Avatar Posted by Jen29 22 days ago (Question)
Today is the anniversary of my grandmother's death, 12 years ago today she left the world. She was the closest person to me, and I miss her so much.
I can't deal with the depression and anxiety and taking the pills to feel better for an hour or to sleep. I am so angry lately, I don't know why or maybe because I am still alive.
I have been to the Pdoc twice in less than a week. I was given valium the first time to get through the weekend, then on monday was given ativan, and then just thursday i called and he increased the ativan...IT'S NOT WORKING!
I constantly dream about commiting suicide. I see my psychologist on a regular basis. I go out with friends when I am up to it which isn't very often. I hate to leave my room, but lately I really want to be alone in the house. I want my dad and step-mom to leave, probably so I can do what I want. I can take as many pills as I want, I can hurt myself in whatever way i want to.
I want this all to be over NOW. Not tomorrow or 3 hours from now...NOW!
Many may say you need to go to the ER or hospital or call someone. But the hospital doesn't work for me anymore. Nothing is seeming to work for me.
anyways, does anyone else have this same feeling, or gone through this and made it.
I REALLY believe I will NOT make it.
Thanks for listening.
Jen


Answers

Written by Chemar 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

(((Jen))) so sorry you are suffering and especially how you feel today missing your grandmother

I does seem you are doing what is needed by seeing your docs and trying to get the meds to help. Seems to me your pdoc should be considering different meds if these have no effect, even at increased dose

I understand how you feel about the ER, but also try to think what your grandmother would say if she were with you...I feel pretty sure she would want you to LIVE and that it would break her heart for you to take your life.

if you dont feel able to go to the ER, would you please consider talking to someone on the phone at

1-800-273-TALK

1-800-273-8255

or

1-800-SUICIDE

1-800-784-2433

and we are here too!

plus there is a very caring support group at

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum29.html

I hope you will continue to reach out for support

((((Jen))))

Written by bellacutie 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Would you mind telling me how old you are?? I'm sorry you're so sad and still mourning the loss of your Grandmother. Your grandmother must have been a great lady - what do you think she would say to you right now?? I think she would want you to make the best of your life.

I haven't thought about suicide but I did lose a brother to it a year and a half ago. I know the shock, pain and devastation to friends and family members it causes. The important thing is to relaize these feelings won't last forever and you need to wait for them calm down. You obviously feel sad because your grandmothers gone - how do you think your family would feel if you were gone??

Since she was the closest person to you - I think you should pay tribute to her by visiting her grave or making a special scrapbook with pictures and memories. She would want you to live your life to the fullest and that's the best way to pay her back for all the love she gave you. Maybe one day you will also be an awesome grandmother yourself. Here is a very good link:

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

Written by Jen29 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you to both that responded, I am 30 years old. I know my grandmother would want me to be out of pain and be happy, I know suicide isn't what she would think, but I don't know another way out. 15 years of deeply depressing. And now I have parts to me that are really scaring me. I haven't told anyone except 2 friends, and my psychologist knows. We are working on them, but I don't know how much longer I can go with this.

I probably am self-ish, but I usually am not like this. I am trying to find people out there to help me die, but haven't found anyone yet.

Anyways, I just took 4mg ativan and well see if it help calm me down or just knocks me out.

Thanks again,

Jen

Written by bellacutie 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I understand you're having alot of mental anguish. Unfortunately many people do encounter bad things in their lives. I think your grandmother would want you to be alive and happy. I realize you're feeling alot of mental pain and you think this is the way out. Instead of looking for a way out, why not accept the pain - let it come and don't resist it. You don't need a way out. Please don't look for someone to help you die because there are very disturbed people who will do exactly the opposite of what we're doing.

Tell me more about your depression - what kind of depression is it and when did it start?? Is there any self help methods that help you, like exercise or talking? Just remember that you don't have to listen to the negative messages your brain is telling you. Please be patient - I have had many stressful events happen to me but I don't let it overpower my emotions. Hang in there and keep talking - okay? :) Bella

Written by Jen29 22 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

My depression started as a very young child. I don't recall much of my childhood, but from what I remember it wasn't fun. I was diagnosed with depression at age 17. I have since been diagnosed with Anxiety, PTSD, BPD, and possibly DID.

Things are so CRAZY around here. It took 8 mg of ativan and a shot of 10mg of valium from the ER. When I got home I took another 2 mg of ativan and my trazadone and other meds I am to take. I feel asleep about 2 hours after the er appointment and now it's 4:30 in the morning and am WIDE awake. It's very frusterating, and am waiting for my chickness to go away so I will JUST DO IT!.

I do have some exercising I do, but with it being so cold and windy it's not fun to be outside. We usually bring the dog to the park, but it's that time of year again. I have a few friends that I talk to, but I am scared they will tell my dad what I say so I really am not myself, well don't really know myself anymore, around them.

Thanks for listeing and the great advise.

Hugs,

Jen

Written by bellacutie 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thanks for the reply Jen - I know it's not fun to walk when it's cold, but if you bundle up it's not too bad once you get moving. Unfortunately those medicines don't actually give that normal peaceful sleep. Once they start to wear off you wake up. Do you see a psychiatrist on a regular basis? I am happy to talk to you during this difficult time. Please try to stay calm and be safe.

Written by Jen29 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I do see my pdoc on a regular basis, once a month, but lately it's been every week for a while. I ended up in the ER last night and got a shot of 10mg of Valium. Killed my arm, but didn't really help. Came home and took what they told me to take, and slept about 3 hours off and on. I just feel like a failure because I can't do anything right.

I just wish I could find someone out there, and I know if I search hard enought I will be able to find that person to help me die. I don't know what brought on that idea, but it came and I have been trying it. So far no good.

Thank again.

Written by Chemar 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Dear Jen

I hope you will decide that you want to find someone to help you live rather than help you die.

please consider calling 1-800-273-TALK

It's anonymous and will just provide someone for you to talk to one on one, free and no pressure.

Written by bellacutie 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I agree with Chemar that you should call that number - you can also continue to talk here. People who would encourage and help people die are evil criminals who do it for their own sick reasons. Life is prescious and only God decides when it's time to go.

Written by Jen29 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Thank you all. I did call one of the help line numbers last night and that's why I went to the ER for a shot. Didn't help, but eventually had enough benzodiazopines in my system that my system finally said ok time to relax.

Thanks for taking the time out of your day to reply to me and give me advise. i really am taking it to heart. I am trying my best to be good, but with the other parts in me that aren't very good it's hard. I have been just learning about having these part probably for little less then 6 months. it's very difficult to accept.

Thanks again.

Jen

Written by trinity 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Keep living.

Written by bellacutie 21 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

I'm very relieved you're feeling more calm Jen. Always try to remember when you're feeling overwhelmed that the feelings will get better. Please feel free to contact us again anytime you need to - it would be better to write a new post, since this one will end up a few pages down. Keep yourself safe and know there are people out here that care about you. Hugs, Bella

Written by Chemar 20 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

thinking of you today Jen and hoping each day gets a little better.

remember, we care!

Written by Clyde 20 days ago Rating: 0 | Rate Answer: + -

Yes, everyone here does care. Continue to let us know how you are, and realize you are not alone.

Your Grandmother is up there cheering for you, knowing that she wants you to be happy and alive to live your life to its fullest potential.

Best,

Clyde


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