Here is the deal. We have been married for 13 years and have 4 children. We are happily married and are in NO WAY going to divorce or separate or anything like that. Every time something good happens in my life, my wife gets sad and depressed because it is not happening to her. It could be anything from winning a softball game or me losing weight, etc... She says she needs to get out more and that I am gone all the time leaving her to deal with the kids. When I do leave "all the time" it is to go to work, which she does not have a job BTW. I think i am a good husband and dad. I cook meals, clean the house, hell i even do laundry. She gets to go out with her gfs as well. Of course there is more to the story than this (I know you are all thinking that!!!!!) but this is the jist of it. What should I do? I want us to go to counseling but she will not have anything to do with that......
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Answers
Hi Lonewolfdad,
If that IS the jist of it, then it seems you are between the proverbial rock and a hard place. It seems you are trying hard; you share in the housework, look after the kids when she goes out with her friends (I presume from what you say), and are open to the idea of counseling - which many people might not be. Counseling would seem to be the obvious next step to get to the root of the issue as you describe it.
Jealousy is essentially low self esteem in the one experiencing it, if there is no real reason for it. What you describe seems more like envy, and though the two are closely linked there is a difference. Jealousy is about fear of loss of a loved one and envy is the desire for something that someone else has. Either way, the problem would seem to be your wife's sense of not realizing her potential as a person and, perhaps, feeling trapped in the role of wife and mother.
Assuming you encourage her to go out with her friends already and support her in that, then could you also encourage her to take a course or get a part-time job? What she needs is to feel as capable and connected to the world and other activities besides mothering your children, as you are - in her perception anyway.
You don't say if this is a recent development or something that's always been there. Ask her what you could do, in practical terms, to help her to have more activities outside of the house. Do you make time to include her in some of your pursuits? Maybe she just feels left out; as if you are enjoying your life without her. This may or may not be in your power to do something about.
It certainly is worth trying to understand where her insecurity is coming from and suggesting some practical ways to give her more of whatever she needs.
Dealing with an insecure spouse can be demanding! But with love and understanding and patience it can be done.
I wish you luck,
Daisy
ok all this pro shmo bable here this is more of an honest opinion man if ur doing everything possible to make her happy there really isnt much more you can do see some girls are very unstable at all ages determing factors could be child hood teen age years to adult life all this can be very stress full as you know when pms comes around better hit the bricks and hide cuz they get testy continue to wht it is ur doing but yeah counsleing probably would help
Hi there Wolf!
Is it possible shes very codependent? She doesnt want you to succeed, cause it might make her "look bad" to you in her eyes?
She has low self-esteem issues, its apparent. Probably a good thing to do is to be sincere and honest, and brag her up for her good qualities. Of course, don't do it nonstop, or it looks childish or insincere.
If she's a good cook, compliment her on her meals. Tell others about it in front of her...make her feel that she is good, which of course, she is.
Best,
Clyde