I feel desperate to try and get over my ex and feel better about myself. Looking back over our relationship I can now see that he was controlling/abusive from the first few months, but I failed to see it and thought he would change if he loved me. He would question me and accuse me of cheating all the time...almost daily! He would start believing what he accused me of and call me every name in the book. it at times would get physical--like pushing, slapping me with pillows, throwing water in my face, spitting on me. I would at time fight back, but it seems to just make him want to hurt me more, so I would just usually shutdown and just sit there. After 3 years together we had our daughter, that gave me another reason to stay with him. We would continue to fight after she was born. About 99% of our fights were him accusing me of lying and cheating. If I was 5 min late off of work, If my phone rang and it was wrong number, if we were out and a guy looked at me he would say I was flirting, he accused me of messing around with his brothers, his friends, he would say he would see me driving when I was at home or not where he claimed he saw me, just about everything.
Well 5 years into this I got enough courage up to leave the house we owned together and demand either he go to counseling or we were done! He refused counseling saying he doesn't believe in that. So I stuck to my word..... but i was extremely depressed and felt like a bad mother being sad all the time. Held out until about 5 months later and broke down, started talking to him again and allowing him to control me and do the same things. within these 2 months on reconciliation I got pregnant with our second child. He flipped and said I cheated on him and it wasn't his baby! I was devastated but refused to have an abortion. We then went about 4 months without talking then he came around and started with the nice guy personna. i bought it and we were hanging out again even though I now have my own place.
our son was born and from his birth we we on the path to getting back together, hanging out all the time, him staying at my house at times. Now our baby is almost 3 months and he just out of no where accuses me of lying about going to some party which I did not go to, nor was I even invited to?? It completely threw me off.... like here we go again! He sent me the nastiest messages about how low I am and that Im trash and garbage. He says he will never love me again because I cant ever be truthful. He then txted me saying he is moving on and just slept with someone else. I was comepletely crushed and even tho I know this is who he is and toxic to me....
I can't seem to get over the pain. I feel mad b/c he accuses me of things I never have done and hurt b/c we have 2 kids together and he thinks so low of me. I want to break this cycle of abuse, I will try to get strong, but then I get depressed so easily just thinking about things he's said to me. I dont know what to do anymore? Advice would be appreciated.
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