Avatar Posted by sarahp 440 days ago (Question)
I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I’m not dead or alive. I’m just blank. I can smile, but it doesn’t last. I can cry, and it seems to be the easiest thing for me to do.

I stay cooped up in my room all day because I know I’m no fun to be around. So I don’t have any friends. I go to class and usually sit by myself. I don’t talk to anyone. I barely make eye contact with anything but the floor and my paper. When I go outside I get anxious. I just want to go back into my room and do nothing.

I constantly think about suicide. It has become all I think about. It is what I draw, write about, think about, talk about, and concentrate on. I don’t see any point in trying not to be depressed. I’ve tried many times, and yet I always come back to this point.

I’m not worth anything. I don’t mean anything to anyone. If anything, the only person I would ever mean anything to is my mom, and I’ve cut her off from me. I barely talk to her. I don’t tell her what I’m feeling or what’s going on in my life. I don’t have anyone. I’m alone. I pushed my mom away. My sister just gets mad at me, regardless of whether or not I’ve done anything. My dad doesn’t give a shit. I don’t have any friends. I stopped talking to Mack. Kenna is just my roommate, we barely hang out, and she knows nothing about me. I’m purely alone.

I can’t talk to my shrink because I don’t trust him. He fucking told my mom everything I said to him, OUT OF TRUST, and he told me he wouldn’t tell her. It really didn’t help me. It just made me feel even more like shit. I’m going to kill myself one way or another. The only reason I didn’t just tell my mom is because I didn’t want her to worry. I just wanted to disappear. I didn’t want to have to see her be miserable. It just makes me feel even more depressed and want to kill myself. Now that she knows she’s always bugging me about it, and that really doesn’t help either. It just makes me think about it and get quiet. I would scare anyone and everyone if I told them what I was thinking, that is why I never say anything.

The trickles of tears are now coming out in streams. No matter what I do I’m always on the verge of crying. That seems to be all I can do now.

I’ve pretty much stopped eating. I have to eat a little bit to keep myself from passing out, but overall I’ve stopped eating as much as I used to. Last night I skipped dinner with Kenna and just had a bowl of cereal by myself in my room. When she came back I was crying, but she was on the phone so she didn’t ask.

It’s funny how everyone says suicide is a selfish thing. I used to think of it as a favor I’m doing for everyone else. But looking back at what I just wrote, the name or pronoun I used most in this writing is ‘I’. So, yes, I guess suicide is very selfish. But that doesn’t surprise me, I’m a selfish person, just ask my sister. If anything, it just gives me more incentive to do it. It would make me a worse person than I already am. I hate myself. I really do.

I’ve already made a plan of what I’m going to do. It’s just a matter of time. No amount of therapy or drugs could ever change my mind. It’s just the way I am. It’s the way my life is supposed to end. Anyone who messes with that is messing with a being greater than themselves. I don’t understand why we are so opposed to someone killing himself. Death is a part of life. The world is overpopulated anyway, why are we so quick to try to “save” someone? If they want to die, I think we should just accept it and let them be. Yes, life changes constantly, but overall, we never change. If someone like me, who absolutely hates herself, wants to kill herself, I don’t think we have any right to say they shouldn’t do it; we as humans never change who we are, so if I’m not happy with myself, why make myself suffer? I will always be the same depressed me. No amount of medication could ever change how I feel without changing who I am. I will always be this way. And I don’t like it. So I am going to end it. That’s all there is to it.


Answers

Written by doug 440 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sarah,

Go take a look at my post "Does depression cause anger and back pain?" 14 days ago. Sarah I feel alone as well and I have a wife and children. Sarah the only thing that has kept me from ending it all is my faith in Christ. I truly believe we all have a purpose and it is a matter of time when you'll find that purpose. God put us all on this earth for a reason so you do have one more option seek God that is what has saved me. There are so many brothers and sisters in Christ that are waiting for your friendship. Pray - I do every day to keep me here. Find a church in your area and send them and email. Try this last option and I promise your life will slowly turn around and one day you will be helping that person that thinks they are out of options. I'll be praying for you, doug

Written by bp2hope 440 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sarah, my heart goes out to you. I can feel that pain and hopelessness. I've experienced severe depression and suicidal thinking myself. There have been times in my life where I couldn't see "any" hope. But later I've seen things work out in ways I would never have dreamed. I too believe in a loving God who feels your pain and has a plan for your life, even though in times like this, it's REALLY hard to understand. And I might not be here without that faith, no matter how small at times. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I will also be praying for you, that God will wrap His arms around you and that you'll feel it. Whenever I have felt suicidal, somehow there was always a faint hope that things might be better in the future. Sarah, I want you to somehow discover and embrace that tiny glimmer of hope. I always thought of reasons (whether serious or ridiculous) of not ending it. You mentioned that you mean something to your mom. Even though you feel isolated right now, I am sure that your mom really WOULD be very sad to lose you. Another thing that has turned me away from suicidal ideas is my cat. She is always there for me, and I KNOW she needs my care. Is there anyway you could get a cat or dog? Or ANY kind of pet (that would be allowed in your living situation)? I also want you to go to this excellent link about suicide right here, for a different perspective: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/ ("If you are thinking about suicide...please read this first." It's a letter with a very understanding tone that is not preachy, etc)

Continue to reach out, including writing to us here on this website.

Hope.

Written by andrew 440 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hello Sarah

Thank you for sharing how you are feeling so clearly. i really identify with what you are saying. there have been a few times in my life that i've felt just like that and, unless a ghost typing this, i'm still here.

You seem very gifted at writing. since you're already spending time in your room, why not have a go at writing some stories? i bet you could do some really creative work if you set your mind to it.

This'll sound a bit odd but at one point i wrote a letter to God, pretty much like your question. i didn't actually send it anywhere or show it anyone. the funny thing is that when i read it i actually found myself editing it - some things weren't actually quite as bad as i'd first made out.

You haven't actually said why you dislike yourself so much. Society is full of expectations of what someone has to be or look like to be "perfect". It's a load of rubbish and most of it is about selling stuff. I've spent a large amount of my adult life without a girlfriend; some would say that makes me sad, I say that makes me free. The same applies to friends - do you or I want to spend all our time doing what everyone else does, or do we want the freedom to do whatever we want to do? We're both undiscovered gems. The fact that we are undiscovered doesn't mean we are not gems. Do the things you want to do and if others want to join you cool, if they don't it's their loss. Eventually people who like the things we like doing do turn up.

Buy your Mum some flowers and tell her you love her. See what happens. Do you like flowers, chocolates, something else? Why not ask your Mum if she'll treat you with a surprise at the end of each month? Bet you she says yes.

Whatever you decide I wish you the very best with it. Thank you again for taking the time and trouble to share it and I'm sorry you're feeling so down at the moment.

Take care,

Andrew

Written by doug 438 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sarah, I'm following up - how are you doing?

Written by drjean 438 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sarah, please seek help where you are. You're depressed, hon. It's treatable and nothing to kill yourself over.

It's a disorder, and it's the depression that is telling you lies. You feel worthless and hopeless because that's what the depression is making you feel. It isn't true, ok?

You haven't run out of options! You just found and used another one: this ANSWERS site! I'm glad you did find us here, and hope you will return and post again about how you are doing.

You really don't want to end your life, you want to end your life the way it is. You can change it. It might take a little time, but things can begin to feel better.

Let us have hope for you, since you are out of hope.

Is there someone you can call and share your darkness with? Go to the Emergency room or call for rescue if you still feel so hopeless. You don't have to feel this way, and you don't have to end your life to feel better. ((hug))

drjean

Written by Clyde 437 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Sarah,

Seek help immediately. Depression is a disorder that can tell lies, and that helps you feel hopeless and bad about yourself.

I, too, am glad you posted here, and I hope you post back again soon.

I would visit an Emergency Room soon, or a therapist, to see what can be done.

Best,

Clyde

Written by shadowinthenight 432 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Hi Sarah,

I usually do not post online, but I decided to because I can relate to your story. I have been depressed since my high school years. I am now going into my third year of college. I am assuming you are in college because you talked about having a roommate. Anyways, I have never had any true friends my entire life. I have often felt the same way you do. I see everyone around with friends and having a great time, while I used to just sit in my room all the time. I also did not see why I have to be depressed all the time. I keep thinking that it would get better but it didn't. I wished I was dead so many times over the years that I cannot count. So, you are not the only one who feels this way. Sometimes, we just need someone to talk to. One guy above suggested that he likes the freedom of having no girlfriend or even friends, but I think that everyone needs someone to share their thoughts and feelings with especially in college when life can be really tough. Otherwise, we live this extremely lonely and depressing life. I mean, it is hard to be happy when you have no one to share that happiness with. Well, I just want to tell you that I added you as a friend on this website, and you can message me anytime. I would love to have someone to talk to.

Hope things work out for you. Cheer up. :)


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