Just about my entire life, I have had no desire to live. Every day is tedious, unfulfilling, and meaningless. I have no passions, no dreams, no interests, and no purpose. I literally just grin and bear each day. Some days are easier than others.
I'm not suicidal. Honestly, I wish I was selfish enough to kill myself. Unfortunately, I realize how severely suicide affects victims' families. I could never consciously hurt someone that badly. That being said, I really do wish for my death. I just can't be the one to cause it.
The only happiness in my life is the fake joy I constantly project to people around me. While I know I have many things to be grateful for, I have nothing that actually makes me happy. I'm 24 years old and still living with my parents. Until a few weeks ago, I had a great job; it was a position that any young person could only DREAM of having. I quit because it was making me so depressed, I was hardly able to function. I HATED it. Now I have no job and my parents are harassing me about what I'm going to do with my life. I have no clue and no direction. It's not like I haven't tried enough different stuff. I've been involved in pretty much anything you could think of. The thing is, the few things that I don't completely despise, I find extremely boring. I really wish there was SOMETHING in my life that I enjoyed doing or wanted to achieve. The only real dream I have is that I could die.
I would like to point out that most of the time, I am not actually sad or depressed. The constant lack of happiness does not mean I am always sad. Very often I am ok. I'm usually only miserable when I have to work, think about what I will do with my life, or think about my love life.
Concerning my love and social life, I am extremely unsuccessful in these areas as well. The only person I've ever fallen in love with now wants little to do with me, and most of my 'friends' avoid me because they think I'm obnoxious. I don't think/function like most people do; very few people can tolerate more than a few minutes of interaction with me a week. I'm alright with having no friends, but the thought of being single forever and never having a family of my own really gets to me. I haven't 'given up' looking, but am beginning to realize that I'm going to have to live life alone. Most of my 'friends' are already married and thinking about children. I am yet to find another person who even enjoys my company. It's frustrating because people always show interest in me at first. I'm a pretty attractive person, and people are drawn to me because of that. However, as soon as they start to get to know me, they realize that my looks aren't worth dealing with my craziness. It hurts knowing that your personality is SO BAD, that you drive even the shallowest of people away within the first few weeks of knowing them. It only intensifies my desire for death.
I don't know what to do. I have no future. I have no interests. I have no desires, neither material nor goal oriented. I want to die. I say this because of careful reasoning and thought on the subject. This is not a rash, emotional statement. I've calmly and rationally thought about it for years and that it my conclusion. I live only to avoid hurting my family. Does anyone have any thoughts or advice for me? It really doesn't seem like there's anything I can do- other than give myself what I want and kill myself, which I am not doing. I'd rather patiently endure a painful, lonely, and empty life.
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