My sister's been having boy troubles lately and she always talks to me about her ex, who she might still love. I want to help her and I try to the best I can. The main problem is this ex of hers has the exact same eyes as the guy who molested me a year and a half ago. He also shares the same name with my cousin who committed suicide. I can separate them in my mind and all, it's just whenever she talks about him it reminds me of the two worst things that happened in my life. I hate the fact I can't seem to help her. I feel like such a useless, worthless sister to her.
There's also an incident that happened when they were still dating. I had just met her boyfriend (my sister's in university so I don't see her much) and we were in the pool. They were rough housing and he put her in the exact same restraining hold that was used against me last summer. I had a flashback that simply shook me to my very core.
I've given her a shortened version of how I feel. I never told her just how much it effects me, or about my flashback. All I've told her is that their eyes are similar and it creeps me out.
I don't want to hurt her because she's told me I'm one of the only people she can talk to about things like this. I really don't want to let her down. I've been so depressed lately and sometimes think about suicide, but I've promised her I wouldn't... I just feel so messed up.
Is there some way I can just get through this so that I don't have to even tell her the whole thing? I want to be there for her and it kills me that this is getting in the way.
There's also an incident that happened when they were still dating. I had just met her boyfriend (my sister's in university so I don't see her much) and we were in the pool. They were rough housing and he put her in the exact same restraining hold that was used against me last summer. I had a flashback that simply shook me to my very core.
I've given her a shortened version of how I feel. I never told her just how much it effects me, or about my flashback. All I've told her is that their eyes are similar and it creeps me out.
I don't want to hurt her because she's told me I'm one of the only people she can talk to about things like this. I really don't want to let her down. I've been so depressed lately and sometimes think about suicide, but I've promised her I wouldn't... I just feel so messed up.
Is there some way I can just get through this so that I don't have to even tell her the whole thing? I want to be there for her and it kills me that this is getting in the way.
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Answers
Oh wow. First of all, I want to say that I am so incredibly sorry about your cousin's suicide and about you getting raped, that's something no one should have to go through.
Second, I think Clyde's idea that you could write the ex a letter is a great idea. Or, you could call him.
If you really think that your sis and her ex have no hope of getting back together, why don't you and your sis spend some sister-sister time, just the two of you? That'll cheer her up. You can bond, talk and laugh (sorry if that sounds corny) and you will be helping her move on.
And finally, I am so sorry you feel suicidal. I've been there several times myself, it's not fun, is it? Keep holding on, and if you need to, just have a good long cry; it'll help more than anything maybe.
Best of luck,
Leanne
You're welcome. I didn't know there was any differance between rape and molest, sorry.
I'm glad I could help.
Leanne
Thank you for the help and the ideas and support. Although I do want to clarify that I was never raped. I was molested.
Thanks again for the help and support.
Tarina
Oh gosh. That is a very traumatic and troubling question. You of course, as a good sister, want to be there for her, yet you find your own fears and traumatic experiences coming back to haunt you by doing so.
While I know this wont help entirely, could your conversation be more of a written one--such as email--so you wouldnt physically have to see the guy?
Would that help any? Probably not much, I am sure, but it may help some.
Could the bit you explained her be told to her as the reason you cannot do much with the situation? I understand it kills you. I wonder though, by the little bit you have told her that she understands you are trying to help?
Perhaps she can also come up with better ways to deal with it? Such as not having the guy around when you talk to her, and allowing time for only you and her, instead of him around her?
I'm sorry you feel all depressed and sometimes suicidal. Your sister sounds very well worth staying alive and fighting for, and hopefully you start feeling less depressed soon.
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