I feel desperate to try and get over my ex and feel better about myself. Looking back over our relationship I can now see that he was controlling/abusive from the first few months, but I failed to see it and thought he would change if he loved me. He would question me and accuse me of cheating all the time...almost daily! He would start believing what he accused me of and call me every name in the book. it at times would get physical--like pushing, slapping me with pillows, throwing water in my face, spitting on me. I would at time fight back, but it seems to just make him want to hurt me more, so I would just usually shutdown and just sit there. After 3 years together we had our daughter, that gave me another reason to stay with him. We would continue to fight after she was born. About 99% of our fights were him accusing me of lying and cheating. If I was 5 min late off of work, If my phone rang and it was wrong number, if we were out and a guy looked at me he would say I was flirting, he accused me of messing around with his brothers, his friends, he would say he would see me driving when I was at home or not where he claimed he saw me, just about everything.
Well 5 years into this I got enough courage up to leave the house we owned together and demand either he go to counseling or we were done! He refused counseling saying he doesn't believe in that. So I stuck to my word..... but i was extremely depressed and felt like a bad mother being sad all the time. Held out until about 5 months later and broke down, started talking to him again and allowing him to control me and do the same things. within these 2 months on reconciliation I got pregnant with our second child. He flipped and said I cheated on him and it wasn't his baby! I was devastated but refused to have an abortion. We then went about 4 months without talking then he came around and started with the nice guy personna. i bought it and we were hanging out again even though I now have my own place.
our son was born and from his birth we we on the path to getting back together, hanging out all the time, him staying at my house at times. Now our baby is almost 3 months and he just out of no where accuses me of lying about going to some party which I did not go to, nor was I even invited to?? It completely threw me off.... like here we go again! He sent me the nastiest messages about how low I am and that Im trash and garbage. He says he will never love me again because I cant ever be truthful. He then txted me saying he is moving on and just slept with someone else. I was comepletely crushed and even tho I know this is who he is and toxic to me....
I can't seem to get over the pain. I feel mad b/c he accuses me of things I never have done and hurt b/c we have 2 kids together and he thinks so low of me. I want to break this cycle of abuse, I will try to get strong, but then I get depressed so easily just thinking about things he's said to me. I dont know what to do anymore? Advice would be appreciated.


Answers


fastoldbiker
1324 days ago
You need to get angry. This guy is bad news.

Who the hell does he think he is? You should not EVER take this kind of abuse. There are better men out there that will treat you properly, as a person. You would never be able to trust him; he has serious issues, does not recognise them and therefore thinks that he does not need help. He will not change.

You are not an object to be controlled. He abused you to make you feel weak and worthless so that he could control you; and because of his own insecurities. Okay you may find the break painful, but you do not deserve a life of misery, and neither do your children. How DARE he say you are trash and garbage. You are better off without him.

See if he is man enough to support his children – or is HE trash and garbage?

Why should the insults from his twisted mind bother you? He is not capable of consideration or respect; you should not waste your time over his insults at all. He does not deserve any of your consideration.

You deserve much, much better. I would like to tell you what he deserves and it is not therapy.

Best wishes.



bella
1324 days ago
Hi rocky1414 - I'm sorry for everything you've been through and you sound like the typical abused woman. It's very common for abused women to keep going back, trying to make it work. This is part of the dysfunctional relationship and due to wearing down your self esteem. Since your partner made it clear he won't get help, I hope you'll never go back to him. Unfortunately you still have to deal with him regarding the kids - is he abusive to the kids?

I suggest you get a lawyer and set out clear conditions regarding child support and what kind of visitation. It's important you get this legally drawn out on paper, otherwise he'll just waltz into and out of your life when ever he feels like it. If he becomes abusive once you're separated, don't hesitate to get a restraining order.

I also encourage you to document any abusive conduct, date it and save it in case you need to show to a lawyer/police. You should also get involved in an abused womens support group where you can share stories and get support - individual counseling would also be good. Resist the temptation to get back together and don't be fooled by his charming/manipulative side. This kind of person rarely changes, especially since he's clear about not getting help. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Best of luck in building a new life free of abuse and mistrust.



allison
1323 days ago
I stayed for 36 years. It wasn't until I found the book which saved my life, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans, that I understood what was happening. Abuse is literally brainwashing. I hope you will counseling for yourself with someone specifically trained in verbal/physical abuse; some are not (amazingly). Call a women's shelter, group....most abusers never change. They are narcissists, and stop maturing at about ager 12-13.

If you get educated by talking to a therapist, women's abuse group, reading, etc ..you can make good decisions for your life. If we were abused as children, we will usually accept abuse later in life. Knowledge is power! Do everything you can to help yourself.

Life is all about choices, and you CAN break the cycle of abuse. I did and thousands of other women. Reach out to all of the resources you can