My husband and I joined a local lodge and we argue about he's socializing. He says he is going to talk and mingle with everyone and he is going to do his thing and I will have to mingle and do my thing. He says he is going to treat me like he treats me when we are with his family. He never talk with me at his family and I'm ignored by him. I use to think it was because their are Arab and it was easier for them to communicate in Arabic but his family always includes me or at least tries to cmmunicate with me but my husband plays cards with his brothers and ignores me. At home I do most of the talking and if not he talks some and now he doesn't want to talk with me at the lodge just with other people. He says he has never cared and will do his own thing. I'm just crying all the time over this. We have been married 22 years. We never held hands or kissed in public no affection and now he hugs the ladies and men at the lodge. We went their on New Years and he was talking at the bar with another lady when the count down began and forgot about me and he never wished me a Happy New Year. I just cry all the time. My daughter is in the Army in Iraq, my son almost lost his leg and my parents died 6 months apart. I just feel like my husband takes me for granted.


Answers


source
1902 days ago
Do you tell him how you hurt when you see him act like that?

You will need to be strong and stand up for yourself and build a life you love instead. No matter how hard the choices are you do have choices. I can't tell you as to how far you want to go with your choices. You can laid out all the choices you can think of and choose how to go about it.

You could perhaps try talk to him first and see what he says. Or perhaps write him a letter if you think that is better.

Whether or not it works out with him, you still would want to be building up a your own happy life. Be involved with people, join groups, do something that you could be proud of yourself. Try and get your focus off him and focus on yourself, your life. If you don't have hobbies or interest, start some, if you don't have many friend or not in touch - start having some and start going out again. Do all the things that will make you happy.

How is your husband relationship with the kids? Being through all these family tragedy is hard both for you and for him.



jani
1901 days ago
His good with the kids...but he has always been somewhat self centered. If the kids were having fun with their cousins at a (his side of the family) my husband would be playing cards with his brothers and brother in law and get mad and told us to get in the car. His sister told him that isn't fair for us and I told him and he just said he didn't care and to get in the car. The kids were mad and told him what they thought and I backed the kids. He never hit the kids but when he gets mad he breaks things never his stuff but what I bought him as a gift or he threatens to break my Jesus or Mary statues. I always prayed for strength to be with him because I didn't want to be divorced and now the kids are grown except our son and he will be 18 next March. I'm a Catholic and I never believed in divorce..and I'm a person who has so much patience that it's easier just agree with him or ignore him until it blows over but we have never done anything together and I thought this lodge thing would be fun but he said he is going to continue to ignore me and I have to entertain myself. Our kids always had a later time to come in and he always told me that a married woman shouldn't be out past dark. I use to work 3 jobs to equal 1 year round job and I took of the kids and him. I would bring him his coffee and sit with him. When I told him at one of the times recently he was mad at me and I got up to leave because a person gets tired of being yelled out, he busted the headphones I bought him...and then he said he has a temper and when he is like that I just need to sit and not say anything and let him yell until he's finish and that it was my fault he broke them because I shouldn't talk back. He never tries that with our kids because our kids are right there and defend themselves and each other and when the kids are home he never says that to me because my daughters and son are right there to see what's wrong. My oldest daughter says when she marries and has children that her dad will never see them. My middle one understands him more and has a good relationship with him but she is in the army and not home now but she did say mom you're a living martyr; my son says he hates him but tolerates him. I tell them not too hate him; he's their dad and he's a good man...but they hate how he controls my life and they want me to stand up for myself except says he's joining the army and doesn't want me to get hurt if I say something....I'm so messed up..

I doubt if he'll be ok with me joining a group without him joining. I mean I belong to the catholic ladies group but I could do that because its all women...and I love my friends there...but he says what happens in our home stays in our home so I don't have a person I can confide in except my children and that's because they hear things going on. Even our family priest said he was a bully and controlling when our son was going to be baptised Fr. Steve said that..It was over my husband taking baptism classes and my husband didn't want to. He's Catholic but never goes. I have always been there at church with our children..Fr. Steve moved away but told me to be strong...it was just easier to make him happy than let him destroy my things...(my holy items)...I'm not a strong person...but I'm a person of strength if that makes sense. I I'm very thankful to have a place in the site to communicate with others. He is ok with everything...It was my parents..he was always a good son in law...took good care of my parents in life and burying them. My boy's injury he was there for him and supportive..He was there for me..and he's very supportive of our daughter's decision on the military..but sometimes I don't feel like a wife (and he's told me that before) and that's true I feel more like a servant or maid and because he's never treated me like a wife. He has never said he loved me and said love will come after years of marriage and the caring. I believed him but now I think it's never coming because if he cared he wouldn't be self centered on a lot of things. Sorry this is so long...just sad and depressed.



jani
1901 days ago
I just want to add that I try to be upbeat around the kids but sometimes my husband yells so much and breaks things that my kids see and hear our fights. They know and actually heard a lot of things and told me over the years to leave him. He didn't deserve me but I always said something is wrong with your dad and he gets a temper. I try to make peace in the home. He was my first and only date a blind date and we married after year of dating. I was so terribly shy. I'm not shy anymore but I'm a quiet person. I landed my dream job in October and I'm no longer hourly wage but salary...It picked up my husband, and children insurance until they are 23 and going to college. It's a blessing because most of the arguments we had was over money. I just want to stop crying and feeling this way. I did confide in my husband about a lady at the lodge and how I was jealous because she always starrs at my husband. One time she came over to our table and said she loved his accent. I do too. He said thank you and have you met my wife and went to introduce me...and stammered and couldn't think of my name...after what seemed like forever I put my hand out and said I'm Janice. He made a joke of it but it hurt that he couldn't say my name. After all he screams at me or the time...one lady asked him what do you call your wife at home? he said none of your d**n business. Even she thought that wasn't right. Anyway I told him that lady is starring at you and I confided how I was jealous and he listened. I thought it was special..then he told me a few days later that he was going to visit his uncle and I told him to tell him hi because I couldn't go because I had housework to do and I dropped my daughter off at her job which is on the same street as the lodge and I saw his truck there. When I got home my son told me he called his dad because no one was home. my husband told him he was at the bar. I called him to see what time he was coming home because I usually call him to see because he parks in front of me because I leave before him and I said what time or you coming and josh said you were at the bar and he said I'm at the lodge and I don't know when I'll be home. He came in at 2:45 in the morning and I was awake. I told him a married man shouldn't be out that late. He said I lost track of time and was playing pool with Katie the bartendar. He told me that I was wrong about Debbie the other lady I was jealous over because he sat with her all evening and she is really nice and sweet and she's happily married. I asked if her husband was there and he said no he doesn't belong because he's not socialble. He would kill me if I went to the lodge or bar without him. I was so hurt that he used what i told him about being jealous and my insecurity with it and spent the evening with that lady. I really don't believe he'd cheat on me but it still hurt. sad and depressed



Clyde
1900 days ago
I think you have to leave him now. If you worry about him killing you, and you know he throws things, breaks things...what does that say?

WOULD YOU LET HIM DO THAT TO YOUR KIDS?

Best,

Clyde



jani
1900 days ago
I would never let him do that to our kids. It is like I wasted my life hoping for caring and love to come in this marriage because he told me it would. I guess after 22 years of marriage it's not going to come because he cares for himself too much. It does hurt and I feel like a failure but I do love our kids and that's what matters.

Thanks



stitlskin
1900 days ago
Look, I haven't even finished reading what u wrote because it fells so indignant! If it helps u, I can tell u that i been living with an arab guy for 7 yrs and never was treated in this sort of way... Of course, it is true though, that their culture/religion(I don't know where your husband is from) is very different from ours, and also I don't approve of some of the things they believe in. In my partners' culture, for example, it is not well seen that a woman smokes(I smoke) in public, it is not ok for u to relate with men outside of HIS family, etc. But I have known families that get along well, both women and men, and they are into their own beliefs and all that, which seems fine to me. But when I made a decision to live with my partner, husband or whatever u want to call it, I marked my own territory: actually I smoke, I go out with my friends, I always make my ideas clear, etc and on the long run this is what has turned out to be the best thing because you earn your self respect on your own. I even have male friends, and my partener has never been a possesive type. So, yes, culture/religion(sometimes the boundaries are unclear, I know) is definitely an influence, but it does not have to be something definite in your life. The concept of religion(I don't care which one) is really a way u CHOOSE for self improvement.Anyway, I don't really care about religion. I could write u an essay on that, and it's not the point. But I do sense u have some dualities in your life: u are cristian and do not believe in divorce: ok, but u know, are u going to put up with this humiliation from your husband all your life and see how you wear down into a self feeling of nothingness? separation could be an option instead of divorce; and it's not true that if your husband treats your kids ok, and u as total stranger with such a cold heart it's ok to keep on going just for the sake of your children; everything that your husband does to you affects the kids; you have a right to stand up for yourself like your children( in a few years they won't be children anymore). And also doesn't your husband show u any understanding because you are from a different culture like u do with him? I think u have been more tolerant than he has... Where is YOUR family? Why is it always his family that has to be around? When u marry or live with another person from a different culture there has to be some reasonable boundaries for BOTH parts, not only for one side. I don't understand his attitude, I don't think he is tolerant, I don't even think he respects his own beliefs that should be based on tolerance and love. Do you? I don't really like to talk about religion, but I think that there are people really true to their beliefs and do not act like your husband.

And also, even though there may exist different cultures with different beliefs there is one thing commeon to all humanity: when there is true love and respect it leads to a true path of freedom and tolerance.

I wouldn't blame u for crying... What about him going to the bar whenever he has a wim? Why can't u go without him wanting to KILL u, or whatever... I just can't understand it .. He's looking at different ladies? Well, what a guy! You're following your beliefs and he is trampling all over them? No, this is not right.



jani
1898 days ago
I moved out here 23 years ago and my parents followed. My parents died in 2006. No siblings. Sorry I vented. Thanks for the help.



stitlskin
1898 days ago
Hi jani, glad to hear from u again and see you are ok. You can vent all you want!!! Nobody is pushing to make a decision but I think just pointing out that it is unfair that your husband ignores you, gets mad... It just seems that you are such a comitted family person that you are really worth it! I hope your husband can find someone like you! :)

Anyway, I hope you find happiness in your marriage or whichever option you take. i am sure you will find a solution!

Sorry, it's true you stated in your first msg that your parents are not with you anymore. I know it's very hard to be alone, but it seems you have incredible children! Take care and hear from you soon... And pls vent all u want! Stitls



theangeloflaw15
1080 days ago
Hello Jani,

It has been a while since you posted your life predicament. If you choose to share I would be really interested to hear how far you've come in your life and what choices you've made. My heart goes out to such a loyal mother and wife. Tears are the expression of the heart and when the heart hurts there are times when tears are uncontrollable. I really feel that it is time you separate from holding onto your 20 some years of your marriage. If you release yourself from it, you HAVE not failed. If you decide to stay with it, then you MUST find alternative options to live a happy life. Regardless of your decision your children will be happy, they will always have you. It is amazing that you stay in such positive spirits with them, especially when it comes to encouraging them to have a bond or see their father in a different light. I wish you could see what many of us have seen when reading your letter on this website, you are such a gifted individual who truly has to honor herself. Your happiness is in your control and the way it has sounded...you have not been happy with your situation.. So that means time to make changes to be in the situation where you are in control of. You cannot control your husband but you can control you.. I will have you in my prayers.