All of my life i have been a quiet reserverd person. When i was younger i was shy and always felt like i didn't have any friends. It was hard for me to be social, all thoughout middle and high school i was known as the quiet girl. I had a hard time trusting people and still do. Now that i am older im not so much shy but im still quiet and reserved and i kind of hate that about myself, because i feel that i am never going to be happy and that im holding myself back from things i want to accopplish. I have never been in a relationship because of my insecuries im always feeling like i will never be good enough for anyone or i would be too boring for someone. Being that i am 20 now its still like im trying to find myself like i don't know who i am. Sometimes i feel as if i never knew who i was. I've been depressed ever since the age of about 14. I just never like who i was as a person and im still trying to figure out who i am. My question is how do i find myself?


Answers


drjean
2097 days ago
thisisme20, it's always a mix-bag of responses for me when I see someone hurting, but realizing there is help "out there" and they reach out, like you are doing.

Since this has been ongoing for many years, it won't be a quick repair. As an adult, you can decide that it doesn't matter too much what you were, you have the ability to become what you want to be.

Find a psychologist or counselor that uses CBT (cognitive behavior therapy.) This works on helping you realize that what you think and tell yourself is what is governing your feelings. It will help you counter that thinking of "I was never good enough for anyone" and "being too boring" for someone.

You can find a "sticky" post of the 10 most common cognitive distortions and how to work on reframing them (which CBT does) at the top of the psychcentral.com Psychotherapy Forum.

It's ok to not know who you are yet, at 20, but I understand your frustrations in that regard.

best wishes

drjean



Edahn
2097 days ago
I'm slowly recovering from shyness, although recovering is a f'ed up word.

Finding yourself isn't really a process of active searching. It's more a process of revealing and peeling off the layers that dampen your authentic self. Think of it as unwrapping a present. You don't find the present, you reveal it.

So the question for you, and for everyone, is "what layers of wrapping papers are on me?" For you, it seems like it's social anxiety, but social anxiety is just a label. What beliefs do you maintain about yourself? What beliefs do you maintain about the shy part of your personality? Most likely, you're ashamed of it and wish it'd go away. That type of mentality, I've noticed, it hard to work with and leads to a constant state of inner struggle. There's no rest while you're constantly self-rejecting and hiding parts of who you are that in reality, you have nothing to be ashamed about.

The best thing to do is accept that right now, this is where you are, and that it's okay. You're still a valuable person even if you have shyness. Do your best to work with it instead of pushing it away. "Okay, so I'm shy right now. How can I still enjoy myself? How can I continue to live my life in the best way possible, right now?" Practice, and this'll start to help with your anxiety. It won't make it go away, but that's not the goal right now. The goal is just to be a friend to yourself and work with it instead of being ashamed and hiding it.

Then you're onto the next layer, and the next. With each layer peeled off, you'll start to feel a bit more like you.

P.S. The school of Zen that I study holds the question "what am I?" as its most sacred koan and mantra. Just thought that was interesting.



Clyde
2092 days ago
It does take a bit of practice. Start slow, but start. Realize that there are people out there who want to know you.

A psychologist or therapist who practice CBT wouldnt hurt either.

Best,

Clyde



jessy1
1466 days ago
hi,

u know i have ur same problem exactly and more..first I'm still 16 and when i read ur post i became afraid of being like this till 20 or maybe more!!

I can't even choose the right collage to join after next year..

I'm afraid i wouldn't have love in my life ,

I feel like that i made this problem to myself , i broke myself and can do nothing to help..

I cry aloooooooot with abd without reasons (i guess)..another problem, noone of my family and friends know that i'm suffering alot , they just think that i'm a very good at school , i always get high marks and always a top student..I guess they think I'm happy although I can't feel happy AT ALL !

I'm afraid of not being good at my job in the future (which I have no idea about it now)..

I'm not OK!! ..I wanna be strong , I wanna be self confident, I wanna live life and be happy ...

PLZ Help



Mirdare_of_osiris
1276 days ago
Ok... Look its really hard to wake up and realize the day ahead for most people out there... 30 million people in the US suffer from depression. The problem is that so few actually realize what it is. For the sake of being personable, my name is Doug. Because of the same problem u guys are going through I had to venture a second high school and then later go back to get my diploma. I didnt have a job at all last year which didnt help, but I am now 3 positions up from entry level at my job, in 6 months none the less... ... ... And I still go through it every day. My mom F-ed up and left when I was 6, my dad drinks, I am 22 by the way, I have two bros 24, and 10, and I have no time to spend any time with either. For one, life is what it is. Its not a k'nex set with instructions, and it shouldnt be. Could u imagin if u knew your entire life, how boring. And trying to find some one who understands you... Well, change the record right?. I've admitted myself twice only to be told I need a counselor. My excuse... Im too depressed to make an effort. I even thought if I kept my self busy that I would b ok... I work 54 hours a week and go to school full time... And guess what, its still hard to wake up every day. But I can recognize the fact that something is wrong, and so can you. Im no doctor, but I can tell you that its ok. Just breath. I constantly try to build new endevors to cover my time... I can pick locks, count cards effortlessly, and rebuild a computer. Nothing has changed though, inside I still dont care. Just try to focus on what you like, try to surround yourself with what you like. I love music, so I have 32gigs of music on my phone. Thats who I am. Maybe I dont understand it but someone outside my box does.

I really hope you all can make it through. A life is a terrible thing to waste and if you need to talk, just say hey... Cuz I will listen dsmith310@email.itt-tech.edu

Bests,

Doug



Samu-Sky
1177 days ago
Hi My Dear ! I am exactly Like you ! I feel my self through your lines !! saying that 's me ! the same behaviour ! well I 'm soo shy as well ! Quiet One ! I can not make a long conversation with people ! it;s make me boring !! well I had many Pain ! and I lost my self in all these fight ! so I decide to become open ! I have good friends ! we don't stop getting fun with each Other ! Remember Life is so short ! there is no place for other to judge you ! this is our Nature ! in case you know better people you 'll be so Open believe me ! so I advise you to get relationship and belive in your self ! You Can do better ! you'll find your self Special not boring ,, Good Luck ! My Dear !! Hope the sun will shine just for u ! trust your self ! I'm glad to meet someone like me who can understand me !