Avatar Posted by poorjon 60 days ago (Question)
I've been married 30 years but I can't continue this marriage anymore. I'm 59 and she is 55. She has had depression for last 5 years. Since she began to feel lower back pain together with insomnia 7 years ago we are using separate rooms because of my snoring. And it turned out to be depression. I have been very supportive and never even thought about leaving her because of her illness. Actually her depression is under control now. It is not the depression but the life style from now on until our final stage that I have conflict with her.

Since she got the treatment for all the problem, she never got out of bed until late afternoon on her day off, and she is having all the meals at her work place. And she does not want to go out anywhere because she feels tired all the time. For last 5 years we probably had had 5 intimate contacts at most. But it doesn't bother me at all as long as she is not in that critical mood, I have no problem keeping the celibacy even though I am physically as normal as 20's.

But I have to have something which enlightens my life to be enjoyable. With her medical condition I don't even care for money or any possessions. I need something to keep the rest of my life meaningful and enjoyable. So finally I decided to change the course of life and make a move. I had a dream for all my life to live in adventurous life which I never even have done close to that. After careful research I found Ecuador might be a ideal place to live and enjoy the rest of life. With low cost of living and good medical facilities available we can live without financial difficulty, and it has rain-forest, high mountain, and tropical coast in the size of Nevada. And the climate is perfect for all year around.

I was stunned by her response to my suggestion to move to Ecuador when I retire at 62. Her answer was absolutely 'no'. Her explanation was we have to save as much as possible to make a living at the last stage of life and she will continue working at least until 65 or more. And she is expecting me to work at least 69 for that reason. And she said I came out that idea because I don't like my job and I am circumventing the problem instead of taking as challenge. Then she start telling me I am indifferent to her pain and very self-centered, which she deeply resent me and feel sad.

After watching her suffering every day for at least 5 years, I am kind of being used to her pain. And there is nothing I can do to ease her pain except picking up her medicine and hugging. It's not I am indifferent or selfish but I am the one suffering also. I told her it is harder to watch her suffering than I am suffering from illness. It has been mental torture to see her going work while taking all those pills-depression, anxiety, insomnia, and back pain- every day and she is half gone whenever she comes home from work. Her driving is getting dangerous too.

She was wonderful person and I deeply love her. I just don't want to continue to live like this another 10 or 12 years. We have some savings but it is not feasible for any one of us to stop working because astronomical cost of medicals in US. In reality we have to work to keep the medical insurance, not to save any money. So I am having a moral dilemma.

For the love and faith to her do I have to stay with her and continue this torment until we die or can I go on to fulfill myself for a single life we are given? And if I leave her would I be free from any guilt without any regret? I am pondering month after month and we are rarely talking each other now, I think I will get the depression eventually. I have had tough life since I was born but this is the most painful emotional crisis I can think of.

I need help. Please give me some insight.



Answers

Written by Chemar 60 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It's very hard when one is in a situation like this.

I am not sure what your marriage vows were but for most it includes that line "in sickness and in health..... for better or for worse....."

If you feel that you need to uphold that vow, then you need to do everything you possibly can to sustain your marriage.

If you feel you have done all and want out...well, that really is a decision only you can finally make.

Have you and your wife been to counseling? It seems there is no real communication between you and so perhaps an objective and qualified counselor can help.

Have you spoken to her doctor at all? Perhaps the medication she may be taking for depression is producing these unwanted side effects. Some antidepressants can leave people very tired and lacking sex drive

I hope you are able to work this out

Written by Thumbelina 59 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hello PoorJon,

I do agree with Chemar that there are issues here serious enough that you should consider speaking with a marriage counselor, both you and your wife. These are very high stakes and the entire marriage rests on some of the decisions you are wrestling with. Also, as Chemar pointed out, your wife's medications may be interfering with your communication and sex life. I do understand how lost you feel and that for you there is little "marriage" left. But please consider counseling. A third party's opinion is just what you need to help you with these issues and can offer counsel on other things that may improve the marriage.

I wish you the best of luck.

Written by Clyde 46 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Yes, please consider counseling? Maybe you both could go to Ecuador on a vacation--if you could get her to go, and then she may change her mind a bit?

Best,

Clyde


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