Not really sure what to start with but here we go. I am a 17 year old girl. Ive discussed my anxiety issues in some of my old posts. I still have problems with anxiety but i wouldn't say that is as bad as it was before. I'm now on a generic for Effexor that i take 2 times a day and generic for Colodopen that i can take if i need to to calm down. These do help the anxiety.
My parents are fighting a lot. Everyday they are screaming at each other and now my dad is supposed to leave. I'm still having problems dealing with my sisters death that happened nearly 4 years ago, she had brain cancer and it effected her spine. She couldn't walk for a year and a half and couldn't do much with her left arm. It was devastating watching her waste away.
My niece and nephews have lived with us since then and they are always fighting, getting into trouble, and don't listen to me. They house is always really chaotic.
The house is very difficult to keep clean because honestly I'm the only one that really does any cleaning other than dishes and some laundry. That makes it really hard when there is 8 other people living in the house. It used to be I had to have the whole house clean or I couldn't spend any time with my boyfriend on the weekends.
I have developed some bad habits trying to deal with things. For the longest time I just punched or scratched my legs when I got really upset. About 4 months ago I cut myself for the first time. I was in a situation where I felt really bad over hurting a boy I was with. I was very upset and angry at myself so it was like a punishment thing.
Now the cutting has become something that i resort to when i get upset or angry at myself. I have been cutting on my upper left hip. Right now I have about 35 cuts there some are scars and some are trying to heal. Most are under an inch long. A few are probably about 2 inches long. I don't cut very deep just enough that it will bleed some.
I also don't eat right. This started about a year ago when i started getting bad anxiety 'spells' lasting about a week at a time. I would be anxious constantly and couldn't eat very much if anything. So I would end up losing like 5 pounds in a week. Now It has become something I'm used to i don't each very much. A little or nothing at school lunch then a little at home. I have lost over 60 pounds in the last year. It needed to happen I'm down to a normal weight now for my height and to my goal weight. Even though i met my goal I'm still not happy with my body. So I'm pushing to lose 20 more pounds but ill see if I'm happy with it then. I don't think i can stop eating like i have been so what if i cant stop losing weight even after I'm down to the weight i want to be.
When i went to the doctor to check up on my medication for anxiety my mom told the doctor i get weak and feel like I'm going to pass out sometimes. The doctor asked if i was eating breakfast and drinking enough water. My mom knows and told her i don't eat breakfast or much at all, or drink enough water. The doctor told me i was dehydrated and needed to. I have been drinking more water but no more food than usual.
I've had suicidal thoughts more than i used to. Sometimes i really just want to lay down and die. Ive actually thought about cutting and letting myself bleed out or taking too many pills.
Well about 4 days ago my boyfriend broke up with me. He said he couldn't take the distance anymore. Usually we got to see each other on Saturdays but sometimes it was 2 or 3 weeks before we could see each other. I have school I'm a senior and he has collage that he started this year and work. He also said there is a lot going on in his life and he doesn't want to drag me down with him.
I think the breakup was mostly my fault though. I mean i kind of stopped communicating with him. Not telling him things that were on my mind or problems I was having. I was going through kind of a depressed time and I couldn't tell him about the cutting or things like that. I have problems getting close to people so i don't know it just hard for me too and i have a tendency to drift away once I get close to someone.
He said he really does love me he just cant do this right now. I love him and i need him. He said he will always be there for me and he doesn't want us to stop being friends. I understand why the breakup happened i just wish it hadn't. Now my mom doesn't like him.
The night he broke up with me i was devastated i still am. I could feel it was coming i just really didn't want it to. I took half a colodopin to try any help me calm down. I freaked out that night started crying really bad and cutting myself. Ive got 7 cuts from that night. One went a little deeper than i usually go and started bleeding kind of bad just more than usual.
I got scared it wasn't going to stop. This made me sick at my stomach. I ran downstairs to the bathroom. I was still crying and very upset. I thought i was going to vomit so i was on my knees. I got really weak and dizzy then i had my hands on the floor too trying to balance myself. My heart was racing and i was having a panic attack i think. I thought i was going to pass out or die or something it scared me. I think i was literally breaking with reality i thought the walls were falling on me i could see them moving downward almost like they were starting to melt.
I'm just glad no one was up to walk in on me like this it was about 4 in the morning. If some one would have they would have freaked out seeing me on my knees on the floor trying to balance myself and freaking out.
I thought my problems were bad before but no. Now i think I'm losing it. I think I'm having a breakdown. Home is crazy, Still dealing with deaths, hurting myself, losing the one person I've loved and tried to get close to, anxiety, bipolar symptoms, not eating right, not having very many people, and parents breaking up and always fighting. Mom has a lot of heath problems dad has some too. It just seems like you lose everyone you care about.
I just cant do all this anymore. I need to get out of this house and get myself straightened out. I guess i just need some advice and need to know if it sounds like I'm breaking and need professional help.
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