Before I get started I'll mention I'm twenty-one, and female. Thanks to everyone that takes the time to read and comment.
There's several things that's been bothering me. First of all there is a saddness that almost always resides in the background. What I mean is no matter my attitude or mood it's always close by. When I'm happy I seem to be excessively chattery, and giggly. I'll act very goofy like making noises, singing loudly, dancing around, and laughing at everything. But once I'm to myself or when things have quieted down I become sad. I think to myself that nothing ever lasts, that everyone I love will soon die and so will I. Everytime I allow myself to experiance joy the amount of joy I've experianced comes back as depression later, and the more joy I've felt the harder I fall.
Another thing is that I get upset very easily; over tiny things. I'm extremely impatient, and snappy, and have an explosive temper. My Dad and I never got along when we lived under the same roof because of it. I always have to have the last word, and was constantly battling for domination. I just couldn't stand to be controlled. I get irritated so easily, and can be content one moment and then suddenly fly off the handle if something happens that isn't to my liking. Also I'm very paranoid, I usually will find a hint of tone in someone's voice that displeases me and think they're saying something negative when they're not.
I'll fight with my husband over the most trivial things, and these fights are usually a result of my taking his words the wrong way or my fragile feelings. I'll yell, scream, sob, and curse and feel justified in saying or doing it all. Because even though he is such a wonderful, compassionate person I'll sometimes feel neglected like he's not giving me enough attention or like he's not showing me romantically how much he loves me. I'll fight with him and like I stated before feel completely justified in it, but afterwards I'll become ridden in guilt and depression, and I'll hate myself for being so horrible to him.
Also I sometimes get the urge to do harm to myself and others around me. There won't even have to be a reason for it either. I'll calmly run the image in my head thinking over all that would/could happen and stuff, and then I'll feel horrible and guilty and depressed and hate myself for thinking it. I used to cut, and will sometimes daydream about causing harm to myself. In the dreams I've stabbed a fork through my gums, have ripped out my own teeth...ect. It just doesn't seem normal.
But I love my husband and my parents and sibling so much, I feel so much guilt all the time for putting them through some of the things I have. Sometimes I feel so connected to them I cry thinking about how I'll eventually have to handle the fact that they'll leave me by dying. It just hurts to think about it, but I can't stop them. And sometimes when I'm very happy around them I feel sad because of this. It's like I can't allow myself to truly enjoy my loved ones.
Other things that are worrying me is my sleeping habits. I can sleep for like twelve straight hours, and sometimes I'll go a day or two without sleeping because I just "don't feel the need for it." Or sometimes I feel I'll miss out on things.
Sometimes I'll also neglect my appearance by not showering, not brushing my hair, not shaving my legs. ect usually for the same reason as the neglect of sleep. I also stay tired, and lack a lot of energy.
I also think I may have ADHD. This occurred in school. It was a struggle to grasp one thought in my mind because my mind literally feels like someone is surfing through channels sometimes. It's especially difficult when I have to set and listen to someone speak. I find it so hard to listen to the sermons at church, but I try... I really do, and it's nearly impossible. Sometimes there'll even be more than one thing in my head at once! This is very difficult since I try to write stories, I can never finish them. I also get easily distracted like I'll be saying something and I'll jump onto other subjects or utter um, uh, er alot and also I'll stare off into the tv or space sometimes before finishing. It makes me feel stupid.
And last, I feel stressed all the time. I'm constantly worrying over diseases, illnesses and germs. When I hear about one I'll suddenly think that I might have the symptoms. I've been known to spend an entire night on the internet looking up disease symptoms. It's effecting my health, sometimes I'll miss a period sometimes, or spot between them, I get stomach cramps, and all kinds of random aches and pains throughout my body. I think this stems from my horrible phobia of death and dying. I don't go to the doctor though (my husband and I have an extreamly small income and I have no insurance.) Sometimes I feel sick from worrying, but I can't turn it off. It's driving everyone around me crazy, they're getting seriously annoyed by it.
My family has a history of mental illnesses. My Mother has depression, and my first cousin has schitzophrenia (apologizes if the spelling is wrong) and bi-polar disorder. disorder. I've been told my fluctuating mood swings resembles bio-polar disorder.
I just don't know what to do, deep down I feel there is something wrong with me, like I'm not normal... I just worry constantly, and stay sad and gloomy. I'm also overweight and feel disgusted by my appearance, and sometimes feel completely worthless. Sometimes I eat when I feel sad just because it's always made me feel better in the past, but I wish I just had a healthier outlet. I do sing and write, but sometimes even that doesn't help.
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