Hi,
I have been married for almost a year now to my husband, and I love him more than anything. He has a daughter who is four years old with his ex girlfriend (we are both named Megan, this also worried me). I really truly love his daughter and love spending time with her, but we only see her about once a month. His ex girlfriend always tries to talk to Kris casually like they are friends or something and I get extremely upset when I even see her name on the caller i.d. I feel like I am constantly mad at Kris because he has a daughter with some other girl and I feel so horrible. Why does it break my heart so bad when she calls or comes around? I feel so selfish, I am trying to get counseling and my husband and I are actually about to get a divorce, in fact we are waiting for the papers to get here so we can sign them, but I would do anything to save this marriage. I just don't understand why it hurts me so bad to even hear his daughter's name, I don't know what's wrong with me. Please help...


Answers


Clyde
2373 days ago
Hi there.

It does sound like a lot of the issues revolve around insecurity that you have of the former girlfriend. There also is a lot of "weird coincidences" in there also, like you both being named Megan, etc.

Would you be able to see the stepdaughter after all of this? Would Kris let you?

I think (unless there is other reasons behind it--which I don't see) it is a good thing she talks to Kris like a previous friend.

I can understand and appreciate your worry, but if he married you, and is still with you--why remove stuff--why go get a divorce?

I would at least go through counseling, discuss this with your counselor, etc.

I mean, everything I see here does not show me that he is being "extracurricular" or anything.

I sense a low self-esteem in you because of her name being the same as yours and as you said, the daughter not being biologically yours. But that doesn't mean that you cannot love her, or that doesn't mean you have to leave the marriage.

Think it out awhile, go to counseling before you decide on a divorce, and try to get him to go with you.

Let him know how you feel too. Communication is so so so so so important in marriages, and everyone agrees that it is, but it never takes place in hardly any marriage. Communication can help save marriages--why not yours?

Best,

Clyde



drjean
2372 days ago
meg, the first year is difficult even when there is no previous spouse or child to deal with! Is your husband also willing to work on counseling to save the marriage? If not, perhaps he wants the previous relationship with the child's mother still. How long he was divorced before marrying you could also be a factor.

You say you can't accept the child, yet you mentioned nothing about that, only that you really enjoy spending time with her. It might be kewl to have a (step) child with your own name, you know?

I think you have anger that needs to be resolved. You might have good reason for it though. Even if the marriage doesn't survive, I hope you will stay in therapy to help prevent your repeating any mistakes that might have been made, and give yourself a good chance for a happy marriage in the future.

Take care

drjean



lilou
1927 days ago
Megan,

I was with a man for nearly 4 years and engaged for 2 of them. He has got two kids from a previous relation-ship. I was never able to accept his kids nor the sponging ex-girlfriend.

We used to live in the UK and it would be the every other week-end set up, this would drive me nuts, I did not want them in my house... Anyway, just over a year ago, we got the opportunity to move to Australia..For me it was a door to heaven, no more every other week-end... and enough distance so he would only see them 2 to 3 times a year!

Well I can tell you one thing I realise I could not accept their existence in the UK and I still could not accept them in Oz.

In my head, I just want to be the first one, the only one and our baby (ies) to be the only one we both care for...

I really loved him and still love him to be honest but the feeling of resentment is now gone. I don't feel sad anymore when I see a "real" family having fun together. I still have the hope that one day it will be me.

I have been counselling when we were splitting up and I just had to realise that accepting someone's baggage (especially kids) is not for everyone. I think that is what took me the longest. How can I love someone so much and not accept his kids? Well I probably loved him too much and wanted exclusivity, be the first one, the only one!

I can't explain it, I just had to accept it and walk away.

I still miss him very much, still sometimes wonder if I made the wrong decision...

Although getting married and having kids with him would have meant a life sentence for me to feel this pain inside. (I so know what you mean by the pain it causes you).

Only time will tell but so far I feel better with myself as I don't have to resent his kids.

I am not saying that you can't be happy in a blinded family but if it is not for you, it is not for you.

I love kids and I want my own but I know deep down, I could have never loved his; I would have always seen them as a burden + the ex.

So if you feel this way, a divorce might be painful but better than a life sentence.

Good luck with what ever decision you make.

Take care