I have this problem where I say phrases that I don't want to say. There's a number of different ones and variations on similar ones but the primary one is "I'm going to kill you" "I'm going to kill myself". I don't mean these things and don't want to say them but they keep coming out. Tons of times a day. I tried counting once but got frustrated with the high number and gave up. It's most likely to happen when I'm a little bit spacey. It'd never happen mid-conversation or while in deep focus, but sitting in my room on the computer or walking down the street it happens all the time. I'm able to minimally control it. I can get the volume down when I'm aware of people around and sometimes I can cut it down to just an "I'm gonna" and then fill in a more situationally appropriate sentence. Other times I can reduce it to an "mmm" sound. But I still know what was supposed to come out which is very bothering to me. In the cases where I say "you" rather than "myself" the "you" is still referring to me. I know it's weird that I could know that since I don't mean what I am saying but that's how it is. When I was in a French immersion program it switched into French. It's been going on at least 6 years maybe longer.
I'm in therapy. I have an anxiety disorder, depression, ADD and trichotillomania. I've never been able to bring this up in therapy though partially because I'm so embarrassed by it and also because of the content of what I'm saying. I worry that it would be misinterpreted as being suicidal (and while I have been suicidal at times in my life this problem I'm writing about here goes on all the time, not just when suicidal)
I hate that I have this constant reminder of the idea of killing myself that I can't avoid.
Sometimes I trace my thoughts back to the last thing I remember thinking about before it happened. At first I just remember something benign but then I go through the same though process I’d gone through earlier and it ends up at a negative thought. The whole words coming out of my mouth thing distracted me so that I’d forgotten a negative thought I’d had. Through some effort I can make myself remember what I’d made myself forget. But it doesn’t really make me feel good to go through that process so I don’t usually do it. It’s easier to just deal with the negative words than with both the negative words and the negative thought. I’d rather it only be the thought or be nothing at all though.
I worry about being overheard and having it being horribly misunderstood. Often I don't even know it's going to happen until I hear the words coming out of my mouth. Walking down the street with headphones on sometimes I'm overcome with fear that it's going to happen and I won't even realize because I might not hear so I end up clenching my jaw shut trying to prevent sound from escaping. I hate being that crazy looking person muttering to themself walking down the street.
I hate that I've never been asked the right screening question that could make this easier to bring up in therapy.
What is going on, what can I do about this, and do you have any advice on how to bring this up in therapy?
I'm in therapy. I have an anxiety disorder, depression, ADD and trichotillomania. I've never been able to bring this up in therapy though partially because I'm so embarrassed by it and also because of the content of what I'm saying. I worry that it would be misinterpreted as being suicidal (and while I have been suicidal at times in my life this problem I'm writing about here goes on all the time, not just when suicidal)
I hate that I have this constant reminder of the idea of killing myself that I can't avoid.
Sometimes I trace my thoughts back to the last thing I remember thinking about before it happened. At first I just remember something benign but then I go through the same though process I’d gone through earlier and it ends up at a negative thought. The whole words coming out of my mouth thing distracted me so that I’d forgotten a negative thought I’d had. Through some effort I can make myself remember what I’d made myself forget. But it doesn’t really make me feel good to go through that process so I don’t usually do it. It’s easier to just deal with the negative words than with both the negative words and the negative thought. I’d rather it only be the thought or be nothing at all though.
I worry about being overheard and having it being horribly misunderstood. Often I don't even know it's going to happen until I hear the words coming out of my mouth. Walking down the street with headphones on sometimes I'm overcome with fear that it's going to happen and I won't even realize because I might not hear so I end up clenching my jaw shut trying to prevent sound from escaping. I hate being that crazy looking person muttering to themself walking down the street.
I hate that I've never been asked the right screening question that could make this easier to bring up in therapy.
What is going on, what can I do about this, and do you have any advice on how to bring this up in therapy?
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Answers
Hi there, Sky...
It definitely does sound like an anxiety disorder problem or stress/depression disorder issue. I know you do not want to talk to your therapist about the issue--because of your nervousness about the situation--yet, you really need to do so.
You may want to discuss--when your therapist mentions how you are feeling--state that you are not suicidal, but you are worried about yourself and the words you say.
Your T may say, "What words and what feelings?" and then you could discuss it that way.
OR, you could write it in a journal kind of way, and either mail it to her or hand it to her when you come in for therapy. That way she knows. (Or he, whatever your T is)
LOTS of people get worried about what to say to their therapist, this has been one of the biggest issues at Answers (here), is how to talk to the therapist.
If you cannot find a straight out-and-out way to do so, you may want to just help set yourself up that way by doing what I said.
Best,
Clyde
Hey,
I was just reading yesterday about tics, sometimes they can be verbal maybe you have something like that, but you should definitely talk to your therapist. you can tell her ahead that this is not the way you feel but these words are slipping from your mouth. I am sure if you tell that she/he will understand and try to help you. I hope you get the cure you need soon.