anything unless I have a PIN number for her. I dont have any way to contact her family, so I gave up on that option. I do send her daily messages that I miss her and that I hope we can talk soon on IM, but she wont get those until she gets home. In a way it upsets me that she wont talk to me, but I know it is part of her being depressed and I am hoping that she will get better while she is hospitalized. Am I hoping for a relationship that wont happen? My parents tell me to let her go, and find other "fish", but I cant let her go yet. Some opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.


Answers

Written by Thumbelina 66 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Jake,

Depression is difficult for someone on the sidelines to understand, especially if they have never experienced it themselves. I am bipolar, which means I have had both depression and what's called mania or the opposite of depression. The first time my husband ever saw me in a depressive state, he was very confused and scared. He didn't know what to do to help me. It took a lot of patience on his part and a lot of learning before he began to understand the nature of the illness and what he could do to help me.

If you are interested in persuing a relationship with this girl, my best advice for you is to leave a message for her to let her know that you would like to talk to her as soon as she feels up to it. Right now, if she does not feel that you can be supportive to her, she will not contact you. Usually, when I've been in the hospital with depression, the only people I want contact with are those who I am very close to. That is usually my family and maybe one or two close friends. It is a stressful time. It would be best if you do not pressure her at this time if she does not want to talk to you.

It could be that she will not contact you. However, if she was experiencing the onset of depression when you were first going out, it's possible that you never even saw the "real" her. And, it's possible that, because of the abuse she suffered as a child, this might be the beginning of a new period in her life when she wants to work with a therapist on recovering from that abuse and won't have the energy to invest in a relationship. It's hard to say for sure at this point.

All you can do is wait to see if she contacts you. Why is it that you feel that you can't let her go? It may turn out that you might have to do just that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Written by Jake 65 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you for your response. When she lets her personality show, she is a wonderful person, that is why I care deeply for her. I guess I could let her go, but I want to hear her tell me that she needs "space".

Written by duck 65 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I would really think about how much you value the developing relationship, and if this is something you're willing to deal with permanently. It certainly will cause relationship strain down the line.

On one hand, I feel that people in this state need to be there for themselves right now. If they can't function as an individual, how can they function on a relationship?

On a second hand, I appreciate that you care for this year. She has some issues, and you need to think about if you have the patience and desire to stick around as a dating partner. You could just be friends, or maybe it will last. You could be friends until she's ready for a relationship. Maybe she'll contact you, or maybe not, but it is admirable of you to have visited her/contacted her and been there for her as a friend/fellow human. The ball is in her court now, and hopefully she'll swing it back to you when/if she's ready... and you're willing.

Written by Clyde 48 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I definitely am appreciative of how you feel and definitely can understand HOW you are feeling.

However, as Duck said, she basically does need to take care of her self at the moment, and not so much think about relationships of any kind, other than the one about her and herself.

You may just have to give her some time, allow her to heal, and let her know you are there for her.

Best,

Clyde


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