Avatar Posted by Mona 100 days ago (Question)
My son was killed in Iraq on 12/20/06. He was 21 years old. It's almost 3 years now but I'm sad and I hurt more now than when it first happened. I miss him all the time. I can't even talk about him without crying. I hardly sleep. At night it's worst. All I do is cry for him. I don;t know how to deal with this any more. I hardly leave my house anymore. Some days I don't even get out of bed. I don't want to. I just want him to come home or every thing else in the world to go away. I was once a very secure, confident, and independent single parent. My daughter would describe me as having a bubbly personality. Now, I just exist and I know that that is very unhealthy. I'm emotionally, physically, and spiritually stripped. I've taken antidepressants, talked about all these emotions, and listened to every thing that people have said to try and help me. I know that there is a way to get thru this but something else is just not right. Something I am not dealing with. Like something I'm suppressing. I need some one that can help me. I have a younger daughter who needs me. She needs the Mom she once had back. She's 21 and my oldest daughter is 33. They tell me "Mom, Myles is gone but we are still here and we love you and we miss and need you." They tell me Myles would not want me to be like this and if he could see me I would be breaking his heart. I really want to get well I just miss my friend, my son.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 100 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I so very sorry that you lost your son. I'm a mom too and I don't think as parents we're ever prepared for our children to die. I think the only one who would understand your pain, is another parent who's lost a child. Have you joined a support group who have lost children in the war? Grief is a very personal thing and everyone does it their own way. I think you know though that it's time to progress, where you can live your life.

You seem to be very in touch with your sadness, but I'm wondering if you've been in touch with your ANGER. It may be that you need to express and release how very mad you are that in regards to his death.

Your daughters are right, your son wouldn't want you to ruin your life and your children do need you. I'm wondering also if it would help to start volunteering in a grief support group - you would be helping others at the same time helping yourself.

I think it's important to eat well and exercise even if you don't feel like it. I would also recommend meditation and deep breathing exercises. You can also try keeping a gratitude journal - this would encourage you to focus on the positive things in your life. We need to live in the moment and not dwell in the past. I think it's important to remember your son for the person he was, instead of focusing on the sadness of his death.

Truthfully who will never be like you were before -this isn't a bad thing. There's no doubt bad things happen to good people - no one's immune to pain and suffering. I've also had my share of pain and suffering - my philosophy is - even bad things can teach us something about ourselves and others. I also believe in human strength and we can choose to give up or RISE UP in the face of devastation. Another thing I believe is the spirit of our loved ones are truly at peace only when the living have finally come to terms with their death - this is a good reason to feel better. Your son was obviously very special and I think you should remember him that way. I hope you finally reach that peaceful place. Hugs, Bella

Written by Edahn 97 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hello,

I was inspired by your post to write about closure, which I think is the answer to your situation.

Here's the post I wrote, which I would love for you to read: http://www.theamateurpsychologist.com/2009/08/importance-of-closure.html.

Here's a post I wrote a few months ago on the subject of grieving that I think you might benefit from: http://answers.psychcentral.com/story.php?title=how-do-you-let-go.

I think that thinking you have to "get something" or "get something out" isn't necessary. It may not even be the right time to find that. For now, I think you owe it to yourself and to your daughters to commit to moving forward and reminding yourself of the stuff you still have, rather than the stuff you are missing. You can still keep your son in your heart, but I believe you can keep him in your heart and still collect your energy and your life and find a reason to live and hope that will one day be happy, even if it seems distant right now.

Let us know how you're doing?

Edahn

Written by bellacutie 97 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

^^^^^

I read both posts and you gave excellent advice - good job Edahn :D

Written by Clyde 84 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am very sorry to hear about your son.

Is there any one in real life that you can contact, such as a therapist or psychologist?

Grieving takes different times for different people for different reasons, too.

Best,

Clyde

Written by mariah 83 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My son was killed in Iraq in 2007. I am getting through this because of my faith in God. My son is gone but he is not forgotten. I choose to remember the funny times and all the wonderful times we talk and spent time together. He is absent from his body and he is present with the Lord. Absent means that his body is dead, but his spirit lives on. I know I will see him again. Love up on your daughter because she needs you. Tell Jesus to tell your son that you love him. Go on with your life, include it with the memories of your son. You will find that each day with get better and better. Please grieve, but don't allow yourself in stay in it for a long time.Crying helps relieve grief. Then go on until you have to do it again. This how the Lord helped me go through. Get some christian books on grief. By the way, if you have not accepted Jesus Christ as you Lord and Savior, you can do so right now. Confess that you are a sinner and ask Jesus to come into your life and save you. It will make all the different.


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