Avatar Posted by Rinoa 43 days ago (Question)
i dont know where to start..

im 22 married to a divorced man we have a daughter 7 months old.

i feel unhappy with my marriage now. i think on cheating on him.

i was his mistress and he divorced his wife because of me. but im not happy now because we have a lot of problems.

he has to pay his exwife and his children every month and this is pissing me off.

he`a always thinking i dont know what is he thinking about but when i ask him he says its a money matters.

i now doubt if he is still inlove with his exwife and that he regrets his marriage with me.

im tired.. tired of thinking.

i just saw his exwife`s letters in his drawers. with my letters in the same drawer.

should i divorce him?


Answers

Written by Chemar 43 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

my goodness! are you seriously begrudging his ex-wife and children the financial support that they are both legally and morally entitled to???

You were the "other woman" who caused the break up of his family, and now you have him and want to cheat on him???

Whether you like it or not, he will always have a connection to his previous family. He is those children's father!!

If you and he were to split...would you not want him still involved in the life of the daughter you share?

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but it seems to be you really need to try maybe seeing life through other people's eyes, not just your own. I dont know what other problems you and your husband are having, and if you feel your marriage is worth saving, then perhaps you should consider seeing a counselor together

I do hope too you will stop to think of your daughter in all this.

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

he doesnt give money now i have to work for the expenses while he`s paying those child support.

the problem is i dont think that what i did was wrong because he told me lies about he was single and told me the truth that he was married when i was already pregnant.

if i wasnt pregnant that time and i knew he was married i surely broke up with him.

i just love my daughter that`s why i didnt had an abortion instead i took him away to his family.

is that wrong?

i have the right to be happy but happiness is so elusive to me.

i had a traumatic childhood experince i dont want it to happen with my daughter.

Written by Clyde 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Chemar...you are upset that he is sending the kids money?

Come on!

You guys both screwed up a marriage and now you wanna leave him? Why? Is the excitement gone?

He will always be tied to the kids because he is their father.

Please look through his eyes and theirs. If you both separate, it just makes it look like you and he know nothing of love, nor nothing of what you are talking about.

Dont mean it harsh.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bellacutie 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

This is a VERY prickly issue with me - I don't have alot of patience for people who cheat. Here at PC you'll get very honest answers and most of don't sugar coat issues. I agree with Chemar and Clyde. You have alot of nerve begrudging his ex wife and kids the support they deserve and are entitled to by law. Do you have any idea the mental torment you've put his ex wife through?? She deserves every penny.

You never should have married him - you're too young. Sure it was exciting when you were cheating, but now the reality of life is setting in. Now you see it's not that great anymore. You need to examine your morals and integrity and figure out, what you want for you and your daughter. If your husband divorces you and finds another young lady - do you think it would be fair to stop supporting you and your child?? Welcome to real life and grow up!!

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

why i shouldnt married him?

Written by bellacutie 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I think you're not ready for the reality of married and family life. I also think a man who cheats, will eventually cheat on you when he gets bored with you.

Written by Chemar 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi again Rinoa and thanks for explaining more

yes, your husband was wrong to deceive you into not knowing he was already married when you started your affair, but I also dont think he made the wisest choice in divorcing his existing family to marry you because you were pregnant. For him to provide for you and your child would have been his responsibility.

But as it went the other way, it is now his responsibility to provide for his other family as well, and that really is not something that you should begrudge them.

I think the biggest issue I have is your stating that you feel the solution to your not being happy about your relationship with him t is to cheat on him. Honestly, that just sounds so immature and irresponsible a reaction!

No-one is "entitled" to happiness...life just doesnt work that way. Our happiness in life has much to do with our attitude, and how we deal with good times and bad times.

As someone who has experienced the extremes of both, I have learned that contentment sometimes is a state of mind rather than circumstances. If you decide to try to make the best of things, you can often turn things for the positive.

I realize there are circumstances in life where that "rosy" approach is much harder, but honestly Rinoa....from what you have wriiten and given what some people in life are facing....you really have very little to complain about.

The man left his family to "do the right thing" by you, and you now have a family. If you want to be happy, you either have to try to be caring and supportive and make this work with him, or go to seek counseling to help make it work.

And if that doesnt help, then yes, maybe it would be better to part, sad as that would be to cause another innocent child in all this to lose having their father in the home.

but going out and cheating is plainly juvenile and how he got you into this mess in the first place!!!

Written by bellacutie 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree cheating certainly isn't the solution here. It's unfortunate the he lied to you like that and worrysome that he may continue to lie in the future some time. I've calmed down a little and would agree that you need to find a solution to what's happening now.

You need to search your heart and figure out do you love him enough to stay with him or not. The first thing you need to do is accept that he has to support his ex wife and children. She's not your enemy and you need to feel compassion for her and the kids. This means you need to encourage him to support them financially and in giving his time to see his kids. This will make things easier and less stressful for everyone concerned.

The next step you need to take is improving communication between you and your husband - on your own or with a counsellor. Having a new baby is wonderful but it also puts incredible stress on couples. It's very common for couples to feel neglected during this time. You sound like you're feeling pushed aside and under alot of stress. You're longing for the passionate connection you once had. It's very important to stay connected as a couple and find time for each other. I want you to understand this isn't a competition between you/your daughter and his ex wife and her kids. All of you need to communicate civily for the sake of all the children. When you let go of those hostile feelings it will be much easier for you.

You need to decide do you want to stay married or get out. Cheating is the last thing you want to do. If you want attention and excitement - please open the lines of communication and support each other. Good luck.

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

i dont know if i still love him.

i hate him.. why i cant forgive him? i looked at my daughter`s face sleeping peacefully i dont want to hurt my little angel, i want to work this marriage but the lies he told me is unforgivable.

i want to forgive him but how?

i hate him very much. and its hurting me.

Written by Chemar 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Rinoa

if you felt this way about his lies then you should have resolved this before you married him rather than allowing the events that followed to occur...did you pressure him into marrying you after you found you were pregnant with his child?

Forgiveness is a choice. It isnt always easy but it is possible.

And honestly, if you hate him this much, then perhaps the best things for both of you is for you to let him go. Hatred in a marriage, especially with a child around, is a very ugly thing

he messed up by having an affair with you while he was married...he messed up BIG. But for you to keep punishing him is not going to solve any of your problems...only make them worse.

I really hope you are able to let the unforgiveness and hatred go....IMHO that is the only way your marriage stands a chance of surviving

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

i didnt pressured him to marry me. he asked me so many times to marry him but i didnt said yes.

i said he should go back to his family but he didnt because the divorce case was filed already.

but then he divorced and when i gave birth to our daughter we married.

Written by bellacutie 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

As the famous saying goes - "there's a fine line between love and hate. What exactly do you hate him for?? That he had a wife/kids when he met you and wsn't truthful? I agree with Chemar - hatred will hurt you/daughter the most. I think you need to get into counselling either by yourself or with your husband.

Written by Erin 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Tell him to go back to his wife!!!

http://www.cadz.net/tony.html

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

i`ve already did that.

Written by Aneohoh 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

absolutely! Let the guy go back to his family.

He should get down on his knees and beg his exwife to forgive him...

Do the right thing....

let him go.

Written by Rinoa 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

but what about our daughter?

Written by Chemar 42 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Rinoa, dont you think she may be better off with a mom who isnt unhappy and angry with her dad all the time?

He would need to provide support for her.

But you and he need to be honest with each other FOR HER sake!

Having her grow up in a loveless home, with animosity between her parents can do her a lot more harm than being with her single mom, with support from her dad. Hopefully your husband also loves her as much as you do. Having two parents who love her separately is a lot better than having them hating each other under the same roof!

The whole situation is so very tangled. Who knows if his first wife would even consider ever taking him back after this hurt and trauma of divorce.

If you feel there is hope for your marriage and that you are able to forgive and move forward with him, then you have to be willing let go your anger toward him and your resentment toward his support for his previous family. But he also needs to *want* to stay with you. If his heart is back with his former wife and kids, you need to let him go and move forward with your daughter, keeping as good a relationship with him as you possibly can, for her sake!

Written by Rinoa 40 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

we talked and he told me that he wants to stay with me.

he told me that he doesnt want a divorce.. he`s just too many problems he owns a company and it`s in a critical state. that`s his probblem. he never told me that coz` he doesnt want to worry me.

Written by Clyde 41 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I dont think the daughter thing will be a whole mess, especially at her age.

At least the two of you can still meet with each other, and he can see the daughter.

I can understand your worry, but you should be able to keep her and he can have visitation rights.

Realize that all of what we are saying does not matter a bit unless you do it. You have two choices, either do none of it, or all of it. Matter of fact, you have three--you could do some of it.

So why not pick out the things you think might help you and go from there?

Best,

Clyde

Written by Chemar 40 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

it is good that you and he have talked Rinoa and that he has been honest with you about his worries.

Now that he has told you that he wants to stay with you, I hope you will be able to put aside your feelings of hatred and unforgiveness and try to build a good marriage.

Hopefully being able to release your feelings here has helped you see things in a more clear perspective

wishing you all the best


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