First I should thank anyone who actually takes the time to read this, I have a feeling it might take a little while. I'm 25 yrs old and I am the mom of 3 beautiful children. I came from a very unstable childhood and I'm finding that these things are really affecting me today. I've never had counseling and don't really have the resources to do so, so I am doing the best I can to work through things on my own.
When I was 2 I was sexually molested by my father. My mom took him out of my life until I was 8. At the time she took me to the Dr to see if there was any proof of it. I was too young to talk and there was no actual physical penetration, therefore no proof. When I was 8 she decided to let him back into my life. Everything was great. He had remarried a woman with 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. One older stepsister and one younger. After a few months of visiting, my older stepsister started talking to me telling me that my dad was touching her innapropriately. At this point I didn't even remember what happened(I hope it dosen't sound crazy but I truly think I blocked it from my mind. I'll explain more later)I told her to stop lying, that he wouldn't do anything like that. Inside I was very confused because she was saying he abused her but everytime I saw her near him she was all smiles, sitting on his lap and whatnot. I didn't understand that some victims react this way. Around the time I was 11 my mom met her 4th husband and decided to move out of state. I didn't want to move away so she sent me to live with my sister. My sister decided that she wanted to be where my mom was and moved there also. Again, I didn't want to go so they sent me to live with my dad. I shared a room with my 2 stepsisters and one night while I was sleeping, I woke up and rolled over to see my dad leaning over my older step sister touching her. Honestly, still to this day I don't know if I've ever felt fear of that magnitude. The next day blew the whistle and everyone found out. He admitted it, said he needed help, he was sorry, the tears and all. They took me and my stepsister back out of the house to live with my sister again. My stepmom and younger stepsister and brother stayed there. He never got any help. Everyone just kind of acted like they forgot or something and life went on as usual. Around 13 I moved back in with my mom until I was 15. The man she married and moved out of state with was absolutely horrible. He didn't really like kids. He didn't do much with us and I can honestly say that I spent nearly all of the time between my 13 and 16 bdays grounded. I know I wasn't easy to deal with, but in no way was it to that extent. I just knew he didn't like me and would rather if I wasn't around. I despised the fact that he was able to come into my home and basically imprison me. I mean no phone, no friends, no life outside of my family, period. That yr my grandma died on Christmas Eve and she was living in another state. I went to go to her funeral and missed Christmas with my family. Thankfully mom would tape it every yr so I started looking for the tape. I came across a tape of myself getting dressed for school. The angle was really strange and I couldn't figure out how this had even been taken. My mom asked her husband and he asmitted that he had in fact taped me. He said that he did it because he thought I was smking marijuana. And in fairness I can see being concerned. The only problem is that I had absolutely no outside ventilation besides the fact that I had no privacy. My mom didn't knock before she came in, she just did. I wasn't doing drugs in my mom's house and trust me if I was she would have known. So everyone sits down and she asked me if I wanted him to leave. I was scared and honestly, in my head it went something like this, I tell him to go, he does. A couple months later she'll be lonely and he'll be back. Then my life will really suck. So I told her no he didn't have to leave and she told me that from then on the situation was done. There was nothing left to talk about and it was our business so it better not leave the house. After a while it started to eat at me. I really felt like I had to talk to someone so I talked to my sister. Well, it came back around and my mom was very upset. She sent me to live with my sister because of it and told everyone I was having these horrific behaviour problems. I love my sister and I'm soo glad she was there to help me but I don't think she was equipped to deal with my problems. we fought a lot and I was very depressed. One time when we got into it, she stormed out. My sister had just had major back surgery a few months before, and just got her refills. I took the oppourtunity and took a baggy to the kitchen and filled it with about 200 pills. We didn't have a phone at the time and we lived on a farm where we only had one neighbor. So, I tucked my suicide note so it wouldn't be obvious what i had done and started swallowing pills. The next thing I know, it's the next day and they are telling me that I am very lucky to be alive. They sent me to a psychiatric facility for 5 days to get help. The first phone call I made was to my mom, she was a couple states away. Can you believe the very first thing she says to me is that she can't believe I would try for attention so hard that I would do something that might possibly get my brothers taken from her. She even went so far as to tell me I better not talk about it. I got over it and tryed to move on. I had to move back in with her and her husband that she was still with. She stayed with him until I was out of her house and she found someone new to love her. Around 20 I started remembering things or so I think. At first I thought that maybe since I had thought for so long that my dad had touched me, maybe I made it up. So I talked to my mom about it and asked her. She never actually told me what i had said as a child, just that she thought he had touched me innapropriately. So I do genuinely believe that what I remember is real. I remember a lot of details. I wonder if I just didn't want to remember. He still won't admit that he did it and he has told me I was brainwashed. I haven't had much contact with him since I've been about 16. I got pregnant with my daughter and he disowned me because of her father's race. I kinda think that was God's way of giving me an exit point from his life. Once I had children i knew he couldn't be a part of my life anymore. I have left some things out for the sake that this is not supposed to be a novel. But I'm sure you get the idea.
Here I am now. I am trying very hard to move on. But something inside me won't let go. Neither of my parents have ever acknowledged what has happened. Well my mom to a certain extent but we never actually talk about it. Anything I bring up gets met with a guilt trip. She tells me that she knows she was a horrible mother and so on. I feel like I need them to acknowledge so i can move on, but in my heart I know that won't ever happen. Any advice on how to move on with my life would be great. I try not to identify myself as a victim but inside I still feel victimized. How do I take my life back?
When I was 2 I was sexually molested by my father. My mom took him out of my life until I was 8. At the time she took me to the Dr to see if there was any proof of it. I was too young to talk and there was no actual physical penetration, therefore no proof. When I was 8 she decided to let him back into my life. Everything was great. He had remarried a woman with 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy. One older stepsister and one younger. After a few months of visiting, my older stepsister started talking to me telling me that my dad was touching her innapropriately. At this point I didn't even remember what happened(I hope it dosen't sound crazy but I truly think I blocked it from my mind. I'll explain more later)I told her to stop lying, that he wouldn't do anything like that. Inside I was very confused because she was saying he abused her but everytime I saw her near him she was all smiles, sitting on his lap and whatnot. I didn't understand that some victims react this way. Around the time I was 11 my mom met her 4th husband and decided to move out of state. I didn't want to move away so she sent me to live with my sister. My sister decided that she wanted to be where my mom was and moved there also. Again, I didn't want to go so they sent me to live with my dad. I shared a room with my 2 stepsisters and one night while I was sleeping, I woke up and rolled over to see my dad leaning over my older step sister touching her. Honestly, still to this day I don't know if I've ever felt fear of that magnitude. The next day blew the whistle and everyone found out. He admitted it, said he needed help, he was sorry, the tears and all. They took me and my stepsister back out of the house to live with my sister again. My stepmom and younger stepsister and brother stayed there. He never got any help. Everyone just kind of acted like they forgot or something and life went on as usual. Around 13 I moved back in with my mom until I was 15. The man she married and moved out of state with was absolutely horrible. He didn't really like kids. He didn't do much with us and I can honestly say that I spent nearly all of the time between my 13 and 16 bdays grounded. I know I wasn't easy to deal with, but in no way was it to that extent. I just knew he didn't like me and would rather if I wasn't around. I despised the fact that he was able to come into my home and basically imprison me. I mean no phone, no friends, no life outside of my family, period. That yr my grandma died on Christmas Eve and she was living in another state. I went to go to her funeral and missed Christmas with my family. Thankfully mom would tape it every yr so I started looking for the tape. I came across a tape of myself getting dressed for school. The angle was really strange and I couldn't figure out how this had even been taken. My mom asked her husband and he asmitted that he had in fact taped me. He said that he did it because he thought I was smking marijuana. And in fairness I can see being concerned. The only problem is that I had absolutely no outside ventilation besides the fact that I had no privacy. My mom didn't knock before she came in, she just did. I wasn't doing drugs in my mom's house and trust me if I was she would have known. So everyone sits down and she asked me if I wanted him to leave. I was scared and honestly, in my head it went something like this, I tell him to go, he does. A couple months later she'll be lonely and he'll be back. Then my life will really suck. So I told her no he didn't have to leave and she told me that from then on the situation was done. There was nothing left to talk about and it was our business so it better not leave the house. After a while it started to eat at me. I really felt like I had to talk to someone so I talked to my sister. Well, it came back around and my mom was very upset. She sent me to live with my sister because of it and told everyone I was having these horrific behaviour problems. I love my sister and I'm soo glad she was there to help me but I don't think she was equipped to deal with my problems. we fought a lot and I was very depressed. One time when we got into it, she stormed out. My sister had just had major back surgery a few months before, and just got her refills. I took the oppourtunity and took a baggy to the kitchen and filled it with about 200 pills. We didn't have a phone at the time and we lived on a farm where we only had one neighbor. So, I tucked my suicide note so it wouldn't be obvious what i had done and started swallowing pills. The next thing I know, it's the next day and they are telling me that I am very lucky to be alive. They sent me to a psychiatric facility for 5 days to get help. The first phone call I made was to my mom, she was a couple states away. Can you believe the very first thing she says to me is that she can't believe I would try for attention so hard that I would do something that might possibly get my brothers taken from her. She even went so far as to tell me I better not talk about it. I got over it and tryed to move on. I had to move back in with her and her husband that she was still with. She stayed with him until I was out of her house and she found someone new to love her. Around 20 I started remembering things or so I think. At first I thought that maybe since I had thought for so long that my dad had touched me, maybe I made it up. So I talked to my mom about it and asked her. She never actually told me what i had said as a child, just that she thought he had touched me innapropriately. So I do genuinely believe that what I remember is real. I remember a lot of details. I wonder if I just didn't want to remember. He still won't admit that he did it and he has told me I was brainwashed. I haven't had much contact with him since I've been about 16. I got pregnant with my daughter and he disowned me because of her father's race. I kinda think that was God's way of giving me an exit point from his life. Once I had children i knew he couldn't be a part of my life anymore. I have left some things out for the sake that this is not supposed to be a novel. But I'm sure you get the idea.
Here I am now. I am trying very hard to move on. But something inside me won't let go. Neither of my parents have ever acknowledged what has happened. Well my mom to a certain extent but we never actually talk about it. Anything I bring up gets met with a guilt trip. She tells me that she knows she was a horrible mother and so on. I feel like I need them to acknowledge so i can move on, but in my heart I know that won't ever happen. Any advice on how to move on with my life would be great. I try not to identify myself as a victim but inside I still feel victimized. How do I take my life back?
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Answers
Hi SO:
I agree. You do need to seek help for possible PTSD. I do feel you at least need the therapy, yes, and you could possibly get on a sliding scale or on a free scale as well, at certain clinics and things (hopefully located near you).
Check your phone book for local therapists, and hopefully you can find one soon.
Best,
Clyde
Wow, you've really had a trajic life. My heart hurts for you. Dr Jean is right, it is very important for you to get into therapy. Have you checked your local Mental Health Center? Some state funded centers have therapists in place who can help. There may also be help through other organizations like churches, domestic violence prevention, etc. Regardless, please seek outside help. It's absolutely necessary.
(((So))) you are not foolish. You have suffered and may very well be experiencing PTSD. It won't heal on it's own, and you need to seek therapy, really. You are worth it.
There are many good books about PTSD, one being a HandBook, that will help you realize more about how victims feel and can react. And though you have related quite a bit of your issues, I doubt that without expert help you can resolve all the issues.
PTSD will continue to interfere with your life... call around and find a T that will work with your budget (and don't be afraid to ask for a few pro bono sessions!)
Good wishes
drjean