Avatar Posted by allsmilz101 114 days ago (Question)
My question is simple, but complex. I was raped by my boyfriend when I was 16. I started cutting because of it. Once i said no the first time and he didn't stop having sex with me I gave up saying No. I did eventually break up with him, but still continued to cut. I cut off and on. I can go a month, 2 weeks, but i always seem to mess up. Will i ever get over cutting and wanting to urge to hurt myself? I feel like I need to get over my past, but i don't know how. I have gone to counseling, but it takes me forever to open up and I feel like I'm wasting his time, so I don't want to burden him. Plus I'm afraid of him judging me.


Answers

Written by bellacutie 114 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Perhaps you need to change to a different counsellor - I think you would relate to a woman counsellor much better than a man for obvious reasons. You mention being afraid of being judged and I don't think anyone would judge you.

For the cutting I would recommend going to the 'self injury' forums of this website. At the very top of that forum are 'sticky' posts which have very helpful suggestions and alternatives to cutting. One thing I've learned is cutting triggers the release of endorphins - the same hormone that's released with exercise, which induces a natural temporary high. So the trick is to trigger that endorphin reaction without cutting. They also recommend keeping an impulse control log which you can print out.

I recommend that you start exercising regularly especially when you feel that urge. Another thing I recommend is taking up martial arts or a self defense course which will give you self confidence, to know that you will be able to kick the next person's butt if they try to hurt you. I was almost assaulted by my brother inlaw when I was 13 and had several other close calls. Now that I'm a mom of 2 girls my 11 yr old is almost a brown belt - I want to make sure my girls know how to protect themselves.

Please consider changing cousellors and take a look at the self injury forums. This was not your fault and you can learn how to empower yourself and be well again. Best of luck.

Written by allsmilz101 113 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything. I know that everything happens for a reason and works for the greater good of God. But i wonder why sometimes. I would change to a different counselor, but i would feel bad changing. I go to a university and its free. There are only two counselors, him and a women, but I have heard the women is not that good. Plus, i only have one semester before I am done, therefore i will not be able to see either of them. Anyway, I would be afraid i cant be truly honest with any counselor about the way i think(i think about suicide but i know i never would do it) I cant tell counselors that. They have to report stuff like that. However, I did tell Tim(my counselor) I thought about not being here in a session and the next time i saw him he asked if i had any thoughts like that. Of course i told him no. I just cant be myself with anyone.

I would love to go to someone else outside of the college, but I'm still on my mom's insurance and I'm not sure if it would cover it. Also, she doesn't know any of this, so I dont want her to know about counseling.

I have tried running before, but sometimes my "urges come at night, and i cant just get up and run while I'm in bed.

I'm glad you got your girls into martial arts, sounds like a good idea. Thanks you so much for replying. I appreciate you taking the time.

Written by zanzivar 113 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

When I feel like harming myself, I write it all down and hand it to my counseller. They can read it in their own time if they want to.

I also reckon that it is comfort you are looking for after being raped. I know that I was when I was raped at 15. That year was the worst year of my life. I was raped by five different individuals after getting a job in the navy. One was my boss, another was a doctor and three naval officers. I have huge issues over that year today and constantly get flashbacks. I don't know if I will ever get over it but I hope that you will allsmilz101.

I used to cut myself after that because I blamed my arms for not being strong enough to stop the rapes. Subconciously you could be thinking this way as well. Don't whatever you do blame a part of your body for what happened to you. Men are really strong and you would have to be a martial arts expert to be able to defend yourself from them. Do what Bellacutie told you to do and get to some form of self-defence class. Imagine all the power you could have in your body and the grand strong muscles you could have rather than a bruised body from cutting. You don't need to do that ever again. You are far better than that.

Zanzivar

Written by allsmilz101 113 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I would love if I could do that with my counselor, but i feel awkward if I did. Cause i know the point of counseling is to talk about my problems, but it hard for me at times.

I'm sorry to hear that you were raped too. It's something you just cant get over, I think it something that needs to be worked through.

Sometimes I even question if i was raped, because it was my ex boyfriend. Like I said no once, but then now i try to analyze the situation and maybe he never heard me. However, my counselor said well he knew u didn't want to and i kept journals saying that i never wanted sex.

I wish it were that easy. Ive struggled with cutting so long. I'm 23 now and it should be behind me, but its still on my mind. Perhaps, I need to try harder.

Thanks for replying! I really appreciate it. Have a good day.

Take Care and God Bless!

Written by Clyde 110 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I can understand you worrying about burdening him, but that is part of the beginning of therapy.

By giving your therapist the chance to better understand you, you also give yourself the chance to get better.

Could you print this out and give it to him--your post, I mean? Would that be easier than telling him face to face?

Best,

Clyde

Written by Chemar 17 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, and especially that the trauma you suffered still has you hurting yourself.

please try to open up to your counselor. you need to be able to release it all so that you can begin to heal

are you sure you cant talk to your mom? You are her child and she loves you and yes, although this will shock her...still she can hopefully be there for you and help you


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