Avatar Posted by EvangelinesLost 85 days ago (Question)
I am not sure what my mother has she is for sure Depressed, Bipolar and has ADD (actually diagnosed by doctors.)

So, I have been feeling very lonely and depressed and every time it gets bad--like to a point where I just break down--I talk to my mom. But she is immature, and really I have to parent her, it is like when I am sad she turns the conversation to herself and will make it all about her. She cares when I am sad but not like a mother should. Also when I am being 100% serious and trying to tell her I am depressed and need help or about what I am sad, she will start watching and talking about the dogs we have. Every time it gets serious or it is about me *and it is not semi interesting to her* she stars interrupting and going off to her own world. She is on medication for her ADD but it doesn't help... I feel like no one listens, and no one cares about my problems, every time someone has a problem I listen and comfort them but when it is my turn to need comfort they shun me. I want to see a therapist but my moms insurance won't cover it and I can't switch to my dads until beginning of next year, I don't know what I should do, or who I should talk to

P.S Don't say sit your mother down and make her listen, I do and I have but once it is over, it is like I never said a word.


Answers


lovesux
84 days ago
I wish you had someone who would take time to listen to you. I feel sorry for you. I hope your mother realizes this one day. I am so into depression because of love failure. Wanted to die when I had no one to vent out my anger and pain but I found peace in prayers. Prayers and meditation help you a lot.

Hope I could be of some help to you. Take care. God bless you.
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Sketch
83 days ago
That sounds like a really difficult situation you're in. Not hopeless, though. There could be a variety of reasons your mother is responding to you this way. The reactions you described when you try to talk to her shout directly to her ADD diagnosis. It's best not to diagnose people with what we think they have, and leave it to the doctors. Since her ADD has been confirmed, honestly it sounds like that might be the biggest issue.

Being quite similar to you, I know how frustrating it can be trying to communicate with someone that has ADD, especially when everyone comes to you with their problems, but it seems that you can't go to them. While your sensitivity and listening skills will be greatly beneficial to you eventually, that's not helping you right now.

Since her meds clearly aren't helping, she may want to get reevaluated or discuss alternatives with her doctor. Meds, like anything, are hit and miss...sometimes it can take a while to find the right fit. But that is something she needs to do - you can't do that for her. Something that I think might help you is to read about the symptoms of ADD, even if you already know them, just because it will create some objectivity for you so you don't feel so hurt by it (because this really isn't your fault). Also, having her hold onto something, like a stress ball or a heavy marble, while you talk to her can help. Having her physical attention on one object can help her mind be attentive to you. When dealing with someone with ADD, it's best to (and probably most difficult!) try to be brief. One person I can maintain a conversation with for about 15 minutes and another I only get a few minutes. But knowing their time limit has helped a lot. Even if you don't get everything out, that's totally fine because just take a break, give them a break, and come back to it.

If ADD is what's causing her reaction (it really does sound like it) these things might help.

Another reason could be that she is just really, really uncomfortable talking about these things with you. It's certainly not fair, but it's also not your problem. Sometimes people can feel so weirded out about serious conversations that they react in hurtful or insulting ways. Perhaps you could directly ask her "Why do you interrupt me when I try to talk to you?" or "Why do you talk about the dogs when I need help?" Asking that way -direct, calm, short, and pointed - could be easiest for her to answer. Once you know, then you can both go from there. If she doesn't give you a direct answer and changes the subject, maybe writing everything down into a letter for her would help. It's something physical that can't be forgotten, like a verbal discussion is.

As far as you talking to someone...there are programs (some local, some state) that can assist you with costs. Payment can be based on a sliding scale, so they will figure out what you can afford based on what income there is (this is excellent for people without insurance). I don't know your situation as far as school/college/out of school, but if there is someone available in that sort of setting, I think you should talk to them and see what your options are.

Online support groups are another beneficial outlet for those of us with depression (or any other M.I.). Some people think that if it's online, it's not effective, but it seems those people don't remember that there is a person behind the other screen. People do genuinely want to talk and get help and help themselves! Some forums/sites should be avoided, but this one is good and has wonderful information. If you don't have age restrictions, CrazyBoards.org has a wonderful forum full of supportive and knowledgeable people.

It takes time...everything takes time, work, and patience, but it's worth it. You seem very smart and compassionate, so I don't doubt that you'll be able to get through this and maybe even develop some additional skills along the way. Good luck to you.

-Sketch
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Gaishan
74 days ago
The older I get it seems the more bi-polar people are out there. Or perhaps just that it's being diagnosed better these days.

I too grew up in a bi-polar's line of sight, not a good thing by any means, confusing, and scary, and always surprising, you never know what kind of behavior you're going to get from a bi-polar. I grew up alternately loving and hating my mother, but now that I am independent I do not visit her any more than I am emotionally prepared for, and that is a saving grace for me. Bi-polars need boundaries, and without them YOU are the one who gets hurt. Be gentle with yourself, and if you are able to, begin a notebook to write in when you need to unburden yourself, if you don't trust her to leave your notebook alone, then tear out the pages when you're done writing and tear them into little pieces and throw them away somewhere other than your home. My mother would have reconstructed the bits of paper, that's how manic she was/is.

The key to living with bi-polars is to mother yourself, our expectations for a bi-polar mother to be a true, loving, caring, concerned parent are simply NOT going to happen the way our injured self needs it to happen, and so you must learn to care for the child within you, and release your expectations of what a parent should be....for a bi-polar never can be that. I would also suggest a great book to help you understand in a small way why your mother acts the way she does, and how you can at least understand to some degree what is going on in her head.

The book is....Understanding the Borderline Mother, by Christine Ann Lawson

the book is available through any bookstore, I bought mine on Amazon and have in turn purchased 3 more books for friends who've dealt with similar parents. It was recommended to my sister who recommended it to me.

Best of luck, just remember, there are others who have dealt with similar people, and lived to become emotionally stable and happy people.

-Gaishan
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