Avatar Posted by Fame 45 days ago (Question)
Right now, I don't even want to be alive. The only reason I haven't killed myself already is I have things to tie up. If I just up and offed myself too many people would blame themselves or asinine reasons that ultimately mean nothing to me. I may be suicidal but I don't want to leave people blaming themselves. This is all me.

I stopped caring about life months ago. Too many things built up and I realized that life just isn't worth it. It's kind of freeing really. If you aren't afraid to die, you aren't afraid of anything. Over time, I stopped caring for anything that made me happy before. The only thing I can say I care about is my friends and family.

I suppose you can call it depression, but is it depression that makes you see more clearly? I read an article once that claimed depressed people actually have a more realistic view of the world then optimists. I suppose I'd have to agree.

The odd part is, I'm probably the last person most people would expect to be offing himself. I'm rational, and more logical then most people I've met. This has made me incredibly adept at spotting and solving other people's problems. Ironically, it also was what led me to know I'm worthless here and I don't think I'll ever be truly happy again. I've made some bad decisions and walked down some bad paths. I'm just done here. Maybe the afterlife is better.

I suppose this is a swansong. Or a cry for help, or whatever you want to call it. What is the point in living when you just stop caring for you and you only live to satisfy others?


Answers

Written by gooddogandie 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

ive been in this same place for 3 years now... im at the point where when i get depressed my fight or flight reaction is gone... its tough and at times it will get better but its something thats going to take awhile to fix. Those anti suicide things dont know what there talking about they used to just piss me off. but heres the truth in what they say... you are cyring out for help so there is still a will to live inside you. If you cant live for yourself find someone you are willing to go to hell and back for, and stay alive for them! thats really all i can say... try a few therapists because they all have different styles and can really help you out. other than that find something to distract yourself from those feelings! I hope you feel better...

Written by Edahn 45 days ago Rating: 1 | Rate Answer: + -

I don't really post here anymore, but I clicked the site and saw your post, and felt like you needed someone to talk to.

Here's the thing. Something inside you is pushing forward. Something believes that things can get better and that there's a reason to push forward. You may not understand why it's pushing, or what it's pushing towards, but that doesn't matter. It pushing and you should honor it.

I'm rational and objective too, and equally like trying to help others. Sometimes rational thinking is incomplete and you're unaware of the hidden assumptions you've picked up. The most obvious one is that your life will never get better. If you see a problem as something entirely out of your control, well, I guess you might conclude that you can't do anything. But problems are half situation, half perception. Your perception -- to use a math analogy -- is like a function. You plug in the situation and the function performs some operation on it. The end result is how you feel.

Your perception is something that changes. It's sensitive to the things you think about, the comparisons you make for yourself, how forgiving you are, how patient you are, and how much you understand about life. Those are things that grow with intelligence and observation, and you, luckily, have both. (BTW, the phenomenon is called Depressive Realism, but it has its limits.) I've written some stuff at my site about meaning, depression, and growth that I think you would enjoy reading. It's written for intelligent folks like yourself, even though I fucking can't help cursing. :)

My advice: relax and rethink your situation. Does it suck now? Absolutely. Will it suck indefinitely? No. Situations change, perceptions change, wisdom and knowledge change, and so do important things like self-forgiveness, self-compassion, and self-love which are 3 ways of describing the same thing. You can visit a therapist to help guide you, or start deconstructing your life and emotions to see what can be worked with. Eventually I believe you'll find happiness and you'll find that there was a purpose to all of this, if not just to help others who were in your predicament.

Please think about it.

I've also written tons here about depression and hope. If you want to continue this discussion, please email me since I don't post here anymore.

Sincerely,

Edahn

Written by bellacutie 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

^^^^^^

What a surprise - the best answerer ever!! I miss your answers friend! :D

Written by bellacutie 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Fame,

I agree with the other posters - just because you feel like this now, doesn't mean it will be like this forever. Do you believe in looking at life through a bigger picture - meaning just because you think your life lacks purpose now, what about the future. I believe we're all here for a reason - good and bad. You say you're very adept at solving other peoples problems - perhaps you could make that your lifes passion?? You don't know how your life fits into the 'grand puzzle of life'. If you kill yourself then you and others will never know. I know the pain of suicide -I lost a brother a year and a half ago. Maybe one day you can help someone who's in your shoes and pull them from the depths of despair.

You sound like a very smart person, so you should know that a person should never make important decisons when they're down and upset. Here's a good website:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ The important thing when you're like this, is to WAIT. Even if you're doing absolutely nothing - you deserve to live. Please stay with us and get help. At the very least keep talking we don't mind listening. Be safe! Bella

Written by Edahn 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Peace out peeps!

Written by Fame 45 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I appreciate all of the advice everyone. I'm working on things.

good, That's one of the few things keeping me here. If I didn't have people who would miss me I'd be already gone.

Edahn, You've given me plenty of food for thought. Kinda sucks that I missed the link to your site, but oh well. It happens.

Bella, two things. I've talked two people out of suicide already. All it does is burden me more. I read your link tho, and I sent off an email to Samaritans. Might be a bit easier for me when its even more anonymous then this.

Thanks for your responses everyone.

Written by bellacutie 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

That's nice that you were able to talk 2 people out of suicide - it can drag down someone who's depressed or vulnerable - it's better to avoid people who are depressed. I've been through incredible stress in the last 3 yrs and have managed to whether the storm. I think I have a strong survivor in me and I'm proud of that. Just because circumstances stink at the moment is no reason to give up. Hang in there friend. BTW if you click on Edahn's name you can find his email there or back in the forum section. I'm sure no one here would mind if he helped you - after all it's a free country and anyone should be free to help you. My name is lynn P. in the forum section and I don't mind talking to you there. Have a good night.

Written by Clyde 44 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Please also, if you feel you need to commit suicide, which we are all hoping you don't--call 1-800-SUICIDE or your local doctor and let them know what is going on.

You are too talented to do such a thing.

Best,

Clyde


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