Throughout my life, even though I know people are using me, I tend to feel worthless unless someone needs me. My husband demand a lot from me and doesn't really help where it really counts with my children nor does he have a job so I am the sole provider for my entire household, him included. When it gets to be too much and I voice to him that it's getting to be too much to have to hold up the house solo, it becomes an arguement and he tells me that he doesn't need me or my money and that he doesn't need me to do anything for him. Hearing that he doesn't need me makes me feel worthless and I tend to fold and do what he wants because of feeling that if he doesn't need me for anything that I'm not worth anything.


Answers


bella
924 days ago
Hi - it seems you associate your self worth in others and feel the need to please. Since you're the one with the only job and the money, I suspect your husband knows what buttons to push, to reel you back in. It could be a codependent relationship. How long has he been unemployed? I think you should consider getting counseling and your husband needs to get a job - its not fair you're the one working and he doesn't even help with your children. You want to feel worthwhile, even if you're not doing things for him or others.

Relationships should be a healthy balance of give and take. Many times partners match up because they each have a need - you need to please and your husband likes to take. Try to resist when he dangles mean criticism. Do you think you learned this as a child? Here's an article you may recognize in yourself, even though your spouse isn't sick:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/11/do-you-need-to-be-needed/

This is also a good article:

http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html



ImNotOkay
924 days ago
I am reading one of the articles from a link you sent me and I'm trying to write down some things that occured in my childhood that may have contributed to this feeling. He has been unemployed for a little more than a year and as I know how hard it is to get a job in this economy, I still made a way to gain another means of income sufficient enough to make ends meet. He on the other hand never follows through completely with new ideas and endeavors. With him telling me he doesn't need me for anything and then to see someone else do those things for him hurts me and I know he does it because he knows it does. Although I know he is spiteful and vengeful in his actions, I still desire for him to need and want me. Now that I think about it, this is almost an exact replica of a relationship I was in previous to my marriage. It's a pattern and I just want to know why I feel this way and what to do to change associating my self-worth in others.



bella
924 days ago
Its good you recognize this is a pattern and the best way to change, is working with a therapist. Like you said, you managed to get another job even though the economy is bad. He should be following through, actively looking and willing to take jobs under his field even. Its like you're the mother and he's the teenager.

Many women are people pleasers and have trouble saying no. You don't want people liking you only when you're doing stuff for them and disrespecting you when you're not or when you confront them. How's your self esteem? This dysfunctional doesn't always come from childhood - sometimes its one significant relationship in adulthood that sets the unhealthy pattern.