So okay, I am a depressive person seeking help in several ways and my question is this: Why aren't my friends and husband being supportive?

I have tried to explain it to them but I guess they don't really care because they literally turn their backs to me. My husband says he doesn't understand how I feel but refuses to listen to me about it or read up on the subject even though I bought him a book which would be very helpful. The book, by the way, is "Talking to Depression" by Claudia Strauss and I found it to be easy reading and very helpful in explaining how depression feels to the sufferer and what kind of things are helpful and what isn't.

My girlfriends just change the subject when I mention how I feel. As if I am just there to be their sounding board they change the subject to themselves and their petty issues. After spending time with any of them I actually feel worse. I have even (and not dramatically) mentioned suicidal tendencies and none of them has ever so much as made a supportive comment to me such as "Oh no, please don't do anything like that!".

I really have no evidence that anyone cares. Do they not believe my pain? How can a friend not be able to muster up some sympathy for me when I have always been there for them to talk to? Are my relationships really that one-sided and I never knew because I never needed help from them before? Seriously, I believe a stranger would care more.

I am kind of shocked at their reaction because I used to think they cared. But all evidence is to the contrary. I think I really am all alone in this world.


Answers


zanzivar
1960 days ago
Degas, First of all - don't think of the people here as strangers. Think of all of us as your friends and I know that we are all looking out for your welfare.

I know the kind of people who don't support you. I have plenty of them too. But people don't mean it when they appear not to support you...everyone is just caught up in their own issues. That's what our generation has produced I'm afraid. Life is just too busy for everyone now and no-one seems to be able to stop and catch their breath anymore. We all basically need to slow down or stop to smell the roses.

I hope that you will be able to get the support you need from this site. I can really understand your pain because I have been suicidal a lot of the time and I wouldn't say that I am fully safe just yet. But I am getting there and I have more good days than bad days now. So... How do we get you to that stage?

I think you need someone outside of the family and your friends to help you throughout this difficult time. Find a mental health community centre and talk to somebody there. I swear to you that you will find people who are like saints there and who will give you some tremendous support. It will be like getting your hair done and you will feel faboulous after.

Another thing I would tell you to do is to have a really good hard cry for yourself when you are feeling so sad. You will be getting rid of a load of toxins in your body by doing this. Your eyes may feel very sore afterwards but your body will feel so relieved and refreshed. If it doesn't, it means you haven't got it all out yet so keep thinking of sad events until you've cried it all out.

Your relationships are probably one-sided. That's probably because that particular group of friends look on you as their agony aunt. They rely on you rather than you relying on them. But in the midst of it all - you feel that no-one is there for you. Now though you have us degas, and you need never feel alone again. We may never meet in person but our minds can touch each other through our writing. I'm a firm believer that we are all one big family anyway and that we all know each other really well on another level. It's just that we haven't realised it yet. In the bible - Jesus said "Love one another as I have loved you." So if He can do it so can We, can't we?? I hope I didn't sound too corney in my post degas, (the next one I do, I could swear in it!) but you sound like a terrific person listening to everybody else and I hope that you will find the right people who will make you feel special and wanted.

Love Zanzivar.



bella
1960 days ago
Very good post Zanzivar :)



degas
1960 days ago
Thank you so much for your sympathetic response! Honestly, a little kindness goes such a long way. And although I hate to be a crybaby, you did bring the tears to my eyes.

I AM seeking help from the professionals and will be joining a group program next week. Over the past few years I have tried eight (count 'em, 8!) different antidepressants with little to no relief. Two months ago I ended up in the ER twice due to the withdrawal of Serzone and Celexa and the introduction of Effexor. The ER team diagnosed me with alcohol withdrawal and sent me home. My psychiatrist won't see me anymore because I have now rejected the meds. I have been to the point of abandoning hope itself as a concept that is meaningless. Then to have people close to me to back away as if I am a bomb about to explode and they don't want any mess on them, well, it's making things worse for me.

I am humbly grateful for the show of support that I have received from psych central. I continue to fight the fight.



bella
1960 days ago
I'm sorry you're feeling like no one cares. I don't think it's a simple as that though. Even though it's better today, there's still a stigma attached to mental illness - some people are uncomfortable dealing or talking about it because they don't understand or are afraid of it due to lack of education. I think people who suffer from it or have had family members with mental illness understand and empathize easier. It's good that you tried to give your husband a book on depression. I don't understand why he wouldn't want to read it or listen to you.

The same thing goes for your friends. If you're the one who's usually the giver and the one who solves their problems, it could be they're not used to the change and don't realize that it should be a 2 way street. It could also be due to what I said in the 1st paragraph. Sometimes it takes something serious to make us realize that our friends aren't as sincere as we thought. You may need to re-evaluate your friendships or have a sincere talk and explain what you need from them. Sometimes when people are in pain they assume or expect others to do something and then we get disappointed when it doesn't happen. Perhaps you can explain to them nicely, what you want from them without blaming them and see what they say. In addition there are some people who are shallow and just can't empathize with other peopls's suffering or don't want to be brought down by other people's sadness. I hope this isn't the case with your husband or friends.

I assure you that you're not alone in this world. There are people who care and are willing to listen. Please feel free to vent your frustrations here or in the forum section of psychcentral.com. I hope you feel better soon, hugs Bella.



degas
1960 days ago
Thanks for your response Bella! What you say is true. I have always been known as the strong person with my feet firmly on the ground and a sympathetic ear for a friend. I guess no one wants to acknowledge the fact that I could have (and quietly have had for some time) issues of my own. I have only recently, (come to think of it since I've been off the meds), become more angry than morose and that may also be throwing them off a little bit. And I AM angry that no one will throw me a bone, at least a compliment or a pat on the back. While I am dealing with huge existential issues they want to bring the subject back to the dinner they are planning or their boyfriend's niece's dog's behavior problems. As if they really believe that I give a shit. I guess I won't pretend to anymore. Also I believe that when you have to ask for what you need it somehow devalues the gift when you receive it. I think new friendship is required in my case. Thanks for being there for me in the meantime.



Edahn
1960 days ago
Show / Hide



Edahn
1960 days ago
I am always up for a debate. :)

I think love is basically a form of genuine care. It is hoping the best for that person. It also requires, however, that you are able to be yourself and open up.

Pity, sympathy, and praise all fall into the general category of "strokes." They give people a certain warm, fuzzy, gushy feeling inside that temporarily clouds their fears of abandonment and unworthiness. There are people who are addicted to these strokes and play games in order to procure them. That's the basis of Transactional Analysis. The exchange of strokes, in my opinion, is about masking fears and getting people to accept you on a short-term basis.

If you love someone and care for them, you might give them these strokes to help them, it's true. But these strokes come at a cost: everyone sacrifices authenticity. They are forced to play a play a role and generate feelings of warmth and care on the spot, and constantly. People (like, I believe, the friends referred to by our questioner) end up becoming exhausted and resent the game. It's not that they don't care, but rather that they want their care to have fewer restrictions. They don't want to have to generate care (in the form of superficial pity or praise) on demand.

And that brings us to why this isn't a real form of love. As I said above, love requires that you are able to be yourself and care. When you are playing this type of pity-game (by the way, the word "game" comes out of Transactional Analysis) you do not let people express care at their own pace and in their own form. You place demands that they show care on YOUR schedule, and in the form that YOU want. It prevents them from being themselves and also shows a lack of care and regard for THEIR integrity and well-being. In so doing, it vitiates both elements of love.



degas
1960 days ago
Okay, thanks for your response, but I'm not quite ready for tough love yet.

A little sympathy from people close to me would be nice and I don't think it is an outrageous request for me to make in light of some serious life issues that I've recently had. But pity? Ha! I would spit on their pity and throw it right back. Pity implies that the pitier has some sort of superiority over the pitied. I believe, in my depressed state, that I have the more superior viewpoint than my uninspired and shallow friends. They haven't been where I am and seen what I've seen or know what I know. Remember that I am speaking with an angry and depressed voice. I know that. I am taking it into consideration. Pity also implies a judgement that they are unqualified to make. So - pity is never welcomed by anyone.

Sympathy is a passive enough attitude that anyone should be able to offer and/or accept. It means that "I care and hope things get better". No action is required to remedy the bad situation, but the good will is understood.

That's all I'm asking for.

And for the record, I am not an attention-seeker nor have I ever been histrionic in my entire lifetime. I don't behave that way. I have given no one any reason to find me tiresome. And anyway, if someone was acting out in a bid to receive attention wouldn't the best thing be to give them some. Would it really be prudent to withhold the attention they clearly need in order to prove a point. Sometimes people have to go to great (unhealthy) lengths to get the attention they require.

No offense taken by the way, I appreciate the chance to express myself.



deenamoore
1928 days ago
hmmm



zanzivar
1960 days ago
Hey Edahn, Fancy a debate?? I think pity and sympathy is actually a form of love for an individual. I know that if I have pity on someone, I have feelings for them in the heart area. It may not be a huge form of love but sometimes it's only a small bit that a person wants. I see nothing at all wrong with it.

I'll be the first to admit that I love a bit of attention. Doesn't it make us feel wanted and special? Fair enough you might have some individuals who seem to want attention all the time but these would be few and far between. Most people are just looking for the right words to be said to them in order to feel whole again. I reckon it would fill you up again. You can't love yourself completely without feedback from others. We have to have mirrors otherwise we can become very disheartened. One of the most important reasons we are here on earth is to have shared experiences with others for this is when we are at our best. It is only right then that we seek some form of attention especially if it is lacking for a long time.

What do you think or maybe Degas could joing us?

Love Zanzivar.



degas
1960 days ago
Thanks for the invite.

Yeah, here's the problem I have with the whole "you have to love yourself first" notion. My response is always this: If no one else does, why should I? I think that nobody has a mirror inside themselves that shows them as they really are. I am jealous of those people whose self-image is way above and beyond reality. I wonder where that warped sense of self-worth comes from. In my depressed state I believe that it doesn't matter who you are, what you do or how you look, as long as you believe you're the greatest and smartest and prettiest. Can that be true? In that case, let's all pretend.

I admit that I can't see myself so I count on others to do some reflecting for me. If they never show me anything pretty how can I fool myself? Yeah, maybe I need a Mommy or a Daddy to tell me how special I am. Well, since it's way too late for that now, couldn't a friend or spouse work up a little enthusiasm for me? Not constantly, but ONCE?

Sorry if I sound hateful at times. I'm really a pretty nice person, ask anyone who knows me. Nice.

in friendship to all, degas



Edahn
1960 days ago
I could flip that around and just as easily ask: why SHOULDN'T you love and care for yourself, even if others don't?



Edahn
1959 days ago
Another questions: why should your friends be expected to show love to you while you are not expected to show love for yourself? Doesn't that seem a bit incongruent?



zanzivar
1960 days ago
Degas, Of course you are angry that people won't acknowledge you. I would be the same as well. If I don't have regular understanding or regular feedback then I can go down-hill very easily. But there maybe no reason to change your friends. If you are not getting what you want from these friends then who is to say that you will get it from other friends. You need to sort these ones out first or experiment with them.

Edahn, I love the description you gave about what you call strokes in your fifth sentence. When I read your entire post, I said to myself, "God, I'll never be able to match that!" It was a very intelligent post and my vocabulary isn't very big. However, it reminds me of a particular character in our bar who has been broken-hearted for months. Everyday he was in he seemed to becoming worse and worse over his break-up with his wife. Now we did everything to console him but we didn't seem to be getting anywhere. We did indeed feel like giving up on him and we became extremely exasperated with him. But do you know what? We crossed many barriers with him. At first we pitied and sympathised with him. Then we became fed up and even angry with him. Then we became forceful with him and told him to pull himself together and eventually we LISTENED to him. Yes, we listened! The problem was not with him but with us. When we got to this point our advice for him took on a whole new meaning. We sounded so wise and when we did he sat up and took notice. After that we left him talk away as much as he liked and there was an enormous improvement with him. Now he is a different man altogether!

I would therefore say that if a person is looking for attention then they Should Demand it. They should Demand it so much that the people around will sit up and take notice. A person seeking attention therefore in my eyes is actually a gift to humanity and can bring out the best in those around them.

zanzivar



Edahn
1960 days ago
Degas, thanks for responding so calmly and respectfully. It shows a lot of character and class, so much that I'm reconsidering my assessment of the situation. Trying to give advice over the internet is tricky because you have to fill in gaps based on very little information.

I assumed you were looking for a form of pity (maybe a species of pity) but I'm not 100% sure because of what you said. You said you don't want pity but sympathy, and you said to bella that "I AM angry that no one will throw me a bone, at least a compliment or a pat on the back." I still see this as a form of stroking, although a less severe form. More severe forms are observed in full-blown Borderline Personality Disorder, which you don't seem to have. I commend you for saying that you throw pity back in their face! That also shows a lot of character.

Regarding your friends, I am still not sure. Maybe, as you said, they're shallow people and are just don't have the potential to identify and understand you. Maybe they do have the potential, but are worn out. Maybe they do not want to get sucked into your anger and sad outlook for fear of becoming depressed themselves. They might be too agitated and afraid of stagnation-depression (term I made up) that they can't just sit still and listen for fear of slowing down and stopping. In other words, they have their own issues that prevent them. (I'm putting my money on that one.) It could be a combination of all these factors.

You could try to give YOURSELF more encouragement to make up for the lack of encouragement you've been getting from your friends. It might be a good idea to start to expect less from others and more from yourself, even if your expectations are reasonable. Perhaps you could just use your friends for company, rather than consolation. If you decide your friends are just inexorably annoying, you could always start branching out a bit and seeing if you can make some additional friends.



bella
1959 days ago
Wow this was an interesting debate - sorry I missed it all. My 7 yr old had soccer playoffs in the morning, then we had to go to her friends birthday party that lasted most of the day.

I have to commend you Dagus for handling yourself very well during this discussion. I think you're very articulate and stronger than you realize - you gave very wise answers. I think you don't even need your friends support because you have that strong sense inside.

It's hard to tell why your friends aren't reaching out to you. It may be what I said earlier or what Edahn said. I think nowadays it's very difficult to find true friendship. I think society also lacks general empathy for others. You could try talking to them or just find new friends. Just remember if they need something from you, not to be charitable back - I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around.

How long have you been depressed? Do you think it's circumstantial or something deeper. I think sometimes depression is actually 'internalized anger'. Is there something in your life that's frustrating you?

You're right it does feel good when people care, but unfortunately we don't always get what we need. In that case you can do what Edahn suggested and depend on yourself. Right now in my life that's how I feel - I am my own rock.

I am interested to know if you think this is circumstantial depression - meaning if things were to change (ex - happier marriage) would you be happier or is this more serious such as organic depression? I will talk to you more tomorrow, once you answer back. Sometimes what people need is to talk and let a load off their chest! You take care hugs, Bella



degas
1959 days ago
Hi Bella - Your last paragraph asks a question that I have been puzzling over as well. Here is the evidence I have that my depression is circumstantial: Within the last two years (perhaps a few months more) I have lost my father to mesothelioma, my mother to colon cancer, and my beloved mother-in-law to lung cancer. Both of my kids left for college one after the other. Then my dog died! Followed by one cat to old age and then the young cat to feline kidney failure. I endured the humiliating shock of a lost opportunity and a kind of repressed memory (see my prior posting). Then I turned 50 which means that menopause is tapping at my shoulder reminding me that time's a'waistin. So yeah, due to these circumstances I am depressed.

But, on the other hand: other people suffer many worse losses than I have and still get out of bed every day. Also, this is not my first bout with depression. In fact, I was what I've recently seen categorized as an "overly sensitive child". Pathetic really. I cried ALL THE TIME. I was bullied by my older brother who would deliberately make me cry and my mother who thought this was clever, I guess, because she would toss in her own specifically hurtful taunts. No, my dad never stepped in. So maybe my temperament was always susceptible to depression which would make it seem organic in nature.

I know it comes down to the question of resilience. Are you born with it? I wasn't. Add to this childhood my singular experience of adolescence. Due to family circumstances (that's a whole nother story) I ended up going to 9 different schools in 5 different states before I graduated high school and was on my own.

I guess depression is a combination of the organic plus the circumstantial. But, I also had many successful and productive years. It's just recently that I have become frustrated with the way things have turned out I guess. I feel trapped in this life now that doesn't seen to define me. Where I have ended up isn't where I wanted to be somehow. And I have a lot of misery to call on when I am feeling down. I don't know...



Fpsy
1959 days ago
Hi Degas,

what expectations did you have of your life? where do want to be? What would be a meaningful life for you?



degas
1959 days ago
Thanks for your response Fpsy. Your questions for me are spot on. I realize that I did have some vague expectations of my life but in a kind of passive way. I guess like Cinderella I assumed good things would just happen for me. Maybe it's because of how I was tossed around in my early life that the idea of having any control over my destiny never really surfaced. I am looking for love and art and beauty and fellowship and acceptance and (dare I say?) admiration.

Although I may not publish the answers, believe me I will be pondering these questions and making my mental lists. I think the solution lies somewhere in there.



bella
1959 days ago
Thanks for the reply and for information about your history. I would agree that your depression is both circumstantial and organic(possiblly). You've definately been through alot with the deaths of your parents and the transition from being a mother/feeling needed to an empty nest. I wonder if you've had your hormones checked and perhaps you're already in menopause or peri-menopause. How long have you been married? I think you're at a crossroads in your life and you're questioning if this is where you want to be? In your first post you were questioning if you 'missed the boat' or opportunity with the musician and you compared that notion with your life now. This is similar to the famous saying 'the grass is greener on the other side'. Anyway is forming a new life with that guy possible? You can't dwell on the thought that you missed a great oppotunity with that guy because you don't know for sure if it would have worked.

Even though you're at a crossroad in your life, I don't think you should be contemplating any major decision until you feel relief from your depression. It's not good to make decisions when you're upset because you don't want to have regrets.

The important goal right now is how can you make yourself feel better. Have you tried therapy? Can you start a regular exercise routine because this can change your life. It's also important to eat as healthy as possible and take time to relax - meditation and feeling calm will help you feel more centered, where you'll be able to make clear decisions. Another thing that's great is to keep a journal and write down things you're grateful for - this will take you out of feeling pessimistic.

As you mentioned in your history you're were bullied by your brother and felt unsupported by your mom. Then later you probably had trouble fitting in with so many different schools. I think this set the stage for believing that you're a victim and at the mercy of other people emotionally. This could be why you're so frustrated and angry with your friends and husband now!

I think deep inside you're ANGRY and that's okay. I think you need to get that anger out. You're probably confused because in the previous paragraph I was telling you to meditate and find things to be grateful for. That's why therapy would be good for you. You need to explore your anger and I think when you release it, you will feel better and know what you need to do. I think you need to release that inner victim and set her free and say "I no longer want to be a victim to my emotions anymore". I think we all saw a little of that when you stuck up for yourself here.

We all know that life SUCKS sometimes and yes there's good reason to feel sad sometimes, but we have to move on with life. People don't realize that we CAN change our attitude to a winning strong one. Sometimes are emotions are 'red flags' to warn us that somethings off balance in our lives and it needs attention.

So my advice to you is get a complete physical from your doctor. With doctors consent get into a regular exercise routine and stick with it. Take a good multivitamin, additional vitamin D supplement and also Omega 3 fish oil supplement(good quality) - good for depression. Take 15min. at least a day to calm your mind and do deep breathing exercises. Do pleasurable activities in your liesure time and learn a new hobby or activity. Take up volunteering for something you feel PASSIONATE about. Then when you're in a peaceful place you can slowly start finding solutions for bettering your life. It's time to stop accepting that you have to be a victim to people or circunstances - I'm not blaming you here because I don't think you even realized this. You are this way because of the pattern that you developed as a child. You seem very smart and I'm confident that you can feel better. Hugs, Bella



degas
1959 days ago
Hi Bella, your response and advice is very valuable to me. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. Truly.

In regard to the ex-bf (what to call him?) I know the relationship would not have worked out in the long run. But I'm not sure that any relationships work out in long runs. I think that meeting him again was the event that triggered my depression. See, I had almost completely forgotten him. Whenever I reminisced about old boyfriends our encounter was not the most meaningful. In fact I couldn't remember his name (she says with a bit of shame). He was just a pretty ship that passed in the night. When I saw him again on stage so many years later I didn't recognize him. Not only that, I didn't know who he was as an artist. I was completely unaware of his work, of his fame. I got the chance to hang out with him at the bar after the show where he took me by surprise with some sweet and sexy things he whispered in my ear. (Another missed opportunity!) The realization of who he was and our previous involvement took me several months to absorb and believe. And it hit me hard! I know it's not my husbands fault but I resent him now for changing my destiny. I resent him for being there when another opportunity came around too.

My husband and I are seeing a counselor because I told him I wanted a divorce. Our counselor gave me the same advice as you: don't make any decisions while I am in a depressed state. The trouble is, how will I know when I am no longer depressed and when I am thinking clearly? And I know that I have to keep this ex-bf thing a secret because first of all, who would believe me and second, it would be hurtful to my husband. I just can't seem to be able to fold it up and put it away. I keep looking for some meaning in it. And yes, I do feel like a victim of my circumstances now that you mention it.

I need a plan.

Thanks for caring, degas



zanzivar
1959 days ago
Sure God love you, Degas, and I mean that. I'm saying this out of pity or sympathy (because I don't know you personally) but I can guarantee you that I can 'hear' you in your post.

I think you have expressed yourself tremendously! You gave us your sadness, your frustration, anger and depressive state. It's great to see someone so truthful...no-body can do anything if they don't have the proper truth. I have this problem actually with my mental health doctor. When I tell him the truth (exactly what my thoughts are or my feelings) he seems to become afraid and thinks that I am getting worse! If he becomes afraid then how is the ordinary population able to respond! You wouldn't mind but this is a fellow who is the head over all the other doctors! So there's one for you Degas.

My community mental health nurse is totally different. He always knows what I am saying and is ready and willing with his propositions. He's a master and I wish that you could find someone else like him.

When it comes to friends and family my observations (comes from studying people in my bar) are that people long to be accepted by each other. They tend though to stick together in groups where they feel safe. Our role as publicans is to get them to broaden their horizons and get them to mingle as one big group rather than small individual ones. The ideal is to have everyone knowing each other so that everytime they come in there will always be someone there for them. But that ideal is not always achievable and there are several reasons for this. You have groups who become what I would term as possessive who stick to who they know no matter what. You have married couples who sit in silence with one another and you have individuals who will never fit into a group of people because they are either annoying or vulgar. However, the majority of people want to know as many people as they can.

Most people start off talking about the weather and progress from there. Sometimes conversations are only about broad topics like who died around the area, what was on the news, who played what matches or where they went on holidays. When it comes to talking about problems though, people have to first of all absorb this knowledge which could take a few days even, ask themselves how it would effect them if it happened to them and lastly to give advice. I see this in action all the time and sometimes it appears that no-one has heard what you say. Do you know what I mean Degas? Even now on this site we have read your posts and gone off to think about what to write back to you. Anyway I went off on a bit of a rant there but I'm going on my intuition as to what to write and sometimes we might be writing for someone else who is visiting the site if our posts do not ring true for the person it was intended to.

But I really know how you feel Degas. Today I was very depressed over my brother committing suicide and there were weird thoughts in my head. I went upstairs to have a good cry and in my mind I kept asking David not to commit suicide. But sure he already has! It was as if I was talking to him in the past before he committed suicide and I just bawled and bawled and I would have given anything to have some nice arms around me but there was no-one there at that particular time so I just held his photograph to my breast. So now Degas, you can have pity or sympathy on me and I will welcome it. Thank you very much.

Love Zanzivar.



degas
1959 days ago
Thanks Zanzivar (if that really is your name)! Regarding telling the Truth: Yeah, I think people are really afraid of it. And many of us don't recognize it when it hits us square in the face. If anyone should be able to understand that I think that would be our doctors, right?

We sense right away when our truth is not accepted and sometimes it makes us change our story. We need to stick to what we know is true.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother having committed suicide. Sounds like we both know what despair he must have felt. Sometimes I do feel bad enough to consider that alternative but I remind myself what terrible damage that does to our survivors. I don't want anyone else to feel guilty over something that wasn't in the least bit their fault. Still the pain is sometimes unbearable. And unknowable by others. Depression takes away our free will.

Thanks for having shared all of this. You have my sympathy for you are a good and kind person which is all that we should be.

God bless us all, Degas



bella
1959 days ago
I think it's positive that you know what triggered this recent depression. In your last response to Fpsy you mentioned that admiration is one of the things you're longing for. This is what your musician friend gave you when he whispered in your ear. He stirred exciting feelings that you perhaps haven't felt in a while. You're also honest about how you resent your husband for upsetting what you think could have been a better life - your destiny as you call it. I think we are all where we should be at this moment be it, good or bad. If you didn't marry your husband you wouldn't have your children - right. You have no way of knowing if that man would have made you truly happy. Did he ever get married or is he married now?

Do you truly love your husband now and does he love you? I think you're also questioning what you want to do with the rest of your life. As you mentioned before times ticking. I think also as women get older we feel less desirable, wanting to hang on to feeling that passion. We want to FEEL wanted. Is it posssible for you to get that from your husband. If you do end up splitting from your husband, maybe you should contact that man(if he's not married) - at least then you would have closure. But I wouldn't want you to end up disappointed.

To answer your question on how will you know when it's time to make decisions. I think you'll know when you make the lifestyle changes I told you before - when you feel your life is more balanced. I think we're all searching for the true meaning of a fulfilling life - what's your legacy for the next half (God willing) of your life. As women I think we get caught up in being a WIFE and MOTHER, then we lose sight of who we really are. Once the marriage fades and the kids leave home, some women start questioning - "now what do I do with myself, is that all there is??

Hopefully through marriage counselling you and your husband will discover if you should stay together or not. I think many married couples forget about what attracted them in the beginning and how to appreciate each other. I think you're on the right track for now. Glad I could help a little. :)



Edahn
1959 days ago
I'm sticking with my original assessment and advice. I'm not saying that to make you feel bad, but I think that based on what you've said, you're expecting people to soothe your symptoms of depression with adoration, admiration (like you said yourself) or inspiration. I still think your solution lies in providing them for yourself and finding a new way to look at your life-situation with gentleness and hope, rather than looking for others to provide that view for you. If you generate it from the inside, it will last much longer and help you heal more profoundly. I have lots of hope for you and I hope you start to see what I see.

Best of luck,

Edahn



degas
1958 days ago
If only I knew how! I accept that I might be putting too much faith in what others think but honestly sometimes I can't tell what the truth is and while I think there may be some potential that we each have in us, I can't seem to find it by myself.

Anyway, to everyone involved in this discussion I say thank you THANK YOU thank you. I have learned so much by this. I can't seem to figure out this rating + and - thing. I'm afraid I've only given you 1's but you all deserve the top ratings from me.

Thanks again. But enough about me, God how I blabbed. I'm finished with this subject and I'm going off to lick my wounds and have a good therapeutic cry and then see what's left.

all love, degas



bella
1958 days ago
Degus,

regarding the rating - a person can only vote once positive or negative. So if you see 2 votes, that means you and another person voted. If someone wanted to play around, another person could vote negative and that would bring the 2 to 1. Anyway I'm glad you're pleased with the discussions that took place. I also think you did well recieving some of the challenging statements and you seem like a very fair person. Don't worry about talking to much - sometimes it feels great to let the 'floodgates open WIDE'. I'm sure you'll find your way when the time is right. Best of luck to you!! I'll pray for you, Bella



Fpsy
1958 days ago
Hey Degus,

here is a weblink to a short values questionnaire. It is designed to help you think about what kinds of things would direct you towards living a meaningful life. Deep down inside, what is important to you? What do you want your life to stand for? What sort of qualities do you want to cultivate as a person? How do you want to be in your relationships with others? Values are our heart's deepest desires for the way we want to interact with and relate to the world, other people, and ourselves. They are leading principles that can guide us and motivate us as we move through life and they help us to leading a meaningful and satisfying life.

Try it out and see if it helps, I mean what have you got to loose, it's free and there is no catch. It might help you to organize your thoughts and find out ways of working towards what you value.

http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Values_Questionnaire.pdf

I hope this helps.



Clyde
1942 days ago
Degas,

I hope it worked well with you. Basically, a good thing to do would be or try to be sympathetic and empathetic with others problems and issues as well. In that way, you get two things going on:

1) you forget your problems for a bit

2) your friends realize you care for them too.

Hopefully this helps you.

Best,

Clyde