Im kind of new at this talking thing so here it goes....When I was seven my grandfather died who I was really close to. I am 21 now and I have pulled my eye lashes out since then only in the past couple of years I have began to pull my eye brows and hair from my head out. I am currently trying to get a degree but my "other issues" are getting in the way. I have tried a couple of therapists but they haven't seemed to help. My parents always made me very self conscious of how my persistent pulling made me look sometimes they would hit me because of it rather than taking me to seek help. They would always tell me how bad it was to go to a therapist and these are issues i am now trying to overcome as I look into trying again to see one. I get very bad mood swings sometimes i am completely happy and i get a lot of stuff done and I believe i can achieve a lot of things. But that feeling only lasts a short amount of time before i am back down wanting to end my life. Lately i have been more down than up and I spend days trying to bring myself back up. I feel completely alone I just transferred to a new school and I do not know anyone. I have always had anxiety issues since i was little. When i was younger i would not go out side and play with my friends because I was worried my mom would die if I wasn't there. I get very angry very quickly and I usually don't remember what I say or do when I get angry. when i was 16 my dad hit me and I turn around to hit him back and screamed at him but I did not remember doing any of that. Luckily he stopped me and eventually I came out of it.oh and i am a lesbian. which is something that neither of my parents have ever liked and I know that they are uncomfortable with it. When i went away to college the first time my friend died a few days before the beginning of the semester my roommates father shot himself in the head a few weeks into the semester and I got raped by my girl friend. No one supported me through any of this and I spent my first semester of college trying to help my roommate cope. I tried telling my parents about my girl friend but they didn't want to listen and neither did my friends. I stayed with her for about a month because she was threatening to end her life if i didn't stay with her. I eventually got over whelmed and told her to hit the road. she told me the whole thing was my fault because i was so hot and she couldn't help herself. At this point in my life i had never had sex before so I thought that it could have been my fault and that I shouldn't be angry at her. But now I know and I still don't understand how she could tell me she loves me one min and do that the next. When i was little i was not allowed to watch any form of violent television however when I was 3 years old I apparently beat the shit out of a kid my mom was watching, which i don't remember doing. I don't know how i would know how to hit someone though if i hadn't been taught. Right now going to class is extremely hard because the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. I have skipped a lot of class this week trying to find a way to get help. Anything that has to do with my school makes me anxious so I can't bring myself to go to the counselor there and I have a meeting with the dean tomorrow for me to ask if i can please just stop having to go to school for the mean time because I feel as if i need to focus on getting myself mentally able to do the work i am not doing when i am trying to talk myself out of suicide. I cry for many hours during the day and sometimes i even cry in class which is another reason I don't want to go because I'm not focused and I don't believe in letting others see me cry. But I honestly don't know where to start with any of these issues or what could even cause the mood swings, anxiety, and anger. It is all very frustrating because I can't make decisions to do things because I don't know how I'm going to feel the next minuet. Does anyone have any advise or insight on what could possibly be wrong with me? I feel so guilty for feeling this way as many people have it way worse that I do. Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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