Avatar Posted by bbwaki 31 days ago (Question)
I'm thinking of ending my life almost everyday. I've been married for 9 years. My daughter will be 4 in December. I love her more than anything. My husband is sweet, and He still love me at lot. in my life. I growed up dealing with lots of hopeless situations, and family issues. I once tried to kill myself when I was 12, by injecting air into my vein with a syringe. Obviously, it was unsuccessful. It hursts too much, I ended up flushing the syrine and the needle into the toilet. I have never tell anybody until I was about twenty something. I was often make a joke about it, thinking how stupid I was then. Life doesn't get any better as I get older. Family issue, hopeless situations, financial difficulty...I guess everybody in this world has this same problem, right? It's hard, but I took them as if that how life is; I thought I was well trained to endure and overcome almost everything. I've tried my best to make things work, to have a happy family of my own. I do have a happy family, even that we're poor but we still know how to make it fun to enjoy our lives together. I don't care what my family, my friends, his family, his friends, or whoevers thinks of us, or if they ever pity us. As long as, I believe in my future, still have hopes, then that's fine.
But recently, I become weird. I'm overwhelm with my own life. I loss all my hopes, my interests. I don't want to do anything, even thing that I love the most (like traveling). Nothing can make me excited. I'm hopeless, motionless. Even if I win the lottery, it may not be excited as it s/b, I still want to die. I'm sick of my life, that's it! I was thinking of my daughter, will she be ok without me, and if my husband is a good father, will he able to take good care of her...I think they'll be fine. Almost every night, I went to bed and hoping that I wont wake up next day. I even have plans for ending my life. I want to live as somebody else, but not as me, not with this life.
What is wrong with me? What can I do? Please advise
Please forgive me for my english.


Answers

Written by Chemar 31 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I hope your love for your precious little daughter will keep you holding on to life, nomatter how hard!

If you are able I hope you will see a doctor. It sounds like you are deeply depressed...not just the down feelings everyone has at one time or more, but what is known as Clinical Depression. This can be caused by many things, and as you mention you had feelings of despair as a young person, it may well be you have had this a long time but that it is becoming more intense now. A doctor would give you a physical examination and do blood testing to make sure all is in order....sometimes for us women, just our hormones being out of balance can do very big things with our mental state! Often depression is a result of not enough serotonin in the brain and there are medicines and also natural ways to increase that, which often makes people with depression feel so much better.

also, as you mention the many things from your childhood that happened, being able to talk to a trained therapist about all this, and have them help you really could be life changing for you!

I know you said you have financial struggles and so perhaps you dont have health insurance? but if you do, I hope you will make an appointment with your doctor soon. If not, you may be eligible for medicaid, or be able to go to your county or state health clinic where they charge only based on your income, so often affordable.

I would also like to tell you about a website to help with the suicidal feelings http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I do hope you will continue to reach out for help....you are the only mom your daughter has and she needs you! I pray that she will never have to grow up without her mommy, and that you will find hope and strength to keep living.

Written by mimi772009 31 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Definitly tell someone and seek professional help. You are depressed and there is help for that and hope for your life! I can tell you right now, if you commit suicide your daughter will never forgive you and she will not be okay without you. I have learned this first hand. Please don't ever do that, there is hope, and you will get better, even if you don't think so now. Tell your family and a counselor about your feelings, you need others to help you through this emotionally. When someone commits suicide, it doesn't just end their life, it ends others around them too. It destroys their chance at happiness.

Written by bellacutie 31 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with the other posters. I'm going to be very honest and blunt with you here - because I feel your situation is very serious.

First I would like to say, I know the pain of suicide very well because I lost my brother to it a year and a half ago. It's devastating to family and friends!! If you love your daughter - then you will NEVER kill yourself. I agree with the 2nd poster - your daughter will never forgive you and she will carry this pain around all her life. She will always feel that you didn't love her enough to live. Do you want that for her??

I'm sorry you had a painful life before you got married. You can't let the past ruin your future. It's obvious you're very depressed - so you need to get help ASAP. Many people have crappy lives but they keep going. A year ago I remember reading about a family in my country who had 3 kids. They recently went bankrupt and the mother convinced her husband they should kill the children, then she would kill him, then herself. Well she failed at killing herself and is now in jail. I've also read of other cases where people have killed themselves because of money problems. I can't understand that!! Money isn't worth your life.

There is no option of suicide for you - because you chose to have a child. You owe her the chance of a good life. Please go for help immediately. Are you on medication? Did your depression get worse after the birth of your child? Maybe it's postpartom depression - it can strike 0-4 yrs later.I would like to ask you a question - do you want to RUIN your daughters life?? This is what would happen if you take your life. I'm sorry if this appears harsh but you need to realize the consequences of such a desperate action. I hope you get help!! Bella.

Written by Cody 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

One of my friends just committed suicide. It was horrible, he was 20 years old. I used to play basketball and ride four wheelers, go to the lake with him. His dad was a good friend of my dads. Him taking his life was very devastating to everyone around him. His mom.. his step dad, and even his younger sister who adored him so much. Not to mention his friends like me. Please don't do it. Not only do you hurt so many other people who care so much about you. but I was very skeptical about saying this... but based on what I believe in religion, your soul could go to hell. You could suffer for all of eternity. God forgives so many things but not suicide. Again I'm sorry if you don't believe this but I do and it is very serious. Suicide is one of the worst things to do, afterall god put us here for a reason to help one anothers and to believe in him so that one day we can all live in harmony in the after life. Believe me you don't want to do this.. and believe me the longer you hold it in without telling anyone close to you the worst its going to be.. you need to tell someone so they can help you. Hope this helps. God bless. I'm 19 years old and I know if I lost my mom to suicide, I would be lost as well, hurt, I would be enraged, doubtful of myself, b/c I feel that I should have protected her... children feel very strongly towards their parents and loved one... so do parents to their kids... but believe me you don't want to do this. I don't know what I would do if I lost my mother, I would probably go insane and do something that I would regret. Your daughter would most likely think some of the same thoughts. I know I would hurt every single day of my life after that... and I'm sure her, and everyone in your family would too, if you did. I'm begging you not to. Again, god bless, you show hope by coming on the internet and getting ppls opinions, I know your strong enough to get through this.

Written by Cody 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

You have to put the past behind you. Its not good or healthy to always think about negative situations from past experiences. I used to think that way to. It almost destroyed me b/c I was so ashamed of it, that I didn't want to move on, but I found the strength to move on.. I told myself that I can't live in the past anymore, and I finally just stopped thinking and worrying about it, b/c I set my mind to it, I told myself that I'm going to get better and I'm going to change no matter what. Its better to think about the positive side of life that what matters the most.. in your case I believe it is your family, I know you care for them so much, based on your description. I know you are trying but giving up is not an option, keep focusing on the positive b/c the more you focus on the negative the worst its going to get. Take it from me. I've been thru a lot.

Written by Cody 30 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm begging you not to kill yourself.

Written by Fpsy 30 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi bbwaki,

as others have suggested you sound very depressed to me. That is the cause of your pain. Depression can be treated, you can learn how to manage your painful thoughts and feelings.

You say that even thought your poor, as a family you do know how to have fun, and enjoy yourselves. So it is possible for you to get back to that stage in life.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. When you’re feeling extremely depressed or suicidal, problems don’t seem temporary – they seem overwhelming and permanent. But with time, you will feel better, especially if you reach out for help.

You can choose to live, but first it is important that you find some relief from your pain. To do that, you will need to find a way to increase your connections with people who will listen. Even if it doesn't feel like it right now, there are many people who want to support you during this difficult time. They won't try to argue with you about how miserable you feel or to just "snap out of it". They will not judge you. They will simply listen and be there for you.

Reach out to just one person. Do it now. Use your 24 hours or your week, to tell someone what's going on with you. You can call a trusted friend, family member, minister, rabbi, doctor, or therapist. It doesn’t matter who it is, as long as it’s someone you trust and who is likely to listen with compassion and acceptance.

Even if your suicidal feelings have subsided, get help for yourself. Experiencing that sort of emotional pain is itself a traumatizing experience. Finding a support group or therapist can be very helpful in developing strong coping resources for the future.

I'm not sure what country your in, but here are some helplines to call.

Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433). These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Remember that while it may feel as if the depression will never end, depression is never a permanent condition. You WILL feel better again.

Have you spoken to your husband about how you feel. You say he is a kind and loving man, will he understand how you feel, can you speak to him, without him judging you. If you can, tell him how your feeling. If you can't, just ask him to accompany you to the doctor, priest, therapist or your local hospital emergency room.

In the meantime, here are some things you can do to cope with your suicidal thoughts and feelings:

* Talk with someone every day, preferably face to face. Though you feel like withdrawing, ask trusted friends and acquaintances to spend time with you.

* Spend time with people who aren't depressed. This can lift you up and make you feel better.

* If you are thinking of taking an overdose, give your medicines to someone who can give them to you one day at a time.

* Remove any dangerous objects or weapons from your home.

* Avoid alcohol and other drugs. They will only make you feel worse.

* Wait until you are feeling better before doing things you find difficult or unpleasant.

* Make a written schedule for yourself every day and stick to it, no matter what.

* Don't skip meals, and get at least eight hours of sleep each night.

* Get out in the sun or into nature for at least 30-minutes a day.

* Make time for things that bring you joy.

I hope this helps.

Written by bbwaki 29 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you so much for your advices. I will try harder, for my daughter, for my believe in God.

I don't have health insurance, or any extra money. We barely get by month to month based on my salary. I tried to tell my husband once before, but he said that I'm going to be crazy soon just like my sister (who has schizophrenia)..and he has never want to talk or even mention about that again. He's a nice guy, only if everything is perfectly normal, fun, and undercontrol.

Anyway, I was trying to do thing that I really love to do: traveling/vacation, i was hoping I may able to get over this feeling even that I had to use my last available credit card. We took a short trip to Vegas.

To my surprise, I didn't enjoy the trip it at all; there was time, I looked down from my hotel's balcony and .....If it's not because my daughter was right behind me, laughing at the cartoon she's watching, I would had done it. I'm sorry, i must disappointed you all.

Thanks again for all your concern and advice, I'll promise to try my best.

Written by Clyde 29 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

It definitely sounds to me like depression for sure. Him mentioning you being "crazy like your sister" kind of worries me, because schizophrenia is a serious illness, and that kind of shows to me he doesnt really believe in your illness.

You did not disappoint us...you are alive, and you are still trying. Please keep trying and keeping on.

Best,

Clyde

Written by bellacutie 28 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Clyde - it's not a good sign that your husband doesn't try to understand you during difficult times. I really think you need someone who you can share these feelings with. If you're struggling financially I would recommend financial counselling as well. We've turned into a society where we spend and waste too much money. Many people are struggling right now. Keep track for a month where every penny goes - then ask yourself do we really need to buy this. You'll be amazed how much you can save. Find a professional person to talk to. I'm glad you're okay!! Bella


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