ever since I can remember as kid, like 1st grade, I've always day dreamed the same thing, hoping someone would kill or something. When i here stories in the news of this person murdered or killed in an accident, I say in my head lucky bitch, how come i want to die and would be content with dieing but here I am still living and someone that didnt want to die gets my wish. Those moments when I'm laying bed before I fall asleep, I'm going through stories in my head where I get hurt. Its a fantasy of mine that I get extremely hurt or die. Even though I grew up with a wonderful family and I have no sob life story to explain why I feel this way. I have a respectable profession. I have no financial struggles. I have had a great life but ultimately I feel lonely and that no one cares about me, regardless of my family and boyfriend telling me how much they love me. But then I also feel like I dont want anyone to care about me either because I dont want anyone to sad when I die.
When I look at the list of symptoms of depression, I dont really relate to any of them. I've always participated in sports since I was young. I dont like to sleep for long periods of time because I feel like its a waste of daylight. I dont have low energy or fatigue unless its because of work or exercise. I do feel worthless.
I've tried to talk to my boyfriend about my thoughts of suicide and wanting to die but he doesnt want to hear it and tells me I should see a doc. The thing is I'm not a person who can easily open up and explain my feelings.Its hard for me to explain everything to my boyfriend so I'm not even going to waste my time with a stranger (therpaist) that I will not open my true feelings to.
So I'm pretty much just venting in this post because I dont want help, I just want my lifelong wish to come true of me dieing. I have no one I can truly express my feelings to so I post most of it here. I dont wear my seatbelt when I drive hoping I get in a wreck and die. I often think about grabbing one of my boyfriend's pistols and its so easy to just pull the trigger and its done.


Answers


bella
729 days ago
Hi - usually if a person's suicidal they're usually also depressed or have some other mental illness. Most of the time, its incredible emotional pain that drives the suicidal feelings, so I'm trying to understand where this is coming from. I believe we're meant to live our life, even during the worst times. What are you grateful for?



Missy121
729 days ago
For me, I feel that opening up to someone I don't know well helps me more since I can talk without any judgement or bias. That being said, it may be completely different for you. You never know until you try, but if it's an absolute "no", then there are other options too. You didn't say anything about the things you like to do. What makes you happy? If not happy, what at least makes some of the suicidal feelings go away? It's important to find those things in your life, because sometimes the simplest activities or projects will make you feel loads better. It's great that you exercise regularly, by the way. Keep that up.

Reply back with some of your hobbies, or something you've always wanted to do but never had the chance. I hope my thoughts helped, I wish you the best of luck!



skyetalley
722 days ago
Opening up to someone does help a great deal. Also, finding someone in the same situation helps as well because they can help you cope with your issues. Keeping everything in is the worst thing you can do. It is hard to let it out, but in the end it will be better. Keep your head up.



prowlerk43
714 days ago
Sounds like everything is good except for the fact that no one is excepting you for everything you are. You may very well have depression but you may even realize that you are a thrill seeker seeking it in the wrong areas. You probably feel neglected because no one is willing to work through problems with you. People who should and that is not your fault. If you arent afraid of things then try thrill induced activities like sky diving, bmx, paintball ect. Involve your man and go to counseling together if you two are serious so he can understand and learn how to be patient with you and be there in ways you need. Most of all do not ever feel guilty for respecting and loving yourself. Overall having confidence in yourself can make the biggest difference.



derickwade
689 days ago
Have you ever acted on this desire to die? I'm sure if you took the time to read the reponses above to your question you didn't find them helpful as they seemed to offer the very advice you stated that you didn't need or want. The advice to not feel guilty about loving yourself (when you don't love yourself and therefore can't feel guilt over something you don't feel). Telling you to have confidence in yourself ( You feel worthless, where the hell are you supposed to magically acquire this confidence?). Also, you're boyfriend may tell you how much he loves you, but talk really is cheap. If he really loves you he will SHOW you by not being such an ass when it comes to listening. He loves you yet can't allow himself to feel uncomfortable while STILL listening to you talk about things that are extremely personal and vulnerable. I'd rethink that relationship.