ever since I can remember as kid, like 1st grade, I've always day dreamed the same thing, hoping someone would kill or something. When i here stories in the news of this person murdered or killed in an accident, I say in my head lucky bitch, how come i want to die and would be content with dieing but here I am still living and someone that didnt want to die gets my wish. Those moments when I'm laying bed before I fall asleep, I'm going through stories in my head where I get hurt. Its a fantasy of mine that I get extremely hurt or die. Even though I grew up with a wonderful family and I have no sob life story to explain why I feel this way. I have a respectable profession. I have no financial struggles. I have had a great life but ultimately I feel lonely and that no one cares about me, regardless of my family and boyfriend telling me how much they love me. But then I also feel like I dont want anyone to care about me either because I dont want anyone to sad when I die.
When I look at the list of symptoms of depression, I dont really relate to any of them. I've always participated in sports since I was young. I dont like to sleep for long periods of time because I feel like its a waste of daylight. I dont have low energy or fatigue unless its because of work or exercise. I do feel worthless.
I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about my thoughts of suicide and wanting to die but he doesnt want to hear it and tells me I should see a doc. The thing is I'm not a person who can easily open up and explain my feelings.Its hard for me to explain everything to my boyfriend so I'm not even going to waste my time with a stranger (therpaist) that I will not open my true feelings to.
So I'm pretty much just venting in this post because I dont want help, I just want my lifelong wish to come true of me dieing. I have no one I can truly express my feelings to so I post most of it here. I dont wear my seatbelt when I drive hoping I get in a wreck and die. I often think about grabbing one of my boyfriend's pistols and its so easy to just pull the trigger and its done.
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