The struggles of my story are long but I will make this short. I have been struggling with depression, bipolar, suicide, cutting, and eating disorders for 11 years. I am in a really bad place in my life right now and I don't know what to do. I want help but am afraid of being "commited". I don't want to be forced into help. I know that my time is running very short and if something doesn't change I will be "gone". I have 2 small children and have been hanging on for them, but I can't hang on much longer. The most recent attempt at seeking help ended up with two police officers knocking at my front door. That is not the kind of help I want. I guess I just dont' know what to do anymore or who to turn to. The light at the end of my tunnel has burnt out and in turn I too will be gone soon. I just want someone to hug me and listen to my pain, but I can't talk to anyone that I know, its too difficult for me. I am afraid that I will scare people with my thoughts. I have a "plan" and it seems right now the best option...


Answers


bella
1947 days ago
Hi mrskapitz,

I hear you and we're here to listen. Suicide is never an option no matter how bad it gets. I lost my brother 1 yr ago to suicide (alcohol poisoning). It's a horrible legacy to leave to your children and those who love you. I assuming you've called a suicide hotline before - is that why the police came to your house?

Alot of people are going through extremely difficult times right now - but you have to keep going. Are you seeing a therapist presently for the problems you have? You will not scare us with your thoughts. I understand how it's difficult to talk about painful things, but sometimes we have to go through the pain to get to the other side of healing.

The only plan you should have is to keep going. Talk to your therapist and maybe they could get you in a good treatment program, where you could stay there for a few months. This would not be a mental asylum, but an in-treatment facility. I know you don't want to be forced and you need to want to heal. We are very willing to listen to your pain. Plese don't do anything drastic. We care about you and I'm sure alot of other people do to, especially your children. I'll be praying for you and sending you a giant mental hug. Be safe.



elizabeth
1947 days ago
Hi i have a short brief answer. Life is precious and i know and someone is telling me to let you know the devil never wants to see people happy nor relationships nor families.Please do not let the devil bring you down. First you have to accept and know that suicide is like totally not your option, Jesus loves you and you are here for a reason and you are special we all deserve to live this life let me tell you life is what we make it.



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
So I'm still here...

I have no therapist or counselor to talk to... I currently have no health insurance and cannot afford to pay someone for their services. I had emailed an agency about finding cheap/free counseling and apparently they thought it would be a good idea to call the police. I have tried to call a crisis hotline several times, but as soon a someone answers I just hang up. I don't even know what I would say... I KNOW that I need help, it just doesn't seem to be there. But then again, I think about what I would tell someone and my mind goes blank. I know how careful you have to be about what you say, as "professionals" seem to hear things differently then they are said(I learned my lesson about that when the cops showed up at my door). I just don't know

I can't/won't get myself into any type of impatient situation. I've been there before, most of my high school years I spent in mental institutions(obviously with little success). I have a family, its just not an option. I've been shuffled through the "system" several times and everyone eventually gives up.

I totally understand that some people do survive this and go on to lead perfectly normal lives... unfortunately I am just not one of those people. I just don't understand how it is fair for me to have to suffer for so long through so many issues.

I guess for now my therapist will come in a liquid form, it seems to be the only thing to help these days.



bella
1947 days ago
Drinking is a prickly issue for me because of my brother - I personally never touch the stuff. What would you say is th root cause of your problems? Are you on medication? I know you've been through alot and feel like a victim, but you can choose to take control of how you feel. You have to search down deep and find the fighter in you. Please don't drown your sorrows in alcohol because it'll only make it worse. Don't let mental illness control you. Talk as much as you want here. Take care.



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
The bottle is the only thing I have to hold on to right now. I am not on any meds., they have never proven to be very successful for me. I've gone to the extreme of ECT... with little result. I have NO reason to hope things will ever be different.

At least while I drunk things feel better.



bella
1947 days ago
Sorry I didn't know the in-patient idea was a bad one. What do you think would help you? How do you manage to do all that, with so many problems? Did you suffer trauma growing up or do you think you inherited these mental issues?



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
It's ok... I honestly don't think anything/one could help me. I don't even know what I am doing here, wasting time.

My "issues" are not always as bad as they are now, but they are never really that good either. For the longest time I have just done what I need to do. The needs of my family/coworkers/friends have always come before mine. I don't want to bring anybody down. Its just gotten to a point where I AM slacking on my responsibilities.

Every "professional" I have talked to has tried to figure out why I am the way I am. The one conclusion that they all agree on is that it is definitely not situational. Basically its all in my head. I grew up in the perfect family. My parents are still married and live in the same house that they bought together when they were 19. I should be living the "American Dream". I have a great husband, 2 beautiful children, and a job that I enjoy... but none of that seems to matter.

I just don't know...



Edahn
1947 days ago
I'm going to be completely honest. I know you're looking for just support, but this is my opinion. You've had really strong anxiety and sadness popping up in you from a very young age, driving you to all sorts of behaviors and reactions, many of which are probably not in your best interests. There is definitely a way to work with that to make it less overwhelming as well as stopping it from causing you to make bad decisions. YOU can make good decisions, but these feelings have compromised that ability.

I believe that you need to learn how to develop a healthy relationship to those feelings, rather than have them drive you and steer your life. The way to do that is by becoming aware of the difference between the simple, basic YOU, and the anxiety and sadness that issues forth from your body. I think it is VERY, VERY do-able.

There's a book I recommend to a lot of people here called "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. Check it out, please.

Best of luck.



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
This has assured me of my greatest fears...

I am a lost cause...

Perhaps I should have believed the people who have told me in the past that there was "nothing they could do for me". I am definitely in an incurable situation. There is only one solution to that problem...

I am sorry to have wasted so much of your time...



zanzivar
1947 days ago
Dear marskapitz,

Please, please, don't think about leaving. I had been suicidal for two and a half years but I now think differently. Now I think know that there are many sad people in the world and sometimes these sad people carry tears so that someone else can be happy. When you cry or think about leaving try and be around people and when you see them happy, think to yourself that it might be because I did the crying for them. Do you understand what I am trying to say? I find it a very useful way to look at life and it then gives me a purpose. Of course you don't want to be sad all the time so I would recommend that when you do cry - to cry really hard and move it out of your system. I have also found a great mental health group who have helped me unbelievably and the tablets I am on help too. There are loads of people who care about you. I know that now and that people really care about me and it's the most beautiful feeling in the world. Pretend that if you leave now it might mean that someone else will have to cry more now instead. Pretend that it is your turn tonight and someone else's night tomorrow - like shift work. I found this way of thinking to be the best.

Zanzivar.



bella
1947 days ago
Hi,

I think Edahn and Zanzivar said it all very eloquently. You have many ways to look at this from. In your last post, I got the feeling that you are a very well functioning person sometimes and that you over load yourself with lifes resposibilities.

you need to live for yourself, but if you can't do that right now, then please live for your children. If you had a good up-bringing and have problems - then how do you think your children are going to cope with the legacy of their mother's suicide. I know the pain of a loved one's suicide. Zanzivar knows the pain of wanting to die. Try to learn from us and make the right choices.

Edahn was right when he said your feelings are just that - feelings and you can learn to control them. Also you can shift your thinking and instead of looking at yourself as flawed - learn to accept yourself. Don't believe that you're hopeless. It's okay to feel sad and let yourself cry.

You know what it's like to be sad and maybe you can teach others. You mentioned the needs of your family/coworkers/friends come before yours - wow it sounds like you're a great person. Could it be that you're over loaded and need a break - someone to take care of you? You have made it this far, so you can keep going - this is just a stage you're going through. What would you say if someone else wanted to commit suicide? It's obvious right here that people care about you and we don't personally know you - IMAGINE your family/freinds and coworkers. Life isn't always picture perfect - but we have to keep going. There's a reason we're all alive. Who ever told you your case is hopeless, is an idiot. Be safe and take care.



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
I admire the optimism...

I will admit that perhaps the only coping skill is possess is to not cope at all. I have always found it easier to put the needs of others before myself. I would rather suffer and see those around me happy then to be happy myself.

I fully understand that yes this probably is just a phase... one that will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life. I have been fooled so many times into thinking that the "phase" was over only for it to return again twice as bad as it was the first time.

I honestly feel like I am wasting all of your time. You all have so much great advice... for someone else. I hope that I am not taking time away from someone what actually has a chance.

My glass is empty, time for another, its the only touch with reality I have...



bella
1947 days ago
I thought I would check on you one last time before I put my girls to bed. I detected a ray of optimism in your voice. I think your biggest problem that you always put others first - but that's wrong, because how can you take care of others, if you don't take care of yourself. Not eating can play awful tricks on the mind, because the mind is the first organ that suffers when we don't eat. If I was with you right now, I would make you a nice bowl of chicken soup, but all I can do is encourage you. It's time to put yourself first and you know you would be doing others a favour you know - because the healthier you are, the better you can take care of them.

I will check on you tomorrow. We all care about you - remember that. Take care.

Bella



mrskapitz
1947 days ago
Ok... so I'm a bit impaired now due to my lack of food(I haven't eaten since yesterday) and my over abundance of wine consumption. I just popped a few sleeping pills... not a worry some amount, I'm just hoping that I will sleep for a very very long time.



zanzivar
1947 days ago
mrskapitz,You sound like a very sensitive and caring person. It is always these kinds of people that suffer the most and it is such a shame. You look after everyone else but no-one looks after you. We can all look after you though when you are asleep at night. There is no need to feel that you would like to go to sleep for a very long time. We can visit you at night in your dreams and give you nourishment for the following day. Don't believe that this can happen? Oh, mark my words,there is truth in that.

Every night I think of people like you because I was in your position before and I still have days like that. But there is a really strong person inside in us and you must trust that strong person with all your heart. Can you hear it consoling you? Listen again...What else is it saying? Keep asking it every day. Keep tuning in like a radio station. It will give you great advice and never wants to see you hurt. So go to bed contented tonight knowing that you have plenty of people who really love you. Have a great sleep!

Zanzivar



Edahn
1946 days ago
It might be good if you called 1-800-SUICIDE. They're trained listeners who can help you over the phone, which is more personal than the internet.



bella
1946 days ago
Hi Mrskapitz,

I just wanted to check on you today to see how you're feeling. Better I hope.



mrskapitz
1946 days ago
I'm still here. I had the best night I've had in a long time. The wine and sleeping pills allowed me to have a long dreamless sleep. Lately not only do I have to deal with the intense thoughts of despair and hoplessness during the day, but then at night when I am sleeping I have the most terrible dreams and I wake up so frequently. Last night I fell asleep around 7pm and didn't wake until 5:30am. It was a completely dreamless sleep.

Today I have come to the realization that if anything is going to change I am going to have to do it myself. Here is my journal entry from this morning:

The severity of my situation when unnoticed yet again. Do people actually thinkg that I am going to come out and say that I am suicida? I want them to know... but I don't want them to overreact, and that's what usually happens.

I feel half dead already. The line between reality and surrealness is starting to fade. It is probably due tot he lack of food, over abundence of alcohol and the sleeping pills I took last night. I didn't try to OD on them or anything, just wanted a dreamless sleep.

I just want to be found...

Its's sad how I can be surrounded by such beautiful scenery and still fee the way I do. I just fell like I don't belong here anymore. I am the weed amongst a bunch of wildflowers.

I totally belive in the Butterfly Effect. There were several times I should have been dead, but people had to emss with fate. So now here I am, a husband and 2 kids later in the same boat. Now things are so much more intense and confusing. I have too manyu people that rely/need me, its not just about me anymore. I am starting to realize I can't live for everyone else all the time. I need to do something for myself.

Its not that I truely want to die. I really don't. I just want things to be different and I want to feel different. Me dying seems to be the only way to change anything. I've tried everything else... with no result.

Last night George said that he knew I would get over this and that I would be fine again.I think he said it to make himself feel better, which is fine. He doesn't need to be brough down because of my issues. The sad trugh is I know that there is only one way things will ever be different. The "option" scared me to death, but at the same times it comforts me to know that I have that one option.

Right now I just wish someone would find me sitting here and confront me. Then perhaps my situation would be taken seriously. I guess if I'm not ment to die, it would have already happened. So perhaps I should take it as a sign. Fate is finally free to do its work.

I keep looking back, thinking someone will be standing by my car waiting to save me from this living hell. Just to give me a hug at least. Yet there iis no one... I am still alone...

I feel foreign to this earth and in this life. Its strange how one minute you can feel like a vital piece of the "whole" and the next minute you are a worthless piece of a completely different puzzle.

I ant to go have some drinks but I'm feeling so weak as it is, one drink may be the end of me...

That's the end of my entry... and needless to say I ended up going to have a few drinks anyway. I know drinking is a terrible way to cope(it got me in a bit of trouble before), but...

Thank you bellacutie for feeling like you should "check up" on me.



bella
1946 days ago
Hi Mrskapitz,

thanks for answering back and I sense you're feeling a little brighter today. I think your husband worded it that way because he doesn't want to believe it's this bad and thinks his optimism real rub off on you. You're right your healing has to come from you and the first step is taking care of yourself. Sometimes the only way we can appreciate the good is when we go through bad experiences. I know you feel puzzled why you feel so bad when you have all the ingredients of a good life. That goes to show you and others that it's not things that make a person happy. But you are fortunate to have a husband who must love you and children. You've also talked about friends and coworkers.

It sounds like you need to connect with yourself and find something to make you feel passionate again. I think not sleeping well and not eating properly has definately played tricks on your mind. I want you start treating yourself like the important person that you are. I bet that your family and friends would be lost without you. You must be a strong person, if you always have taken care of them. But it's okay, even strong people can be weak sometimes. I know you wish someone would just give you a hug, but sometimes you have to ask for one and ask for help. Have you had a physical lately? Would you considered trying some of the newer medications available? I don't know if your at that age or not but do you think that your hormones could be off? Do you exercise at all? Exercise is a great way to naturally perk yourself up. When you eat make sure it's nutritous food.

Sometimes people feel sad when their lives aren't perfect. Rarely does a person get through life without some bad experiences, some more than others. All we can do is learn from those bad times. We all have a reson to be alive. How would you like things to be different? Maybe you can write them down and see what can be done to change it. I also think it's important to be grateful for what you do have and I think you have alot.

You know I've had some unfortunate things happen to me to. My father died when I was 2 yrs/ mom dies when I was 32yrs/ brother died 8yrs ago - he had manic depression for 25yrs. and died from AIDS/ lost another brother 1 yr. ago to suicide(alcohol poisoning). I'm also in a frustrating marriage situation. But I have my children and I love taking care of them. I won't let anything get me down and I always bounce back when I feel sad.

I'm also going to tell you a true story of a woman I saw on Oprah. Now I've told this several times before, so regular people on this site are probably saying to themselves, "OH NO not THAT story again" LOL. Anyway here it goes: this woman was in the hospital having her second child, when she developed the Flesh Eating Bacteria that ravaged her body. To save her life they had to amputate both legs/ 3/4's of her arms and perform a colonoscopy. She healed faster than expected and zoomed through physiotherapy. When Oprah asked her why she didn't go through the poor me stage she replied "all I could ever think about was going home to my girls and husband". So I thought if she can be optimistic in her condition, then so can I and so can you, I hope. Please don't drink anymore, it's poison for your body. Like you said you made it this far so you are meant to die. Get yourself some super nutrition packed food and go for a nice walk. Maybe you can try volunteering for something you feel passionate about when you feel better. I don't even know you, but I care about you. It's a beautiful day and my kids don't have school today and here I am trying to make you feel better. My kids are waiting for me to take them to the park. I guarantee if you start eating better you're gonna feel stronger. I'm so happy that you sound a little better today. You need to dig deep and bring out that YOU GO GIRL attitude again. Take care Mrskapitz and know there's always someone who cares.



zanzivar
1946 days ago
Dear mrskapitz,

You are so good at writing and you explain your situation very well! Well done! Your situation hasn't gone unnoticed. I have spotted you and so has bellacutie. By the way, I love weeds in the garden. I refuse to cut the grass for ages because some of them look so beautiful. Right now I have a load of dandalines in my garden and their color is so gorgeous. I'll just count them now. So give me a second...

God, there are a hundred and five dandalines outside imagine! Some of them are in amongst thorns and they are still surviving. Is that where you think you are mrskapitz? Do you feel strangled with emotion? I am there sometimes as well and it can feel really scary alright. And I do feel alone. It's extraordinary...this loneliness. I have seven kids myself and I run a pub so I am always surrounded by people but whatever it is I feel desperately lonely. Where in God's name is that loneliness coming from? Who are we missing? I'm baffled at times over this. What would you say to that, mrskapitz?

I'd watch the sleeping tablets and the alcohol if I were you. You may have nightmares at times but I think you need to have your senses about you at all times. How many great dreams could you be missing out on? The subconsious mind is also inclined to solve problems during the night as well. How many times have you woken up suddenly knowing what to do?

Of course you don't want to die! None of us do but these minds of ours are often trying to trick us. When I am really suicidal and get a real urge to do something I mimic the effect. For instance, instead of taking an overdose I take two sweets. I sit down on the seat and pretend to be dozing off. Then I tell my mind that I am dying from the overdose. This allows the part of me that wants to live to rise to the surface and start shouting at me to wake up. It's brilliant and works a treat and pulls me right out of the depression. Or if you want to get turned off...try having a cold shower with your clothes on. After all if you are thinking about drowning this is what it is going to feel like anyway. Guaranteed to turn you off. Hope that you won't get pnuemonia out of it though! So you see there is lots that you can do but the most important part is to make sure that you keep yourself safe.

We don't get enough hugs at all in this life sure we don't? And when we do we are inclined not to accept them. That is the way I am. I long to be hugged but if someone tries to hug me I feel like pushing them away. Doesn't make sense, sure it doesn't? Yes, we are living in a very strange world with very strange and peculiar emotions. But the good thing is that at least we are all here on the planet together and that we can all identify with these different feelings. Keep writing though and keep expressing yourself. You are a very interesting person and I have enjoyed reading your posts thoroughly.

Zanzivar



bella
1946 days ago
Thank you Zanzivar for helping and sharing your perspective. It's nice for you to share your feelings since you've been to that dark place where suicidal thoughts lurk. Take care.



Clyde
1945 days ago
One thing, my dear...if you hang up on the 1-800-SUICIDE people, they usually would be able to track where you called from and thats where the cops come from, BUT--

if you would do that over the phone, would you discuss your things with your therapist, even if you had one?

I dont definitely want to recommend anyone, but how about these therapists that are on the ads on here?

They are some as cheap as .50 cents a minute. Or of course, you could contact the closest mental health facility near you.

Best,

Clyde



bella
1945 days ago
Hi Mrskapitz,

just checking again to see how you're doing today. I hope you haven't written today because you're busy and feeling better and not because you're sad. TC

Bella



mrskapitz
1944 days ago
I'm still here. Yesterday I had a very busy day. I sell jewelry through "parties" that people have in their homes and I had to put on 2 parties yesterday. They took everything out of me. It took all of the energy I had to a) be around that many people all day and b)be "happy", personal and excited. By the time I got home I was completely exhausted and VERY irritable. Thank goodness I came home to an empty house, that was the best part of the day. I am still feeling very drained this morning...

but I am still here...



bella
1944 days ago
Hi,

I'm glad you were busy. I can understand how you could feel drained especially since you haven't been eating and sleepy well. Remember your body is a temple and you have to take care of it. Make sure you keep your life in balance. Don't get to where, you're doing too much for everyone else and nothing for you. Take care and hugs.