Just about my entire life, I have had no desire to live. Every day is tedious, unfulfilling, and meaningless. I have no passions, no dreams, no interests, and no purpose. I literally just grin and bear each day. Some days are easier than others.

I'm not suicidal. Honestly, I wish I was selfish enough to kill myself. Unfortunately, I realize how severely suicide affects victims' families. I could never consciously hurt someone that badly. That being said, I really do wish for my death. I just can't be the one to cause it.

The only happiness in my life is the fake joy I constantly project to people around me. While I know I have many things to be grateful for, I have nothing that actually makes me happy. I'm 24 years old and still living with my parents. Until a few weeks ago, I had a great job; it was a position that any young person could only DREAM of having. I quit because it was making me so depressed, I was hardly able to function. I HATED it. Now I have no job and my parents are harassing me about what I'm going to do with my life. I have no clue and no direction. It's not like I haven't tried enough different stuff. I've been involved in pretty much anything you could think of. The thing is, the few things that I don't completely despise, I find extremely boring. I really wish there was SOMETHING in my life that I enjoyed doing or wanted to achieve. The only real dream I have is that I could die.

I would like to point out that most of the time, I am not actually sad or depressed. The constant lack of happiness does not mean I am always sad. Very often I am ok. I'm usually only miserable when I have to work, think about what I will do with my life, or think about my love life.

Concerning my love and social life, I am extremely unsuccessful in these areas as well. The only person I've ever fallen in love with now wants little to do with me, and most of my 'friends' avoid me because they think I'm obnoxious. I don't think/function like most people do; very few people can tolerate more than a few minutes of interaction with me a week. I'm alright with having no friends, but the thought of being single forever and never having a family of my own really gets to me. I haven't 'given up' looking, but am beginning to realize that I'm going to have to live life alone. Most of my 'friends' are already married and thinking about children. I am yet to find another person who even enjoys my company. It's frustrating because people always show interest in me at first. I'm a pretty attractive person, and people are drawn to me because of that. However, as soon as they start to get to know me, they realize that my looks aren't worth dealing with my craziness. It hurts knowing that your personality is SO BAD, that you drive even the shallowest of people away within the first few weeks of knowing them. It only intensifies my desire for death.

I don't know what to do. I have no future. I have no interests. I have no desires, neither material nor goal oriented. I want to die. I say this because of careful reasoning and thought on the subject. This is not a rash, emotional statement. I've calmly and rationally thought about it for years and that it my conclusion. I live only to avoid hurting my family. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me? It really doesn't seem like there's anything I can do- other than give myself what I want and kill myself, which I am not doing. I'd rather patiently endure a painful, lonely, and empty life.

Thanks!


Answers


Psychalore
964 days ago
Hello.

Though you have been repeatedly mentioning that you want to commit suicide,I do not think you are subconciously really want to end your life,given the fact you come here and seek advice.Your problem is FEAR.You are constantly fearing a new day in the every moment you wake up in the morning,fearing how to deal with your parents,interpersonal relationships,job and the issue of having a family.Your statements show you are a truly intelligent man--you can share your problems online and know rationally the consequence of suicide.You got the job your comtemporaries are dreaming of and you are good-looking.Please realize you are among the luckiest people on Earth.

In my personal view,perhaps your parents have high expectations of you all the 24 years.They have been planning and shaping your life all the way and all what you did is to meet those expectations.You may harbour grudge against them,though you probably do not realize it.Therefore,you think so negatively even others around you can sense it.That makes your personality seem a bit unapproachable.LIFE IS MEANT TO PURSUE LIGHT.What you need is a positive attitude towards life.If you can afford financially,I advise you to travel individually to a distant place where you can stay away from your parents,anyone familiar with you.Meet new people and try to discover what you are interested in.

Please remember you are such a bright person with many great reasons to live happily.Your conditions are not so bad as you think,you just exaggerated everything in fact.

Kill the idea of suicide,rather than kill yourself.

All the BEST.



Chemar
964 days ago
Hi

it sounds to me like you would benefit greatly from a few sessions with a psychologist to help you work through just why you feel as you do.

It is all very well for people to suggest you lighten up and be positive etc etc etc....but you have clearly expressed that despite having many reasons to do so...you are not able to and rather find yourself having a negative and dark perspective. That is where a trained therapist can help....as they will not try to pressure you to change your attitude but rather to delve into why you have it, and then, with that enlightenment, hopefully the steps will start for you to find a place of peace with and within yourself. You cannot be what others want you to be.....but you can be the best you possible.Finding that balance is not always easy, but it is doable, especially with a non-judgemental and skillful professional guiding the process.



PamInChrist
942 days ago
You are a strong and courageous person, able to think for yourself and not carried away by the mainstream society. Good for you, God has blessed you to be this way. The 'boredom' that you feel is not what you think it is. It is a peace and rest of your soul, not having to strive over any thing, to just let things be, which is the way of surrender and faith in God. Pain and suffering comes when we have selfish ambition, seek to fulfill our selfish desires... all of that is but an illusion, no one person on earth who has not overcomed his own fleshly desires can be happy. He lives to feed the beast in himself and the beast grows bigger and bigger and harder to please the more he is fed and grows... do you get my drift?

To come to this state of total unselfishness, where you can just be an emptied vessel, God can use you for His good and great works, to help other people to also overcome themselves. Self is evil. We cannot live for self and expect to be happy or at peace. Be grateful for you are a very special individual. Take pleasure in observing the things around you, ask God to show you the meanning of it all, in Him there is always meaning. He wants someone whom He can use. He will teach you things and show you His purpose for your life. Ponder on the life of His Son Jesus Christ, He did not come to serve Himself but He came as a servant although He was The Son of God. He came to show us an example of what LOVE of God is. Love, friend of Jesus Christ.



unhappy1968
942 days ago
I am 44, and I feel the same - want to die, but can't do it myself. Not religious, picked on by all of my family members growing up, and in school from 3rd grade on for being small and nerdy. Grew up, and now fat and nerdy. I don't even want to read about "how to be happy" because I don't care. Lately my mother has been more depressed as well as my father and I have moved back with them 2 years ago as I am not working. Now that I am feeling less and less cared for...I am wondering more and more if I care about who I upset. Good luck, I hope you find your way to happiness.