Hi,
My name is Morgan and I'm 15 years old. I'm having difficulties with my mother. She is constantly trying to control every last thing I do even when I eat. I would really love some tips on how to stop her from trying to control me. I'm almost 16 years old I'm a big girl and I should be able to make my own choices and live with them and If I make mistakes then fine I'll live with them. But at this moment in time I'm loosing my mind. I need to be in more control of my own life than my mother. I'm not sure what to do really. We don't have a good relationship because of this issue and I honestly want to have a good relationship but I won't let myself do that until she learns that I have to control my life and make my own mistakes and live with the choices I make NOT her. If anyone has any ideas on how to help it would be very much appreciate it.
Thanks so much,
Morgan


Answers


Clyde
2382 days ago
Hi Morgan,

Sadly, when you are at the age you are at, most parents do need to have control over their children. Most people your age are not emotionally, physically or even sometimes mentally mature.

However, I do want you and your mother to get better with your feelings towards each other. A good way to start would be to talk to her, explain how you feel and why. Start with something small, such as asking her to let you do this or that, and DO not mess that up. After a while, talk to her again, say, "I did this and I didnt break any rules...can I do this now?"

Hopefully that makes it smoother for her and for you both. I know you want it done yesterday, but trust me, it probably won't happen that quick.

You do make your own mistakes, true, but be happy that someone is there to help you through them. Many adults really would love that.

I wish the best for you,

Clyde



LittleWing
2381 days ago
Hey Morgan,

At your age there are some things you can do. You can start applying at colleges. You can work on keeping up your GPA. You can get a part time job, for instance. You can choose things that let everyone know you are making good decisions. When she sees you making good decisions in other areas she'll probably start to let the little things go. You want to be treated like an adult, but you're not an adult quite yet. It's an awkward stage in everyone's life. Take a few small steps towards behaving as an adult does and hopefully she'll begin to relax her rules. Stay busy. If you're busy with your homework, part time job, music, athletics, etc., there won't be much time for conflict at home.

Good luck,

LittleWing



fashiongurl
2381 days ago
But the thing is I don't talk to anyone about how I feel or why i'm feeling the way I am unless its something as easy as being pissed at someone but other than that I don't do that I don't talk to anyone in that way. I'm not confertable having myself exposed and vunarable like that. I have my walls up and severly guarded and tahts the way It's going to stay unless i'm convinced otherwise. But the thing is she does this with my 21 year old almost 22 year old sister and she is an adult. I'm just fed up!



LittleWing
2381 days ago
Morgan,

Have you ever thought of trying a speech class? Or join a debate team at school? In this way you might get your feet wet discussing political issues and speaking on a specific subject rather then discussing personal issues. You can still be guarded, but will begin to learn how to speak out about issues you feel are important. I don't know, global warming? Protect animals from abuse? Maybe you'd like to join a classic music discussion group? Find a subject you can speak out about ... one you are passionate about and watch your self-confidence bloom. You're just shy and a little guarded. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the idea of sharing ideas.

Have fun,

LittleWing



drjean
2381 days ago
fashiongurl, it is quite common for mom's to try and keep the reins on a teen girl's life for as long as possible, but since you said she still tries to control your older sisters also, it does lend credit to your concerns.

At you age though, mom does get to have some control. Having a time to sit down and eat together is a good thing, actually, and something that today's culture has lost. :(

Having a time to be home (curfew) is also good parenting, and I would side with your mom on any time limit that makes sure you are home safe and in time to do your homework, and get a good night's sleep (up to 12 hours of sleep is needed at your age.)

Your name is fashiongurl, and I wonder if you have the ordinary issues of mom not liking your choices of clothes, too?

Since you do feel you are responsible enough to make your own choices, you probably are for some things. Do the "adult" thing and arrange a sit down and discussion with mom. Have a list of things you want to discuss, and then be ready for compromising... hopefully she will too.

You might have to make concessions, promises and then keep them first before she will make further allowances. But once you prove you are worthy of self control, she might not be so worried about the choices you make.

If after doing this she refuses to budge in any way, then either you have already ruined her trust in you, or she doesn't know how to let go. At that point I would ask for family counseling, and bring in a professional to help with the relationship.

Good wishes!

drjean



fashiongurl
2381 days ago
They do have a set curfew whitch is totaly fine wiht me and they want me in my room by ten and thats not big of deal either unless its the weekend and i'm just watching t.v. downstairs. My name is fashiongurl becuase i eventually want to go into the feild of fashion to be a fashion designer. She does not always like what i wear but that okay with me. My clothes express who I am and she really can't control what I decide to put on in the morning. I don't think I've done annything to make her not trust me. I don't do every last thing she tells me to do becuase I don't beilive that if someone orders you to do something you should do it. I'm not very confertable with the Idea of sitting down and talking with her just becuase she may start asking questions that I don't know how to answer. I don't tell anyone anything. I'm a very very very guarded person and I have many walls that you have to work extreamly hard to break through. I'm not comfertable in a vunarable position or in a postition where i look weak. That being said I would probably not suggest family counseling just becuase that would mean I would have to talk to them and I am no way shape or form ready to do that. I'm sure a professional could really really help our whole family just becuase...well to be honest we all have our own issues. The kids in the house are just like okay whatever leave me alone go away learn to knock..ect ect ect including me I probably do that more than anyone becuase It's just who I am. But I really honestly don't think she knows how to let go and let us spread our wings and fly onto bigger and better things. It's not like i'm gonna say she can never be a part of my life becuase she can she my mom and that wont change. I just want her out a little less so I have more time to be me and less time pleases the rest of them. I am very much a perfectionist everyone tells that to me but thats who I am and that's okay with me. I'm just so confused and not sure as to what to do. But thank you so much for your advice it is very much appriciated and helpful.

Thanks so much,

Fashiongurl



crazybones
2379 days ago
ok now it sounds like your mom can be a bit controling and you would like freedom back there is no easy process to this now my mom is the same way i have found no positive way to get freedom bac but i did it she hated me at first but in the end understood your going to have to sit down and tell your mom what she is doing tht you dont like and why she is going to tell you she is your mother and you have to follow rules till 18 well she would be right but still if she is reason able she will understand you are a teen age girl and need some room for mistake's not evert one is perfect and you should not be expected to act as such hope this helped



mbianc
1457 days ago
Dear Fashiongurl,

You have to understand that at tender age of 15,it is the most dramatic and sensitive fase of our lifes, at this age we are not quite a kid anymore and also we are not grown up either. No one understand our pain (literally) yes we feel pain emotionaly and physicaly, we want to fly spread our wings for bigger and better things, 'cause no one knows what is better to us then ourselfs. Unfortunaly it is only our perception, that we know it all at this age, and you will find out each year ahead of you how mistaken you were, how much you have changed you point of view in so little time. How do you want your mom to understand that you are growing up if you keeping acting like a child? You have to be able to open up your soul to her from a young woman to a woman, nothing is better then a honest and open talk (not yelling,crying,slamming doors,or cursing) remember respect to be respected. Your mom is not different then most of mothers, we see our girls as little girls from some fase of our lifes. I for example se my girls as she is still 12years (it was the fase we had more fun with each other and we were great friends)then naturally she started changing to a young woman and I couldn't see it or accept it, and I didn't want her to make mistakes or poor choices, 'cause as a mother I thought I had the obligation to avoid it to her won't get hurt, and like your mother I controlled and want to know everything and it happened for while i would say 'til couple of years ago. and she is now 30yrs. old, mother of a little girl.It just hit me one day, that i was telling her how to raise her li'l girl and instead of fighting or being upset with me like she had lately, I saw into her eyes how sad and how I probably made her feel that I didn't trust her judments and how I still made her feel like she was a little kid.That's when I opened the doors and windows of my soul and let her free!She became a beautiful buterfly...and more and more a great mother for her child and I have to say a little bit like me already, trying to select her child playmates and already building a golden cage for her little one. So just gave you an idea of how parents are, we all want the best for our kids and because no one has a book of whats is right or wrong or the easiest way to deal certain situations we do our best, and depending how we were brought up. level of instruction, financial stability it seems some do a better jobs then others, so try to understand and talk to your mom, you may think you have the worst problem in the world, but believe me some kids doesn't have love in their home, or someone who cares and some have horrible family. Although it seems to you, your problems has no solutions...the way you described I see you have a mother who really cares and love you, but may have some problem herself to deal with it, once you two start talking honestly and openly you two will be happier! Just love her, respect her, and try to change your attitude towards certain situations because what you are doing now obviously is not working, you better then anyone else should know the answer to it!

Hope you be happier soon!

With Love Marisa