Avatar Posted by Jen29 32 days ago (Question)
I am a 30 year old female who has been diagnosed since the age of 17 with depression. A few years after that I was diagnosed with BPD, severe depression, and severe anxiety. And then just a short time ago I was diagnosed with PTSD, and possibly DID.
I have been in Therapy for over 2 years now and I see a psychiatrist once a month. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and my dad is coming along for half the session. I am scared to death.
I have been having a lot of racing thoughts and self-harm issues. I also have A LOT of suicidal ideation running through my head. In the past week I have taken extra pills to not kill self, but to see if they would hurt me. I haven't told anyone that I have done this. I also cut very often. When i take the pills I don't cut...so I feel that is much safer.
I have been in the hospital probably over 30 times since the age of 17. I do not want to go back there. My Pdoc says he doesn't know what else to do with me. My Therapist and I have been working on some really HARD issues. I just want the pain to STOP NOW!
I really want to take a bunch of pills right now, but I already won't have enough for the rest of the month.
I am scared and don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
Jen


Answers

Written by Clyde 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Please do not take those pills.

Realize that things could get a lot better after tomorrow. Contact 1-800-SUICIDE and talk to them, and see what happens.

Also, go to http://www.metanoia.org/suicide and realize that you are worth fighting for.

I dont like the idea that the PDoc said he dont know what else to do with you--there are always other choices.

GOOD CHOICES!

If you take those pills, that will make the things with your dad worse, right? So, dont do it. Understand you are so worth fighting for.

Best,

Clyde

Written by JunieBeatrice 32 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi. It is so hard when therapy is dealing with the hard things. I know that is what it is supposed to do but it sure can make the cutting, and the self destructiveness and the suicidal thoughts worse, can't it? Why is your dad coming for half the session? Is that making you anxious? Your therapist will be there for you. Try to find some comfort in that. Try not to take more pills than you are supposed to. It won't help. I know that the pain is really big right now, but it will not always be. You are taking some great steps to get better, going to therapy and going to a pdoc. Sometimes I think when pdocs dont know what else to do, they might not know what they are doing. Is it that the medication isn't working? Is there something else you can try? I agree with Clyde. I do not like that he said to you that he doesn't know what else to do. He should refer you if he is out of ideas. Don't give up. Keep trying. Keep living. Keep talking. I'm listening. All my best. Junie

Written by bellacutie 31 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with the other posters about never giving up. You should take a look at the self injury forum at psychcentral-it has alot of helpful information -read the 'sticky' posts at the top. If your therapist is out of ideas, then he should refer you to someone else. I understand how therapy is painful for you - but it's necessary to work through the pain to get over it. We humans are so afraid of physical and mental pain, but if we relax and except the pain - this will make it more tolerable. There's also lots of self help techniques you can do to help yourself. Check out the link Clyde gave you - I recommend it also many times - it's a good one! Best of luck, Bella.

Written by Jen29 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the kind words. I have gone to all of those sites many times. I try and really think about what I am doing. I try to push these thoughts out of my mind. I just got done with my therapist and she is really concerned because all of this has turned into wanting to die so bad. I told her that and she said to call her if things get worse.

I actually asked my dad not to go today because things are pretty bad right now, and he understood. I even came home and told him how I REALLY feel. My T and my dad both don't want me to go to the hospital and I do NOT either, but they said I will go if I need to. I have some decisions to make, and don't know what to do right now.

anyways, thanks for your thoughts.

Jen

Written by Jen29 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the kind words. I have gone to all of those sites many times. I try and really think about what I am doing. I try to push these thoughts out of my mind. I just got done with my therapist and she is really concerned because all of this has turned into wanting to die so bad. I told her that and she said to call her if things get worse.

I actually asked my dad not to go today because things are pretty bad right now, and he understood. I even came home and told him how I REALLY feel. My T and my dad both don't want me to go to the hospital and I do NOT either, but they said I will go if I need to. I have some decisions to make, and don't know what to do right now.

anyways, thanks for your thoughts.

Jen


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