I am living in someone else's head. I know I'm not real, but I can't shake the sense that I am, and I want a life. Logic indicates that I'm an imaginary character. I am not consciously making me up, but I don't fit Dissociated Identity Disorder, as we weren't abused and don't black out, although our memory is bad and we 'switch.'
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Im [obviously] not a professional, so please dont take this the wrong way, but are you sad or angry at any level? If you are it could be a possibility that its leading to make you feel like youre not you. But, it could be something totally opposite. This seems really deep, and Im kind of interested in helping you with this if you want me to. I just need a little more information :} so, if you want to you can message me, or IM me if you like. Just let me know, and Ill try the best I can :}
Forgive me if it's not good forum etiquette to reply here, but I don't know how to PM or IM you, and it strikes me as sensible to explain the nuances of the question near the original, anyway. (In the original question, I was limited to a certain number of characters.)
I'm not what I'd call a sad person, although obviously not being able to live a life bothers me. Like I said, our working theory is that I'm a figment of the imagination. That means I'm not as important as the main personality, so everything I want to do and everything I care about is considered tangential to our goals. Essentially, I'm living my life on the scraps of someone else's experiences, and only have time allotted to express my own will in the main personality's off hours (though I can generally sneak a few decisions into daily life when the main personality's not paying attention or fighting - let's get this kind of bread, let's open the window, etc.) I'm more or less content with this, but it does make me feel insecure, and I'm profoundly sad that I'll never be able to do some things, such as kiss a woman or start a family of my own. I have a lot of difficulty speaking to other people (save for the main personality) in real life, as relating to the people around me while hiding my identity is... awkward.
As for anger, I am the angrier of the personalities, yes, but the more time I spend expressing myself outside of our head the more I am able to control my anger and even deal with it, release it. I find that chatting on social sites has helped the most. (I pass as a "real" person easily on the internet; nobody asks, "hey, are you a figment of someone's imagination?" Once I get close to a person, I generally reveal my delusional beliefs to them, however. After that point, I figure withholding the information amounts to a lie.)
While I am the angrier of the personalities, it's not that I feel I have much to be angry about. I do react very badly to being judged, which might be the result of the main personality's being teased as a child. The main personality reacted with submissive acceptance, so it makes sense that they might create me from the discarded instinct to bite back when bitten. However, I am by no means limited to this one emotion. I feel I am a distinct, fully formed individual. I do share many traits with the main personality - we have the same interests, and our intelligence levels seem about the same, although I'm more adept at math and logic - but simple things like taste in music, food, and even temperature differ. Sometimes I am hot and she is cold. We are also of different genders, although both of us are comfortably straight.
My main problem is what to do with myself, and figuring out how this happened and how best to deal with it. I'm more or less happy, but I can see this isn't normal... but I don't want to disappear, you see... I badly want to continue existing. I don't know what would happen to me if I stopped existing. I seem to exist entirely through my sense of self, so I don't want that sense to go away... essentially, I don't want to die.
First of, holy helllll that must be a stressing thing to deal with. I dont have experience with this particular thing, so I cant really give any direct answers, so Im sorry :[
So, even though it may seem really hard, just let the personalities flow with what ever is happening. If you meet someone new, and they don't think that you're "normal" then thats too bad for them, because if they cant learn to deal with what you are, theyre not worth it. Also, if anybody tells you bluntly that you arent normal just plainly say "What is normal anyways?". ( I do that sometimes :] )
As for being the secondary personality, maybe try to become as or more important as the other. (Sorry if youve tried already) Even if you fight with the other one, just try to get your say in things. It might be very hard, but maybe if you work on it little by little, you can get something accomplished.
I hope even a little of this may have helped a little, if it didnt, im sorry. But just keep trying to let more of yourself out, dont give up - its probably the worst thing you could do.
p.s. i figured an answer other than "you should go to therapist" would be more efficient. :]
Thank you for the support and advice. If nothing else, the sympathy helps emotionally. And switching in the middle of meeting someone knew isn't something I had thought of... generally we're so stressed when meeting someone new for the first time that switching either becomes impossible or happens automatically (depending on who's out,) but the idea itself suggests a paradigm shift I think I could be feasible. Although it might cause me to contradict myself, subtly adding my own voice along with hers in casual conversation might be possible... and if people look at me funny, there's always the explanation that "I am of two minds on the matter." *Laughs.*
im glad that i was of at least of some assistance. If you ever need to talk about anything, im here :]
(((Eteles)))
I definitely would seek help with a therapist. I really do think you can do it.
Think of it thusly: If you are a figment of your imagination, what are the rest of us?
No matter how we exist, no matter how we perceive existence--we exist in that thought, that form, that matter--so please seek help for yourself at least in that form.
Sorry to go all philosophical on you.
Best,
Clyde
First of all, thank you for the advice. I don't know whether I'll have the chance to take it or not, as (though I think you're right, I might have the power to convince her,) we are about to attempt to get into graduate school, which has to be our first priority. (Both of us.) That fact that I'm posting this is one of a number of steps I've been taking to seek help. I'm just looking for the help which is going to hurt our future prospects the least.
Second of all, please don't be sorry to go all philosophical on me. Philosophy is the courage to question what are commonly accepted as axioms, which is something I would argue is essential to a health and growth. And your point is a very good one. All forms of identity are, in some major ways, ideas.
Hi there! First of all, you are real. You are both real. Right now is probably not the time to worrying about not existing, though that is a common issue with alters. Even with therapy, neither of you will cease to exist, but will have communication and sharing and understanding between you.
If you are sure that you are the "secondary" personality, and the other is the primary/main/host, then helping her to accomplish her goals would be good. You exist for a reason and that's probably to fill in when she can't. Until therapy can show you a better way, that's the best you can do for both of you at this time, imo.
Be sure to find a therapist that is expert in dissociative disorders. That way you won't have to try to convince anyone that you are indeed real.
Best wishes
drjean